A determined giant came-a-callin' today at The Indianapolis Motor Speedway. He was pissed, and he showed all the young whipper snappers the quick way around the famous oval, and ground their bones to make his bread.
Or something.
Maybe.
That's how all the hack reporters will describe Paul Tracy's reentry to Indy 500 competition today.
Probably.
As soon as the Indy Lites cars were finished with their dazzling display of speed not seen at IMS since 1972, the big cars made their appearance, and Paul came out and made it look easy.
Right outta the box, Paul was turning 220's, then parked it for a hearty lunch of back-bacon and a sixer of LaBatt's Blue.
Once Paul's lunch settled, he came back out and turned a blistering lap of 223+.
It was with a gracious tow, though, and as soon as Team Gecko and Jammy Billson were through with their back slapping and smiling and hand shaking, I loudly let them know about the tow.
I bet they would have been unaware otherwise...
I think the angry Canadian from Canadia is gonna be a force to reckon with come race day. Don't you reckon?
I just hope they don't get too cocky, because Indy will turn and bite them on the ass if they let it.
Hell...the only guy I ever saw who didn't get his ass bit at Indy was John Montoya, and, if you really stop and think about it, Indy DID eventually take a chunk outta Montoya's arse when Formula One paid us a visit.
Indy always gets its taste.
Eventually.
____________
Roger Penske has three cars for the race this year. He hasn't done that in a long time, and in these tough economic times, he probably wouldn't be doing it now if it wasn't for Helio getting in all kinds of legal trouble for allegedly putting eleventy billion dollars in a boat in international waters somewhere and almost getting sent up the river with his sister.
See...Roger believes in covering all his bases and preparing for all eventualities, so he stole Billy Power from Jammy Billson and Kebmoe KelpOven just in case Helio went to prison.
But, since Helio lawyered up and got off scott-free, Roger had a extra driver available for Indy, because it wouldn't look cool to fire Billy Power who had been doing such a great job as substitute driver for Twinkletoes.
You following me?
Anyhoo...If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that the Penske Organization won't lie to you and tell you they're gonna do something, then not do it.
Roger is firm but fair.
Billy Power is one lucky dude.
Billy Power knows this.
Rick Mears told him so.
A new accessory this year for real and fast IndyCar Honda racing engines is a muffler.___________
Now...I don't know about you, but, at first, I thought it was silly to put a muffler on a race car.
I mean...Hot-Rodders and Harley owners despise mufflers, mainly because mufflers cut their chances of getting noticed by hawt chicks, and because mufflers supposedly cut engine performance.
I can't say for sure whether either of the above things are true, because I'm too dumb to know anything about engines, and too hideous to worry about being notice by hawt chicks.
But, I can say that real and fast and shiny IndyCars are now a lot less noisy, and that the addition of mufflers has necessitated putting some kinda snorkel looking thing on the sides of the engine cover.
Snorkels are improper and imprudent.
Snorkels belong on submarines.
That's what I think.
__________
Speaking of HotRods, this is something I saw today at the track.
This is a Bill Vukovich Memorial/Commemorative, one-off, hand-fabricated, custom, real-world, modified, muffler-less, T-bucket, HotRod Jalopy Death Mobile.
It is cool too.
Even though its coolness is off-the-charts, it is NOT this...
..never could be.
...never will be.
__________
Dan Wheldon must feel like he's living in hell.
Dario Judd decided to quit NASCAR, because it was slow and boring and kinda sucky, and come back to IndyCars.
Dario stole Dan's job, so Dan had to take a gig with BlackCat Racing.
It's obvious to me Dan isn't a happy camper. He's not all spry and jovial anymore because he's sorta mid-packin' it now.
Kinda.
To top it all off, Dan has to drive this sled at Indy.
We've got more than our fair share of ugly race cars at Indy this year, but this paint job should win an award.
I would call that award:
"Paint job best resembling a gangrenous, pus-oozing canker sore."
Or something.
Maybe.
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Or something.
Maybe.