Sunday, February 18, 2007

Daytona 2007: Some of My Takes

February 16, 2007

I watched the NASCAR races at Daytona yesterday because there isn’t any good open wheel stuff on TV yet. The NASCAR races I watched yesterday at Daytona are called the Gatorade 150s because NASCAR has sponsors for everything. The Gatorade 150s are kinda like qualifying races to see who gets to race in the Daytona 500. I say kinda because there are about 647 different ways a guy can get in the big race, and I’m really not gonna go into all that here now because, believe it or not, there actually is a limit to band width and space on the intardnets.

I think it would be cool if they qualified for the biggest and most prestigious NASCAR race by speed. Yes. I believe that’s what they should do next time.

This year, many teams have been caught cheatin' and stuff.

Some say, “If you ain’t cheatin' you ain’t trying.”

Still others say, “It ain’t cheatin’ unless you get caught.”

I say, “….and sometimes it’s still not cheatin’…”

Michael Waltrip and his new Toyota team, just to mention one of the cheaters, got caught cheatin’. The crack NASCAR inspectors found rocket fuel inside Waltrip’s intake manifold. Toyota racing intake manifolds don’t normally have rocket fuel inside them, so Team Waltrip was fined $88 billion dollars and Waltrip must give up his first born male grandchild whenever he comes along.

Team Waltrip was very sorry and apologetic and Mikey went on TV and looked sad and almost cried. NASCAR drivers are sensitive like that. I never saw AJ Foyt cry on TV. I bet Team Waltrip fired their manifold installer dude right after the press conference. Team Waltrip gets to race in the 500 anyway because they did good enough in the first 150.

I will tell you now about the first 150. The first race was cool.

Tony Stewart won that race.

Waltrip musta still been pissed and sad about getting caught cheatin', because he almost killed Little Dale.

AJ Hummdinger, a former ChampCar hot-shoe, was taken out by Robert Gordon, Jeff’s brother and another former open wheeler. I bet AJ wishes he was gonna be back at ChampCar this year with his former best buddy team mate Paul Tracy.

Robert Gordon made a wrong mistake at Daytona. Maybe Robert should stick to racing sand rails in Cabo Wabo, or Dakar, or wherever those steroid soaked dune buggies race.

Boris Said did just good enough to make the big race, I think. Boris is like the Frankenstein of NASCAR. He’s about 20 feet tall and they have to make a special Lurch version of a NASCAR racer so he can compete. Boris does really good on NASCAR tracks which turn left and right. Actually, Boris does really good in just about any kinda car on any twisty bits track. I don’t know why Boris wants to race in the Daytona 500. I bet he gets bored turning left all day.

James Hetfield, noted singer and guitarist for Metallica, did not do good enough to make the big race. James has really aged a lot the last few years. He looks like he’s 72 years old, or something. I guess that’s what life on the road with the world’s best metal band can do to a guy…..age you beyond your years. I think it would behoove Mr. Hetfield to stay away from the all-night drug and young chick parties if he wants to race in the biggest NASCAR race in the galaxy.

The second race was cool too. There were many intriguing stories there. I will tell you now a couple of them.

Jeff Gordon won that race, but was caught cheatin' too, sorta. His car was too low, or something. I bet Jeff fires his suspension guy before too long. He’ll have to start last for the big race, but Jeff doesn’t care.

Jeff has a new wife. She is a real stunner. She is heavy with Jeff’s child. I bet she’ll be heavy with many of Jeff’s children before it’s all said and done. Did I mention she’s quite the looker? Jeff doesn’t care that he’s starting last in NASCAR’s biggest race.

The only other real compelling story of the second race involves Juan Montoya. I will not call him Juan Pablo Montoya. Here in the U.S., we don’t use your middle name unless you are a serial killer or have shot at a President. Montoya hasn’t done any of those things yet, so I will refer to him as simply Montoya from here on out.

I like Montoya. I watched him when he was in ChampCar. He was awesome then. He made just about all his fellow competitors in ChampCar look like fools.

