Monday, April 30, 2007

My 2007 Indy 500 Super Spectacular Pictorial Blog Type Thing

With apologies to DC Comics

Dedicated to the memory of Rick Johnson

May 1, 2007

It’s May again in Indy. That is always a good thing, I think.

I have scheduled to use much of my vacation time to be away from work for the month.
I take a lot of vacation time, because I get a lot of vacation time.
I have my Bronze Badge.
I have my Kodak Instamatic and many rolls of film and cases of flashcubes.
I have made a major beer purchase.

I am pretty much set, if you stop and think about it.

I will attempt to make my pictures and words even more better than last year. And, once again, you will be able to click on my pictures to get the dramatic and fuller and bestest effect!

I will cut to the chase and tell it like I see it, while, at the same time, I will try to be kinder and gentler, so as not to offend some of the delicate sensitivities one can often encounter during the month of May at Indy.

I will go off on tangents unrelated to anything anyone could possibly imagine.

You may or may not be entertained.

I am hopeful it will be the former.

I will first post my stuff at TrackForum, because it is the coolest, most realest Indy racing message board ever. Then, later on, as I have the time, I will post my ramblings here.

That way, if you don’t want to sift through other people’s comments about my silliness at TrackForum , you won’t need too.

Plus, I will probably make editorial changes at TrackForum that I won’t make here. Here, I can be more edgy and in-your-face and mean, or something. In other words, I can use filthy terms like suck, and not get banned or put on vacation. It will be kinda like a DVD with bonus material here.


I heartily encourage you to go to whichever location you wish. Having a choice is always a cool thing.

Pretty much.

Also, you may not have heard this, but I am selling stupid racing related T-shirts and junk on the intardnets now.*

It’s kinda like the Shirt Shack we had down by the Woolco when I was a kid in Speedway. I’d go into Shirt Shack and buy ¾ length sleeved baseball jerseys. Then, I’d have my last name printed on the back like the Big Leaguers do. I would go to the track and other special places wearing my clothing creations.

I will tell you now why I did those things.

I figured it was cool to have your last name on the back of your shirt because then all the good looking girls who weren’t from your school or neighborhood would know your name and would know who to ask for when they called or walked up to you and asked you for a date!

Yes. I was a great optimist when I was young. I’ll let you know sometime how this strategy worked out.

Anyways…my Shirt Shack On the Intardwebs is open for business 24/7. You can have your last name printed on the back of many of the shirts I designed, if you want, and maybe you’ll be able to hook up with somebody special. (Hook up is a term the kids like to use today. It means to meet a person and then have a meaningful, long-term relationship with them, I think.)

If you buy something, cool. If not, that’s cool too, because I don’t want to make any money, folks. I just love to sell funs!

Stay tuned. This should get interesting.


May 5, 2007

You may or may not remember when I said this way back a long time ago last year.


I do not subscribe to the hate and politics of open wheel racing. I watch it all…
There have been a lot of discussions, on the intardwebs and elsewhere, regarding ChampCar teams coming to Indy to race. I think that would be a cool and good thing.

I mean, who wouldn’t enjoy seeing the likes of SeaBass Bourdais, Speedy Dane Clarke from John Mellencamp’s band, Robert Doorknobs, Tristan GoIndy, Kathy Leggs, Frank Moreno from Mahogany Rush, Billy Power, Bobby’s boy GrahamCracker Rahal, Oral Servia, Al Tagliani, and superman Paul Tracy racing against the hot shoes from the IRL at the world’s greatest motor sports complex?

It would be fun because lots of seething-with-rage ChampCar fans would return to Indy to watch the competition and they would be forced to mingle with IRL fans and the rivalries would probably mean that there’d be fistfights and some cursing going on in the stands!

I know I’d like to see the above scenario come to fruition, but I bet it won’t, because there’s enough ego and pride and stubbornness and other stuff on both sides to fill Monroe reservoir.

I cite the following recent quotes as examples of this.

Kevin Kalkhoven, who is one of the big shots who helps run things at ChampCar, said this:


I told Tony that if he gives us free Honda engines, we'd buy the chassis and bring four or five drivers to Indianapolis. I never heard back from him, so I guess it's too late now. But I was serious.
Wow! He don’t want much, do he?

Tony George, who owns Indianapolis and the IRL and a bunch of other stuff, said this:


He offered, hypothetically and potentially, that it might be interesting to run 6-8 of the Champ Car teams and drivers in the 500 - which of course it would be…. and stir some rivalries such as; Sam and Sebastian; Danica and Katherine; Marco and Graham, etc.

