Monday, November 12, 2012

Shit Be Blowin’ Up Around My Neighborhood An’ Shit…

This time of year for me has been historically a festive occasion...and a good excuse for me to drink too much booze.

I will tell you why now and give you three reasons for this:

1- November 10th is my beloved United States Marine Corps birfday.

2- Veterans Day, November 11th.

C- Most importantly, my birfday, November 13th.

This year is extra special because I become 50 years old, which means I get additional unwanted attention from family and friends.

I just recently had to go get a Department Of Transportation physical for a new truck-driving job I will be starting soon.

This physical examination was a sexually charged affair.

As the frumpy female doctor fondled my junk and asked me to turn my head and cough, she gazed lovingly into my peepers with a flashlight and informed me that I have the beginnings of a cataract in my right shootin’ eye.

Upon hearing this, and not being very happy, I climaxed and called her a filthy whore.

She then reminded me that turning 50 soon meant that I needed to find me a petite Asian doctor with small hands to perform the much-ballyhooed colo-rectal screenings all broke-down males must endure when they get old.

We then collapsed into each other’s arms, had a smoke, and agreed neither of us would ever speak of this sordid incident again.


She was nothing like this.  She had nipples.  I'm assuming...

Anyhoo…back to shit blowing up and the reason for the season.

So Saturday I came home from work and it’s a warm day and I’m pissed and disgruntled and angry because my job sucks.

My workweek is done and I have some beer in the fridge and I commence to slam them.

I’m a light-weight, so after 4 16 ounce beers I’m feeling no pain.

I’m on a roll. 

I flip off the former neighbor who returns to the area to do yard work for old folks…and whose son’s dog I shot a couple of years ago.

I talk to some of my other neighbors about the horrific election results.

I clean and check guns for the upcoming apocalypse.

Then I go to bed at 7pm because I’m tired.

My window is open a little bit for some fresh air since it’s nice out.

At about 11pm I am awakened by what sounds like a bomb blast.

BAAAA-WOMPH!

The cheap aluminum casement slider window near my bed rattles, and I sit up and wonder, “Gawddam!  What the fuck was that?  Somebody musta REALLY slammed the front door in a fit of rage!”

It happens around my house…

Not caring a whole helluva lot, I plopped my stupid half-drunk head back down on the pillow and went back to sleep.

The next morning I awaken to find out a home in a vinyl village subdivision about 3 or 4 miles away had blown-the-fuck-up.





Anecdotal evidence suggests natural gas was the source of detonation, and the folks who lived in the house have said the furnace had been acting funky the last few days prior to the explosion.

Yes…I suppose so.

All kinds of wonks with conspiracy theories have suggested the blast was caused by a wrong mistake made while manufacturing meth-amphetamines.

Or a plane crash…

Or maybe it was a terrorist bomb…

The best theory I’ve seen was that it was a Predator drone/Hellfire missile strike gone awry!



Apparently, on the orders of the criminal Obama regime, the CIA-owned drone was on a mission to whack a couple of US Army installations in the Indianapolis area.

The US Air Force got wind of the little scheme, tracked the drone, and launched an A-6 Prowler electronic counter measures plane from Wright Patterson Air Force Base in Dayton, Ohio.



When the drone launched both of its Hellfires, the Prowler fucked up the missiles’ targeting data.

Then, the missiles went off course and slammed into the sleepy little bedroom community a few miles away from my house…killing two, injuring a dozen others, and laying waste to the area.

This theory seems a little far-fetched…even to me…a guy who, at this point, is more than willing to believe the traitor Obama would do anything to advance his socialist agenda to destroy America.

I dunno.

Happy birfday to me any damn way ‘cuz I’m special.

Special ed
.

31 comments:

  1. Happy Birfday Zoomie! :)

    And the drone explanation is as plausible as anything I've seen as of yet. Surely wasn't a gas leak or meth lab.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I dunno...the basements around here on new homes are pretty large...500-900 sq. ft.

      That's a shit-pot load of natural gas to build up...and blow up.

      Delete
  2. Rock on with your bad self WZ, you are a credit to the community. May your beer be cold and your tobacco fresh!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I dunno if I'm a credit, but I fill a niche for sure, I believe!

      Delete
  3. Happy B-Day and on the explosion; My first thought was that there was no way this was a natural gas-prompted blast. If it were though, it would be only the detonator of some heavy duty explosives already on-site IMHO.

    As to the drones theory, well that seems more than plausible as well.

    The key to any theory would be the history of the intended victims/occupants, which of course will never truly be known even though they were not home at the time,,,,,

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Interesting you should say that.