Then he came over to try the Indy 500 once in 2000. He boat raced everybody and won that too, and he said it was so easy even a caveman, or his grandmother, could have done it. That comment made some of the Indy faithful pissed, but not me. I figure it ain’t braggin’ if you can do it, and Montoya can do it.

Montoya knows what Indy means. Sorta.

Montoya also raced in Formula One. He won several races while he was there, especially the one at Monaco, which is like F1’s Indy 500 or Daytona 500.

Montoya is from Columbia. I saw him race at the USGP a few times. I also saw many of his rabid and scantily clad female Columbian fans. I didn’t look at them long, though, because I didn’t want to be thrown out of a helicopter later on with a rope around my neck. That would be below average.

Montoya did pretty good in the beginning of the second race. He led many of the first few laps, but then he biffed it and crashed because he is not accustomed to NASCAR racers just yet and he doesn’t know how to tell when he has a flat tire until his racing machine goes violently out of control and hits the wall. Apparently, Montoya’s grand-ma-ma couldn’t drive a NASCAR racer at this time either.

I suspect Montoya will get the hang of things in short order. I’m guessing he’ll be making the rest of the field look like simpletons before too long.

Yes. That’s what I think.

The big race is next. It will be on Sunday. It is called America’s Race by many.

Not by me, though.

Some people are now saying that they've seen AJ Foyt cry on TV. I'm not believing that statement much.


The only time AJ Foyt ever almost cried was when he was retiring from Indy racing and he knew he never could win at Indy again because he was getting old and couldn't fit inside a real racing machine any more.

Thing is, he did win at Indy one more an owner. So, therefore, you could say this AJ kinda weeping scenario was a crocodile tears kinda thing that never really happened.

You could also say that AJ got his 5 Indy wins way before Mike ShoeMaker. I bet ShoeMaker never cried when he retired because he really didn't care one way or another anyway. Mike ShoeMaker had absolutely no clue as to what Indy and real racing evidenced by the time a while back when he pulled over and stopped and pretended to enjoy a picnic lunch just yards from the finish line so his team mate Ruperts Barelyfollow could win at Indy.

And besides, AJ's got a Wheaties box, and ShoeMaker doesn't. So there!

AJ knows what Indy means. That's why he sorta cried almost a little.

One thing's for sure. Whenever AJ Foyt may or may not have cheated during his racing career, you can bet your sweet, sweet behinds that he never went on TV and looked all forlorn and downtrodden and apologetic and sheepish and stuff.

No. That would never be AJ's style. If AJ Foyt ever got caught cheating or not cheating, he would get mad and punch a USAC official, or smash an expensive racing machine part with a mallet, or slap a pretty European man upside his head, or storm off to be by himself so he could scowl menacingly.

That's how a real racer reacts if he's accused of cheating or not cheating.


February 17, 2007

I watched the BUSCH Series race today!

It was cool too! Kebmo Harvick won.

It's called The Busch Series because it is named after a cheap beer you can buy at the drugstore for about $3.99 a case warm...a little more if you want it chilled, but you might have to go to a liquor store for that. Check your local laws first! I guess the Busch racing units are a little cheaper and slower than the Cup rigs, so that's why they call it Busch.

They should call it The New Castle Brown Ale Series. That's a more tastier brew, I think. It's a little more pricier, but worth it in the long run.

There's a lot of up-and-comers racing in the Busch Series, and that's pretty much what the Busch series was originally designed for, but, now, many times, the Cup regulars come over and hog all the limelight and fame and hot chicks and stuff.

I think the Cup guys should stay in Cup and let the younger, hungrier, rookies run in Busch. I mean, right now it's like the Cup guys are ganging up and bullying and crushing the dreams of the Busch dudes, and that ain't fair. You shouldn't play your first string varsity squad against the water boys and the towel dudes and the Gatorade squirters.

That's how I see things anyway.

Sam Hornish, the 2006 Indy champ, was in this race too. I bet he's gonna have to take some bump drafting lessons from a NASCAR vet pretty soon. Sam musta forgot that he shouldn't try to bump draft a fellow race competitor while speeding through the tri-oval. Sam almost put that guy into the wall. That would have been below average. With all his IROC experience, you'd think Sam would know better. Apparently not. Bad, bad Sam!