He then pointed out that they had no engines, chassis, or sponsors to help make that happen and we would have to figure that out. He made no specific suggestion or offer, but the reality is that there are too many moving parts to make that happen.
Moving parts? Parts is parts, man. As that fake-ass Larry the Cable Guys says, “Get it done,” or something…

Asked if he would consider competing at this year’s Indianapolis 500 during Champ Car’s seven weeks off, Gerald Forsythe, another ChampCar big-wig replied:


Sure, if Tony George gives us the engines, chassis and Penske’s setup sheets.
I bet Roger thinks this is a silly idea. That’s what I think!

Sebastien Bourdais, the Frenchman from France who wins a lot in ChampCar said:


Sure, I'd like to do it again but only under the right circumstances. I mean, those IRL teams have had those cars for three or four years now and they’ve gained a lot since we were last there. You're not going to be able to just get a car and engine and think you can compete with Penske, Ganassi and Andretti's team. Without testing and the proper setup, we'd get our ass kicked.
Maybe you need to watch your filthy mouth there, Frenchy!

I bet you wouldn’t get your butt kicked, SeaBass, because you sorta know what Indy means and you have a professional racing team who could figure things out in short order. Pretty much.

Bruno Junqueira, a guy who still knows what Indy means even though he got hurt there a while back, said this:


I like that race very much and I’d like to win it some day but I don’t want to do it unless we’ve got a chance to be competitive. That takes testing and we wouldn’t have time this year.
Balderdash, Junky! You have darn near the whole month, and you have a professional team too. They have an awesome set of tools also, so I bet they could get you up to speed in an amount of time that would seem reasonable and satisfactory to you.

Anyhoo….some of the ChampCar teams should come over to Indy to race. That is my official stance on this subject.

Heck, they could pool their lunch money, or something, and buy a couple of IRL rigs and create one great big super team and come to Indy to compete, and not expect Tony George to pay for everything either. He already pays for too much now.


I am finished now discussing this matter with you people, and I will mention it no more.


It is now nearly time for the track to open.

Shiny and fast open wheel Indy racing machines will soon be orbiting the best speed track on the planet.

It is what it is.

I will be there.

I will enjoy it too.

Drop the green.

May 6, 2007

It was a near picture perfect day today at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway. I showed up at the track at 9am this morning because I have issues. I saw many interesting people and things too.

I think I might have seen Grover, but I wasn't sure if it was him and I wanted to avoid having my butt kicked and my beer stolen like he did to me last year, so I didn't go up and say howdy or anything. I quickly slinked away from him before he noticed me.

I saw Robin Miller.

I saw Arni, and said hello.

I saw SuperFlyFan with his Fisher-Price IndyCar nose cone. It is evident to me that this man knows what Indy means, and I would suggest that this photo supports that claim.

I noticed that they've sorta renamed the Vigoda.

The Vigoda used to be named after some kinda 4-wheeler all-terrain vehicle which is commonly used by evil conservative hunters or ranchers or off-road racers to destroy our fragile ecosystems.

Now the Vigoda is named after something really cool...LearJet.

I guess Tony George decided to abandon any thought he ever had about being politically correct, because any decision he ever makes is wrong to somebody somewhere, and now he's just gonna do what he wants and what feels good.

The world would be a lot better if we all did that.


Heck, I bet Tony has a LearJet at his private airport anyway, and he probably had a spare LearJet sign or two just sitting around ready to be bolted on the side of the Vigoda.

No sense in having a couple of cool signs going to waste, I figure.

Then I decide I need to go see some shiny Indy racing machines in the garages. But before I do that, I fulfill an earlier request by taking a picture of the AlleyCats.

The AlleyCats are a hardcore group of Indy racing enthusiasts who have a special area cordoned off with saw horses near the entrance to Gasoline Alley.

They like to drink beer and watch brave Indy drivers and cars.

They like to drink beer and get autographs and/or take pictures.

They like to drink beer and hoot and holler and have a good time.

They drink a lot of beer.

I bet they could afford many Bronze Badges if they didn't like beer so much.

I wonder if any of them have ever seen an Indy car at speed from the grandstands?

I could not answer that question, but I'm pretty sure that the AlleyCats know what Indy means, so that's good enough for me.

I then entered the garage area and said hello to and chatted with a cool Yellowshirt I've come to know the past few years. I figure if I am nice to him he might let it slide sometime if I Eff up somehow at the track. You just never know...

Pretty soon I was at the Vision Team garage and saw them working on Dave Hamilton's racer.

The Vision Team is owned by Tony George, in case you didn't know.

Tony landed a big time sponsor in getting Hewlett Packard. Wow!

I can't afford HP products. In fact, I'm using an old IBM monitor right now as we speak....or type....or read...or whatever you want to call this form of communicating.