      This from the comments section of the local TV news:

      "Given the financial tumult that the homeowner is reportedly facing, and given the fact that the cat was boarded, and that the residents spent the night out because of furnace problems on a sixty five degree night, and the house had a 'wood burning fireplace with a gas starter' prior to the explosion, I wonder how inconceivable it is to imagine a plan to leave the gas on and leave the house to explode. With the advent of smart phone techology, one could call the home from any remote location and turn on an electrical device that ignites the house full of gas. Crazier things have happened..."

      Delete
  4. Happy Birthday Walter Zoomie,

    You got me beat by just over a month. I hope my 50th exam is a bit more exciting ;).

    In regards to the house explosion. I saw an article that said even after 18 hours they still didn't know what caused it. If it was explosives or a missile wouldnt there be a crater?

    Stay safe out there.


    CHEERS!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "If it was explosives or a missile wouldnt there be a crater?"

      Airburst! :D

      Delete
  5. Happy old day Zoomie.

    when I saw the news about the explosion I wondered if you had an "accident". Glad you didn't.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. NOTHING is an accident around here, my friend! ;)

      Delete
  6. Z:

    50 is the new 20.

    Or something.
    :-)

    Happy bday.

    ca
    wrsa

    ReplyDelete
  7. Happy birthday. Tin foil my friend. Line the whole fuckin' attic with it : )

    ReplyDelete
  8. Shit Bro I thought I missed it? So Happy Birthday ya old fuck!Since no one has an answer on the explosion and every agency in America is down there checking it out I am going with the drone theory! I think Obama was trying to take you out before you hit 50 but they got their GPS off. Glad they missed ya Bro! Enjoy 50 ain't so bad! Sorta.

    China
    III

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think Obama sent the CIA drone to make Patreus look even worse than he already looks!

      But you might be right. Maybe it was MY electronic counter-measures that sent the "Shit-Fire" missiles of course...

      Delete
  9. Thanks, all.
    As I get older and time goes by, I'm finding that you are the only folks who understand me other than my wife and kids.

    There's damn few of us left...

    ReplyDelete
  10. Happy Birthday, you cantankerous scribe. Don't accept any unwrapped candy bars, you don't know who's pissed on them.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Happy Fuckin Birthday, Zoomie.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Must you curse so?
      It's probably a violation of the UCMJ.
      Consider yourself on report.

      Thanks!

      Delete
  12. Dude, I've been so busy I missed your birthday, I'm so sorry....;( Well fuck it happy belated birthday, 50 huh, I got three more till that dreaded day..... Im not the conspiracy type, it was gas that the homeowners turned on and beat feet.......Have a good Friday.......;)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Happy Birthday Zoomie. Belated, that is. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, girlie.
      You are a great American.

      Delete
  14. Happy Belated Birthday, Zoomie. I know what you mean about gettin old. Either I'm developing cataracts too or that scantily clad young lady has no nipples. Uh, not that I'd notice, or anything.
    no1uno

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, and I noticed the lass was nipple-less after I posted her lovely visage. I couldn't bring myself to change the image...and I wouldn't kick her outta the sack for her apparent handicap either!

      Delete
  15. Happy birfday to me any damn way ‘cuz I’m special.

    Indeed.:)

    ReplyDelete
  16. Good morning WZ..

    Check this out:

    http://news.yahoo.com/ind-home-explosion-now-homicide-investigation-232646565.html

    Irish

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yessir.

      These assholes really got their tits in a wringer now.

      Up to their eyeballs in debt, so they buy a couple of Harleys and put them in storage somewhere, send their daughter and cat off to an overnighter, open a gas valve, and go to a casino hoping that the ensuing "accident" will allow them to collect insurance claims.

      Unfortunately, they blew up their block and incinerated their neighbors.

      Can you say "death penalty"?

      Sure. Sure you can.

      Delete
  17. Hey zoomie, I used your III arms GIF. on my blog, hope you don't mind.........

    ReplyDelete
  18. No problems. That's why I make them!

    ReplyDelete
  19. A belated Happy Birthday to ya' WZ.....
    Your opening "monologue" has me squirting hot coffee outta' my nose! (Note to self: Don't read Zoomies blog until morning coffee & toast is finished). Great stuff as always WZ!! Thanks....

    ReplyDelete

Feel free to comment away with your bad-ass selves.

Cursing and foul language is fine...even encouraged here. In fact, I think cussing is fucking wonderful.

Just remember...this is MY house, and I will not be insulted or maliciously messed with here.

Good-natured ribbing is cool, but if you and I don't have some kind of previous relationship, you had best mind your fucking manners or I will relegate you to the intardnets dustbin for being a cunt.

To know me is to love me.

Or something.

Maybe.