Thursday, May 20, 2010

Part 10- My Humongous Astronomical 2010 Indy 500 Blog Mess: Danica Patrick-Hospenthal

As you may or may not know, I’ve spent the last few days trackside, observing and drinking beer and getting wet a lot.

I figure it’s about time I told you a few things I’ve seen, and my somewhat related thoughts.

First thing you should remember is that I’m no expert at anything, so you should probably take my comments with a coal shovel full of salt.

I will now talk about various drivers…in no particular order of importance.

The Princess, Danica Patrick-Hospenthal, was not a happy Indy racing legend today.

Even though Tony Kanaan set her car up for her, changed the oil, filter, and spark plugs, swept the carpet, and cleaned the glass, Mrs. Hospenthal had a difficult time in her #7 Oh-Go-Daddy-Get-It! Special.

Her first hot lap today damn near ended in a heinous racing incident in Turn 1.

Danica’s rear end started to swap out from under her, but she expertly caught it and continued on to the pits.

Later, I would see her quickly and stiff-leggedly marching back to her garage with a scowl on her face, and her sheepish but crack crew members prudently pushing her excrement-like racer about thirty paces behind.

I am confident the lads at Team Andretti will get her sorted out soon.

God help them if they don’t, because there’s nothing worse than a woman who is not satisfied with her automobile.

Perhaps Danica’s man Paul should give her a foot and shoulder massage like all good husbands are supposed to do.

Or…maybe Tony Kanaan should hang a pumpkin pie-scented air freshener in Mrs. Hospenthal’s racing sled.

I hear pumpkin pie will soothe just about anything that is bothering a person.

I know I don’t feel like being crabby when I’m eating pumpkin pie.

Who knows?

Maybe it will work at Indy.

I’ll bring the Cool-Whip, and we’ll make it a big party.

Or something…

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