Sam was all over the track. Sam even hit the wall a couple of times, I think, and pretty much removed the finish from the right side of his Penske racing machine.

I bet Roger Penske was none too pleased with Sam's performance today. Roger may even be giving some thought to firing Sam from driving in NASCAR. Sam should stick to open wheel Indy type racing sleds. They don't bump draft. Bump drafting in an Indy car is an A Train Ticket to Methodist. That's what I think.

Montoya was in this Busch Series race as well, and he did pretty good, but not for very long because the racing mill in his Target Chip Ganassi racing rig gave up on him.

I bet Montoya is thinking right about now how he hates old American push rod technology V-8 engines with carburetors and hydraulic lifters and valves and stuff which sound like this:


Montoya probably wishes he was back in his Williams BMW which stuck to the road like glue and was beautiful and turned eleventy trillion RPMs because it had a pneumatic valve train and fuel injection and 10 cylinders and sounded like this:


But he got fired from F1 so NASCAR was really his only alternative right now.

One of the announcers for today's Busch Series race, I think it was Rob Petree from the Dick Van Dyke Show, kept on saying annoying stuff about Darlington. I think Rob was confused or drunk or tripped over the ottoman too many times, or something. Rob wasn't at Darlington. Rob was at Daytona. Rob Petree will never be a broadcast legend, I bet.

Therefore, in conclusion, I'd have to say that the Busch Series race today at Daytona was cool and fun and exciting.

Your thoughts?

February 18, 2007

Today I watched the 2007 Daytona 500.

I saw some of the 10 hours of pregame coverage on SpeedVision. Jimmy Spencer was on the program. I think maybe Jimmy was drunk or tired or had gas or something. He just ain’t right. Maybe he needed some Beano. Then, maybe he wouldn’t butcher the English language so bad.

I don’t think I’d want to Sit With Jimmy for the race at Daytona. I bet Jimmy is one of those guys who drinks all your beer and eats all your chow then disappears when it’s time to get refills and would never reach for his wallet. Jimmy would not be a good racin’ buddy, I’m guessing.

Kenny Wallace was on the program too. I think that boy’s a half a bubble off plumb as well. He ain’t right either.

Before the race, NASCAR allowed all the fans out onto the racing surface of the Daytona Speedway. They were scrawling on the checkerboard start/finish line with their Sharpies and laying down on the track in an undisciplined fashion. I wouldn’t allow the fans to wallow and linger out on my racetrack.

Race fans can be pigs sometimes, and I bet they left all kinds of flotsam and jetsam out there, like toenails and boogers and skanky skin flakes, or something. That kind of debris on the track can cause a serious wreck. Watch yours, if you please.

NASCAR seems to want to have a pregame celebration zoo-type thing like the SuperBowl does. Kelly Clarkson performed before the race and did a very long lip-synch concert. It was gawd-awful too.

She won the Who Wants to Be America’s Next Lost Last Surviving Millionaire Talentless Hack Idol, or something like that, so, therefore, she got the privilege of entertaining us all.

While all this was going on, I noticed that ESPN was showing the Jump Rope Championships. I should have watched that instead. Kelly Clarkson may or may not be aboard for my next Fantasy Celebrity Plane Crash.

Nick Cage gave the command to start engines. He said it in a low and somber and sullen manner. He didn’t seem very excited, but then again, he never seems very excited about anything he does.

Some might say he is very lowbrow in his delivery in his motion pictures, and that his methods carried over to his duties today. I would simply say that Nick Cage sucks. His movies are not good cinema, and it may or may not be a good thing if he were aboard the doomed airplane I mentioned earlier.

Now on to my actual race coverage. The race was cool and fun and exciting.

The Busch brothers drove like they had too much of their namesake beverage today.

One of the race announcers said Kyle Busch made some “bold and daring” moves out on the racecourse. I saw things a little differently.

