Saturday, May 1, 2010

Part 1- My Humongous Astronomical 2010 Indy 500 Blog Mess

It’s May 1th, and that can mean only one thing. It’s time for Indy and my fifth annual blog type thingy! It’s time for my vacation! It’s time for beer! Huzzah!

So…I get my Bronze Badge, Kodak Instamatic, lawn chair, and cooler loaded up into the Paul Tracy Commemorative Beer Wagon, and I head for the world’s most famous racecourse.

As I near the facility, things seem out of place and terribly awry. A tumbleweed rolls across my path on Georgetown Road.

Where are the throngs of enthusiastic and inebriated open wheel racing fans? Have they all forgotten about Indy?

I feel as if I am in an episode of the Twilighted Zone.

Or something…

As I approach the main gate, I see no Yellow Shirted individuals….no vendors hawking terribly overpriced but slickly produced officially sanctioned programs…no kiosks selling massive charcoal-broiled, gristle and tendon-laden turkey drum sticks.

None of that good shit.

Then, I see this horrific sight.


I cry and scream and bitch like Nancy Kerrigan after getting kneecapped by a surly thug of Italian extraction.


There is a big-ass rusty padlock on the main gate of my racetrack!

The Indianapolis Motor Speedway is closed!

What has happened? Who has made this wrong mistake and forgotten that my track is supposed to be open to the public when the month of May is upon us?

What the fuck? This will not stand. Somebody's fixin' to get their ass kicked. Hard.

I march my narrow butt to the Indianapolis Motor Speedway nerve center to demand an explanation!

There, I am told that, due to tuff economic times, the month of May festivities at Indy will only be two weeks long…and it doesn’t begin until May 15th, but that in reality there will still be the same amount of riveting and pants-wetting on-track action as there ever was or ever will be…and that right now at this moment, all the fast and shiny and real open wheel Indy racing units are in Kansas.

Kansas. Kansas? KANSAS?

What the ding-dang-dong freakin’ hell? The only things that should be in Kansas in May are tornadoes and corn seedlings. Not Indy cars.

I am infuriated, and I will now briefly enumerate for you, in no particular order, the reasons why:

1 - Don’t tell me about “tuff economic times.” I despise that term with a passion. I can’t remember when I personally did NOT have “tuff economic times,” so don’t even try that shit with me. It is May in Indy. Open the damn gates and entertain me.

2 - Seeing as the month of May is cut in half, I should get a 50% discount on my Bronze Badge purchase, but apparently that is not going to happen because, as explained to me earlier, there will still be the same amount of on-track excitement. Perhaps, but there won’t be the same amount of trackside beer drinking and tomfoolery time, so, therefore, I am getting rooked.

C - Back in olden times, the track would open on the first day of May, and sometime even in late April. I see no earthly reason to do otherwise, and besides, I have vacation to burn, and this abbreviated schedule means I will have to go to work and support my needful family instead of abusing my body with exotic intoxicating substances while on a paid leave of absence.

As I understand it, there is a new Chief Executive Officer for the IndyCar Series. His name is Randy. That’s a nice name.

I can see Randy and I are gonna have to have us a little sit-down and chit-chat in regards to legitimate and real open wheeled Indy racing during the month of May.


1 comment:

  1. sweet. NOW i am ready for indy!



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