Saturday, May 2, 2009

Part 1- My Fantastic Supreme 2009 Indy 500 Photo Diary Blog Type Thang

It is May in Indy.

I’m back…

Welcome to my fourth annual coverage of all things Indy 500.

I am on vacation for three weeks. I have my Bronze Badge. I have planned a large beer purchase. I have polished up the Kodak Instamatic, and I have an ample supply of film and flash bulbs.

It should be fun and exciting.


In case you didn’t know, my Indy 500 Blog Mess is kinda interactive, which means you are encouraged to comment and ask pertinent questions regarding all things Indy. I will answer any and all inquiries, as long as I have the strength.

Even though I am an old fart, I have embraced modern technology, kinda, and there are a multitude of ways in which you can send me your comments/suggestions.

I will list them for you now:

1—Post your replies/comments/questions here. That would probably be the easiest thing to do.

2—Private Message…in case you are too embarrassed about your poor spelling and grammar.

3—Email me at various addresses which are easily found if you are savvy. However, if you send me porn or viruses, I will hunt you down and cause you great pain, so don’t even think about it.

4—FacePlant. Yes. I have one of those silly things, and for the month of May, I will leave it open to all visitors. You will learn more than you ever wanted to know about my boring existence, but this is not about me, it’s about Indy, and it’s one more way to contact me if you desire. There are pictures of me and my family there, so don’t get any ideas about stalking them or kidnapping them, because I will put you in the Hurt Locker if you try it. (It might help to tell me how you know me or how you and I are connected at FacePlant. Otherwise I may or may not ignore you!)

5—Twatter. This is something I don’t think I’m really going to use, because I have no mobile computing type of device, and I’m not about to go Twatting at Indy, but it’s another way to leave me messages if you want.

Ok…now that we’ve got all that shit outta the way, let’s talk Indy.

Lots of cool stuff has been going on since the last time we met.

It’s the 100th Anniversary of the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, and there will be a three-year-long party in celebration! I used to think the weeklong birthday party for my little niece was overblown, but this takes the cake.

This year’s party will feature hot wind powered, lighter-than-air conveyances, and they will battle one another in various speed and skill contests.

This was tried once before, way back in olden times, and it went terribly wrong.

See…one of the lighter-than-air racing units, piloted by a ride-buying foreigner, (probably Martin Roth’s great-great GrandPappy), went out of control and crashed into the Third Turn shitters, causing incalculable damage and heinous loss of life. The bodies of the horribly mangled victims were buried in a secret mass grave at what is now the location of the Miller Lite Party Deck. This fact is not widely known because the IMS spin-doctors and cover-up professionals were hard at work…even back then.

During a full moon, it is said that one can hear the pitiful groans and protests of the ghosts of the victims. Please say a silent prayer for all of them.

There is also something mentioned in the 2009 Indy 500 Festivities schedule of events about a “Baboon Glow” going on. I’m not quite sure what this is all about, but it probably has something to do with imported monkeys from Chernobyl. I don’t see the connection, but apparently somebody smarter than me does, so who am I to say it is improper or imprudent to have irradiated monkey meat at the Citadel of Speed?

One of the most compelling stories for this year is the return of the disgruntled Canadian from Canadia…Paul Tracy. He got rooked real bad in 2002, apparently, so he’s out for a little payback. Paul will be running a sled from Jammy Billson’s stable, and will use its chromed horn to bump Helio, and anybody else, outta the way so he can legitimately taste the milk, get the ring and the Borg and the Pace Car, and all the hawt chicks.

Welcome back, Paul!

I like Paul Tracy. I think I would like to have many cold Molsons with him. Paul is mouthy and enraged. He runs his pie hole constantly, and doesn’t care what others think. He will be a great source of quotes and amusement this month. I wish him luck.

Another Paul making a grand return to Indy this year is broadcast legend Paul Page. He will take part in the radio broadcast of the race. That will be cool…just like olden times.

I can remember back a long time ago when Paul’s radio career took a nasty turn.

See…before his career went to unprecedented heights, he was paying his dues as a traffic reporter for WIBC/1070am radio here in Indy. He would fly around in the WhirlyBird and report all the traffic snarls and stuff.

One day, his helicopter suffered a catastrophic mechanical failure, and it plummeted to the ground at my high school’s football field. I had just finished up some kinda athletic team practice, and was exiting the building just after the crash. I was one of the first persons on the scene…other than the guy with a lit cigarette who climbed the fence and hurried to the aviation fuel soaked site.

Luckily, there was no hellish conflagration. Heroic firemen and medical technicians quickly rescued Paul and his pilot.

Mr. Page recovered nicely from his injuries, and is currently enjoying a revitalized broadcasting career as is evidenced by his participation in this year’s Indy 500.

Welcome back, Paul!

More coverage later…

Enjoy and get it on!


  1. I love the month of May (hereinafter referred to as MOM), and your posts have been a highlight since I found them about 5 or 6 years ago.

    Once again, I thank your for your Marine service, and here's my obligitory mention that my nephew just got out of the Marines two months ago after two tours in Iraq. He is a very bad man that I would want on my side should something ever go down.

    After very little training for the Indy Mini, he ran the 13.1 miles in 1:49. When I looked up his time though, I found that he did not have a 10 mile interval time, but his 5 mile interval was just under 40 mintues. I told him I'd respect that 1:49 time if I knew he didn't cheat, at which point he said that the timer doesn't work when you're inside a car. At least he didn't choke me out for being a smart-ass.

  2. I'm certain your nephew is not a bad man. He has probably seen and done a lot of unpleasnt stuff...stuff a civvie, or a former pogue like me, could never relate to.

    Give him his space, and be thankful there are men like him who are willing to serve our country.

    His improvisation of the marathon indicates high-spirits.

    I wouldn't worry about him.

    He'll be fine.

    Semper Fidelis.


Feel free to comment away with your bad-ass selves.

Cursing and foul language is fine...even encouraged here. In fact, I think cussing is fucking wonderful.

Just remember...this is MY house, and I will not be insulted or maliciously messed with here.

Good-natured ribbing is cool, but if you and I don't have some kind of previous relationship, you had best mind your fucking manners or I will relegate you to the intardnets dustbin for being a cunt.

To know me is to love me.

Or something.