I think Kyle made many bonehead, banzai, stupid and impolite maneuvers. I would have black flagged Kyle for the stuff he did today. It’s a good thing for Kyle that I am not a Daytona 500 race steward, because I would have parked him. Yes. That’s what I would have done.

Kurt Busch, who works for Roger Penske, threw a couple of unsportsman-like and Marco Andretti-like blocks on Tony StewRat. I bet Smoke was pissed too, and I also bet Roger will give Kurt a stern talking to, with the threat of termination always looming in the background of the conversation.

Later on in the race, Smoke got around Kurt and was in the lead, but then Smoke got loose and lost control. Kurt was right behind Smoke when this happened, and Kurt collected Smoke and they both crashed violently into the wall.

They were both out of the race after that, but Kurt took blame for it all, even thought I don’t think he really had to. Tony StewRat wasn’t mad or anything afterwards, so I bet he doesn’t hate Kurt or think Kurt caused him to loose the race or anything.

I think Smoke has found an inner peace, or God, or has a new, hot, smokin’ girlfriend. Maybe.

Later on in the race, Jimmy Johnson, last year’s NASCAR and Daytona 500 champ, made a wrong mistake at Daytona. He got way loose and caused incalculable damage and destruction to many finely tuned NASCAR racing machines. Jimmy made no new friends on this day, I’m sure.

Dave Blaney decided, at the last minute, to go into the pits after he was punted. Dave took his Cat car at 150mph through the pits and re-entered the field of play and plowed into Ken Schrader.

I’ve seen this act before out on the interstate when a doofus wakes up and decides the exit he wants is there….three lanes over. Same kinda deal here, and pretty much with the same results.

Matt Kenseth is another guy who made a wrong mistake at Daytona. For no apparent reason, he plowed headlong into Jamie McMurray, and the ensuing melee caused unimaginable carnage with 9 laps to go.

Maybe Jamie owed Matt 20 bucks from last night's pizza and beer bash. I don’t know, but I do know that the cost of the damage he caused will be a heck of a lot more than the previous night’s Pizza Hut bill.

Matt Kenseth needs to check himself before he wrecks himself…..and others.


The race was red-flagged so that the debris from the crash can be cleared and we can have a super-cool, typical, nail-biting, pants-wetting, NASCAR finish.

They clean up the mess and get things going again. Mark Martin has the lead. He’s looking strong. He is an old and wily veteran and I want to see him win because he is cool and races clean and doesn’t whine and cry like a little girl.

We are told that it will be a green-white-checkers thing, and that if there’s a crash at any time that the yellow will come out and the positions will be frozen and whoever is in the lead at the time will be the winner.

Things are going swimmingly for Martin as the white flag falls. Martin is in first. The negligent Kyle Busch is right on his bumper. Martin gets a little loose, when, suddenly, the young and brash KebMo Harvick boat races right along side with a helpful bump draft from a fellow racer. Nearing the checkers, all hell breaks loose behind them, with cars crashing and flipping and burning in heinous fireballs and twisted wreckage!

Harvick pulls ahead of Martin, and then Martin recovers and pulls ahead of Harvick!

I’m thinking, “Yellow! Yellow! Mark Martin wins his first Daytona 500!!”

Unfortunately, it did not turn out as I suspected it should.

Harvick then pulled just inches ahead of Martin as they crossed the stripe!

NASCAR race control apparently forgot the rules or changed them at the last minute or decided Team Harvick had paid the right amount.

Race control neglected to throw the yellow, and the 2007 version of The Great American Race was awarded to KebMo Harvick.

Harvick blew up his engine doing donuts. Serves him right, the big dope!

Mark Martin was pretty gracious after the race, but he did say “I thought they were gonna throw the yellow” about five times, by my estimation.

I thought they were gonna throw the yellow too, Mark. The whole world thought they were gonna throw the yellow.

They should have thrown the yellow, regardless of what Darrell Waltrip says.

Mark Martin wuz robbed. Kinda. Sorta. Maybe. Probably.

The 2007 Daytona 500 was cool and fun and exciting and maybe a little controversial.

The End?

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