Wednesday, September 17, 2014

More Jury Duty Tomfoolery



...but this time it's my lovely wife.

You'll notice the State has changed the format of the summons.

"You are ORDERED to call..."

Ordered?

There was a time when Americans didn't take too kindly to being ordered to do much of anything, especially by government shit-heads.

Ordered?

Are we all fucking slaves now?

Ordered?

...and if we refuse to comply with the State order, we are found in contempt and face fines and, ultimately, armed government goons?

But...it's an HONOR to serve as a juror.  Says so right there on the summons.

Yes.  

An honor...

...an honor to be ordered around and threatened by the almighty State.

Bend over and take it, knave.

...and be thankful.




Now...some of you might be saying, "Zoomie!  You would be the first guy to whine and bitch for a jury trial when you finally get popped for spewing threatening anti-government filth on the intardnets.  But here you are...crying again about getting called up for jury duty.  You suck!  Hurry up and eat a shotgun already!"

First of all, they'll never take me alive.

Second of all, I don't own a shotgun...or any firearm, for that matter.  I got rid of my guns when I found out they were dangerous and scary.  In return, the nice government man gave me a WalMart gift card which I redeemed for a red Snuggie and a bag of caramel apples.

When they come for me, I will bludgeon the jackboots with my teddy bear.

And besides, it's my old lady who got the summons this time.

I did my part.  It's her turn.

No word yet whether or not she'll go all Nathan Hale on them downtown.

I kinda doubt she will...but then again, she's pretty pissed right now because the summons is gonna fuck up her Fall Break plans.

Who knows?

She's a lot nicer than I am.

Them's the ones you gotta watch.



Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Radio Daze



1992.

Yours truly, the broadcast legend, on air at WIRE 100.9 FM mono 3000 watt blowtorch, Lebanon, Indiana. 

During my shift anyway...the only country music station to broadcast The Who, Led Zeppelin, and the Rolling Stones. 

Weekend nights, part-time gigs you can pretty much do what you want when nobody listens...
  
"WIRE Country 101" was old school radio.   

Housed in an aging, one-story concrete block building near a Farm Bureau Co-Op, the carpeted 'sound-proofed' walls of the broadcast and production studios almost negated the roar of the Terra Gators and other heavy farming machinery that rumbled by every day.





The station had just one consumer grade CD player, 2 ancient turn-tables, 8-track "cart" machines, and a reel-to-reel. You can see the vintage analog board.   It all worked perfectly.

Usually.


 


The station signed off at midnight, and I had to turn off the transmitter! 

I was board operator for Indianapolis Indians baseball.  We were their "flagship" station, and we got the play-by-play over the phone!  There was an incident once during a game when I missed a commercial break cue and ended doing make-ups while the play-by-play guy droned on.  He got pissed when I told him what I did.  That'll teach me to admit my mistakes.  If I had kept my mouth shut, he'd had never known.

I was board operator for the 1992 Indy 500 and Colts NFL football games...which were satellite fed. Wow!

I can remember a time I was reading news copy on air about a local hog farm burning down and the loss of livestock.  This is seriously big news in a farming community.  Something about the story was worded in such a way that I found it highly amusing, and I started to giggle and laugh uncontrollably.  I couldn't stop laughing, and I had to turn the mic off and go to commercial.

I was a bad DJ.

John Dotas was the owner/GM. He was REALLY old school. Former Korean War Marine, and a great set of pipes (radio voice). A cool guy, and I appreciated the opportunity he gave me, but he told me he didn't want another "Bob and Tom," and he ignored me when I told him I wanted to do more for the station. 

So I quit.  With no notice.  On air.  At the end of my last shift.  Soon thereafter, the studio telephone was ringing off the hook.

I didn't answer it.

Thus endeth my short-lived radio career.

Radio people are very strange.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Up Yours Part II: I Tell The State Exactly What I Think Of Them







Fuck.

Wouldn't you know it?

They called my number for jury duty, so after working a 13-hour shift and four hours of sleep, I get to go downtown and go through all the bullshit.

I am tired, cranky, and in a fouler-than-usual mood.

I have no interest in taking part in these state-sponsored shenanigans.

I fill out the juror questionnaire thinking, "This should get their attention!"

I get shuffled off to a court room and seated in a jury box.

Opening statements and instructions are made.

The judge asks if there are veterans in the group, and we get TYFYS'd. (Thank you for your service.)

Eye-roll...

It is a rape case.  The accused is a Hispanic gentleman who looks like a drug cartel hit-man.

The jury pool is an interesting cross section of people.

-Clueless young fucks who are half asleep or medicated outta their damned minds.

-Over-exuberant fans of the State who can't wait to take part in this shit and show how smart they are and tell their entire life story at the drop of a hat.

