Sunday, January 29, 2012

A Major Award

I received major awards from work this week because I am a kick-ass, indispensable, irreplaceable, and essential employee.

I told you people I was awesome.

Maybe next time you will believe me when I tell you something.

suck and blow

I read somewhere on intardnets this week that work is a lot like playing the harmonica; you have to know when to suck, and when to blow.

Now…while this is funny as fuck, it is also at the same time not true in my case.

I simply put a lot of effort into my work, and I try to do my job in the most efficient way in order to satisfy the greatest number of customers.

I think outside the box to solve problems on my own, and I don't involve management unless I run into a issue I can't fix myself. 

At the same time, I will not risk causing personal injury or property damage in order to complete my assigned duties.

If road conditions are hazardous, my customers get their shit when they get it...and they'll know when they're "getting it" when I pull into their facilities and set the brakes.


It is a balancing act.

I am Safety Sam.

Or something...

If doing so makes my boss happy, that’s cool too.


Apparently my boss is happy, seeing as he has seen his way clear to present me with these two major awards.

Also apparent is that my supervisor is an extremely important and busy guy as evidenced by the fact that the awards are for July and October of 2011, and I am just now receiving them!

Company scuttlebutt says it is rare for a driver to get the monthly award twice in the same year.

The company rumor mill is also grinding out that winners of this coveted monthly award are eligible for “Driver Of The Year” fame, which entails a $10,000 after-tax prize and all-expense paid drunk-fest in Chicago.

…and seeing as I was awarded the monthly honor twice, my name will be dropped in the hat TWICE for the annual award.

I don’t know anything about all of that, though.

With my luck, the company will have decided to discontinue the exorbitant annual driver award prize thing.

Oh well.

It’s not like I was counting on it, but with $10k I could certainly afford to replace all of my guns that I lost in that horrendous para-sailing accident a while back.

Anyhoo…should I be so fortunate as to win the annual prize, I’ll be sure to let you fine folks know about it in my own special way.

In the meantime, I probably had better quit flipping off cops and bad drivers while out on the open road.

It wouldn’t look good for a multiple major award winner to do such things.

That’s what I think.

I dig the vintage depiction of truck drivers in movies and advertisements.  Clean, pressed uniforms.  Cool fedoras or hats like a cop or a soldier in garrison would wear.  Always helpful, smiling, and smartly saluting with a two-fingers Boy Scout salute.  Then they slit your throat!


Today, one is lucky to meet a steering-wheel-holder who speaks the King's English, has bathed in the last week, and isn't wearing sweat pants, a filthy wife-beater, and flip-flops.




  1. We see that every Christmas.

    a $10,000 after-tax prize and all-expense paid drunk-fest in Chicago.

    Chicago! Maybe they'll have compassion and give you another choice.:)

  2. Re: Chicago.

    I know. I couldn't even go there legally armed...that is..if I hadn't lost all my bang sticks in the horrific hot air ballooning incident.

  3. Hey I thought it was parasailing!


  4. Damn! I meant a barn fire. Yeah. That's it.

  5. C'mon, Driver, come clean. Your guns were all STOLEN. That's what happened. And then the thief lost 'em all in an avalanche just before he got beamed off the planet by aliens. And then a lost nuclear device went off right under the avalanche zone and rendered the entire area inhospitable to human life for the next 10,000 years.

    (Same thing happened to me. Ain't that a bitch? ;) )

    Congrats on the awards, though. Hey, if they're going to give us extra stuff simply for doing our jobs, let's not turn it down!

  6. Damn, Wraith! You too? It's amazing to me how many of these gun-thieving alien-abduction nuclear avalanche events we've been having lately.

    I'm beginning to see a pattern.

  7. Congratulations! Just be on the look out now. In 2005 I was Employee Of The Year. Savedd the company over 200k bucks, trimmed my department, cut back on purchasing. Spring of 2006 I was told I was not included in their future plans! So watch your 6!

  8. Dean Carder

    Unbelievable. Did they give you any more information?

  9. DC:

    It would have been flame-thrower time...


Feel free to comment away with your bad-ass selves.

Cursing and foul language is fine...even encouraged here. In fact, I think cussing is fucking wonderful.

Just remember...this is MY house, and I will not be insulted or maliciously messed with here.

Good-natured ribbing is cool, but if you and I don't have some kind of previous relationship, you had best mind your fucking manners or I will relegate you to the intardnets dustbin for being a cunt.

To know me is to love me.

Or something.