Saturday, August 7, 2010

Kings Island: Come On Get Happy?

My wife and I took the family unit to Kings Island for one last hurrah before school starts again.

We had a good time.

The following are some random thoughts and observations:

Ohio’s/Cincinnati’s roads are pretty nice compared to Indiana’s rough-as-a-cob wagon trails.

Bring a bag o’ cash to Kings Island.

Food and drink cost twice as much there as outside the park.

You will pay extra for parking, lockers, some select rides, and any extra deep breaths.


What’s up with people spitting on the ground all the time?

In some locales it used to be illegal, but it’s always disgusting.

Men, women, children, boys, and girls…hocking their lung oysters all over the ground so I can step in it.

I really don’t want to see you expelling pussy green globs from your face.

Swallow that shit (I had a drill instructor say it’s good eatin’ anyways), or puke it up in a napkin and dispose of it properly.


The cigarette smokers have been banished to the Leper Colony of Shame.

It’s time for you Lugie Launchers to get yours now.



We Americans are an unfit and wasteful bunch.

One day at a water park will clue you in on this.

I wanted to gouge my own eyes out with a rusty soup-spoon.

It’s one thing for adults to be whales, but there’s really no excuse for an 8-year-old kid to be spilling over the waistband of his swim trunks.

I saw one fat-ass kid take a huge greasy bite out of a massive $10 slice of pizza, and then he shit-canned the remaining bit and ran off to Mommy.

Saw another bulbous boy throw a stiff-legged tantrum about wanting a sugary $5 cup of shaved ice.

He had ankles the size of Hillary Clinton’s, and couldn’t even lace up his $150 high-top Air Jordans.

Here’s a tip, America.

If you have kids or are thinking about having them, toss the X-Box, PlayStation, U-Verse, DishNet, and the PC.

Forget the electric/motorized Barbie cars, scooters and ATVs.

Get little Johnnie and Janie's fat asses off the couch and outside.

Get them tricycles and bicycles.

You know…the ones with leg-powered chain-drive.

Get them into activities.

Sports. Swimming. Hang gliding.


Competitive eating is not an Olympic event.

Mix in a salad. A carrot. An apple. An orange.

Do it for God.

Do it for Country.

Just do it.


Generally speaking, I don’t think tattoos are a good idea unless you are a Longshoreman or a sailor, and there are not a lot of either one of those in the greater Cincinnati area.

Women especially should avoid tattoos, in my opinion, and the pop-riveting of various bits of metal into one’s flesh is most times not appealing.

Nothing says “unemployable” like a good string of body “art.”

You may be thinking that you are expressing your individuality…that you are being “different.”


Yes you are.

Just like all the other idiots.

If you want to record your earth-shattering thoughts and ideas permanently, start a diary or a blog…and send me the link.

I am sure society will appreciate that you have done this for the benefit of posterity and stuff.


Small town chain restaurants

Batesville, Indiana McDonalds

It was so nice to be treated like a valued customer instead of an annoyance.

This rarely happens in Indianapolis.

Smiling, helpful, courteous, awake, attentive, English-speaking employees behind the counter who didn’t look pissed off that they were at work.

Clean restrooms.

I was so impressed that I waved down the manager and told her so, and asked her to pass on my compliments to her crew.

I’m cool like that.



A fun and pleasant time was enjoyed by all at Kings Island.

Pretty much.