-Openly racist motherfuckers who hate all taco-benders and won't be able to be impartial.

-Few, if any, assholes like me.

It is time for voir dire, which is where the judge and attorneys look at the questionnaires and figure out which jurors they want for the trial.

They come to me...

The prosecuting attorney:  "Mr. Zoomie..."

Me:  "I bet you didn't like my comments much..."

Attorney:  "So...we're all corrupt?  Me...the judge...everybody?"

Me:  "Yes ma'am.  Pretty much..."

Attorney:  "Why is that?"

Me:  "Well...I hope both parties in this case get justice.  I really do.  But the fact is that win, lose, or draw, you all (lawyers, judges, the State) still get paid."

Judge:  "I hope to always get paid."

Attorney:  "Do you think you can be an impartial juror?" 

Me:  "Yes ma'am.  I can do this if I have to."

Attorney:  "Then why are you here?  You stated on the questionnaire that you could be an impartial juror, and then stated that you believe the system is corrupt."

Me:  "Do I really have a choice?  I don't want to catch a case."

Attorney:  "What do you mean by 'catch a case?'"

Me:  "Contempt.  I know what a summons is."

Judge:  "So, Mr. Zoomie...you are making a political statement?"

Me:  "Yes ma'am, I am."

Ended up they threw my ass out.

I was excused.

I didn't exactly go all Nathan Hale on them.

I was polite, I think I made my point, but I wasn't gonna die on that hill...

I bet I'm on their drone hit-list for sure now.

Fuck it.

I win anyway.

Maybe.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Up Yours!

Received this in the mail yesterday.


Fuck!  This is twice in less than two years.  Can you say "jury nullification?"  Of course you can.



Sent this e-mail, most of which I stole from another source, to the Indiana GOP today.


To whom it may concern:

I no longer wish to be registered as GOP to vote in political elections.

I wouldn't use such a system to determine anything as trivial as who should be dog catcher, and I morally have no business using it to legitimize people's commanding of governmental authority over me or anyone else.

It isn't enough for me to simply not vote GOP anymore.

I believe my GOP voter registration implies my consent to a process by which other people fraudulently claim to represent my interests by their actions which I deem criminal.

My belief in the fraudulence of the political system makes me unrepresentable by either major party as there is no real discernible difference between the two.

As it stands, voter registration is nothing more than a convenient list of persons the state can use as a pool for jury selection.  I have no interest in jury duty, as I believe the "justice" system is corrupt, criminal, and fraudulent itself.

So, please assist me in un-registering as GOP to vote.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation in this simple matter.


Sincerely,

Zoomie




I await my drone strike. 

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

The King Will Allow Us To Take His Fishes Without Paying His Tax This Weekend




Fuck you.


INDIANAPOLIS (AP) — Indiana residents can fish without a license throughout the state this coming weekend.

The Indiana Department of Natural Resources says all other Indiana fishing rules and regulations apply during the promotion Saturday, June 7 and Sunday, June 8. Normally, anyone 18 years old and older needs a license to fish.

The agency says many of its state parks and reservoirs are hosting special events for Free Fishing Weekend. So far they include Chain O’Lakes State Park, Hardy Lake, Summit Lake State Park, Monroe Lake’s Paynetown State Recreation Area and Patoka Lake’s Newton Stewart State Recreation Area. The events include children’s fishing derbies.


My goodness. The king is so kind and benevolent.

I wonder if it's OK to fish with flash-bangs?



 

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Thursday, May 29, 2014

For Your Consideration...



Something I threw together for my pal Sammy...

Full disclosure seeing as I know some of you get your under-thingies uncomfortably repositioned:

Yesterday I was ripping some cuts from a couple of mid-1980's R.E.M. CDs (I know...I suck), and noticed this little spy looking cat on the CD label.

I thought, "That's kinda cool.  I should be able to do something nefarious with that."

So...I plopped the CD down on my scanner and stole the spy dude and manipulated him for my own use.

Now you know my methods and can do it yourself.

Maybe.

I'm sure Michael Stipe and IRS Records won't mind... 

Friday, April 25, 2014

For The Unemployed, Underemployed, Psychotic, Or Just Plain Stupid...


Recently Received Snail Mail: Not Domestic Terrorism Related



Hell yes.

From 2007... 


Lynn St. James offered many motivating words of encouragement to today's youth and girls about racing and life in general.

She talked about how cool it was to drive racers because nobody judges you on your looks since nobody can see your appearance when you are all suited up in safety gear.

Then, things took an ugly turn when Lynn St. James talked about noted NASCAR driver Kurt Busch and how he "got his ears pinned back" by having some plastic surgery to improve his appearance.

I don't think that kind of comment is really necessary, Lynn.

It was mean.

Don't hate.