Anyhoo...I got this IBM monitor from my uncle. He was going to throw it away, or something, but I told him I'd take it because my old Gateway monitor was sure to take a crap on me eventually....and it did!

Boy! Do I ever look like a genius, or what?

Perhaps you should not answer that question.

Someday, maybe I'll be rich and famous and I'll have an all HP computer rig.

I am currently dreaming of that day...

I stalked, er, uh, followed the Vision/HP crew as they took Dave Hamilton's sled to the fuel pumps.

The following two pictures are examples of what that activity would have looked like to you had you been there.

Dave hasn't raced an Indy car since 2001 when he trashed his legs in a heinous racing incident. He's much better now, and he is showing how tough and brave he is by getting back into a car at Indy.

I salute you, courageous Indycar drivin' man!

Before too long, I heard a familiar rumbling sound. The sound I heard was the gleaming streamlined Penske transporter semi truck. It is cool too!

I didn't bother to ask them if they needed help backing out of the garage area this year, like I asked them last year, even though I too know how to drive the big rigs pretty well.

See...truck drivers are normally a proud and confident bunch. We rarely ask other drivers to help us out in sticky situations unless we are really tired and don't feel like causing massive amounts of property damage and/or personal injuries.

And besides, it wouldn't look professional for a dork race fan with a Kodak Instamatic strapped to his belt to reverse Roger Penske's hauler out of the garage area.

I have no doubt that Mr. Penske would fire any of his truck drivers who allowed the above scenario to become reality.

The following image is a bit disturbing to me. Look closely.

One of two things is happening here:

1- Illegal and unsavory transportation of cadavers in unapproved, privately-owned commercial vehicles.

2- Dangerous horseplay.

...neither of which is Penske Incorporated policy, I'm sure.

I bet heads will roll if Roger gets a gander at the above picture.

That's what I think.

This is a picture of Chucky pedaling around the garage area.

Chucky is an Indianapolis Motor Speedway icon. He has been working at IMS ever since I can remember. I recall him selling Frosted Malts in the grandstands when I was a kid....over 30 years!

(Frosted Malts were my favorite track treat back in olden times, and you knew you were having a special day and that your mom or dad loved you when you got to enjoy a Frosted Malt at the track. Frosted Malts were just simply chocolate ice cream in a cardboard cup that one would eat with a flat wooden spoon-type device, I think, but they were scrumptious!)

Anyhoo...back to Chucky. He is a little bit mentally challenged, maybe, but the cool thing is that everybody treats him with respect and is nice to him. Nobody teases him or messes with him. Lots of people talk to him and are glad to see him.

Heck, a few years ago the race teams got together and built him the awesome trike he uses to sell his newspapers!

The Hulman/George family and the racing community are to be commended for helping Chucky be more self-sufficient and independent.

...and I really mean that too.

I'm not being stupid and silly when I say it.


Today was AJ Foyt Love-Fest Day at IMS because AJ has been at the track, smashing stuff and winning races, for 50 years. They brought out all of AJ's winning sleds and drove them around the track.

It was cool too! Here's a few shots of the winning sleds of Anthony Joseph Foyt, Jr.

Here's some shots of Milk 'n' Donuts doing her thing at Indy. She was smooth and consistent, I think, and took her time to get up to speed and get comfortable.

Indy is a hell of a place to cut your teeth in real open wheel racing for only the second time in your life.

She'll be fine, I hope.

This will be my last posting for the night because I am extremely bleary eyed and sunburned and windburned and tired.

This is Jack Lazier's Playa Del entry. Nice looking rig!

This is Mikey Andretti. He hasn't driven an Indy racer since last year. It took him 4 laps to get up to 220mph. He is amazing, bordering on spectacular!

I will allow you to write or photoshop your own joke on this one if you want...

Good night, race fans!

May 7, 2007

I have some top secret software and access to satellite imagery that I got from HomeLand Security, or Tom Ridge, or George W. Bush, or somebody spooky like that.

I can't tell you much more about it though, because then it wouldn't be so secret, would it? is a sneaky picture I had taken from outer space.

This sneaky picture I took shows me exactly who is looking at my blog and where they live and their addresses and phone numbers and inseam lengths!

Each dot represents the last 100 people who have clicked on my foolishness here on the intardnets.

These dots are telling me a few things:

1- The midwest has many silly people.

2- Even Canadians have a passing interest in all things Indy. Canadians are cool, I think.

3- Maybe we should give back Alaska and Hawaii and Florida to the Russians or the Japanese or the Spanish, or whoever owned them before, because they obviously have better things to do and can't be bothered with participating in light-hearted, real Indy-racing-related banter.

I would be interested to hear you interpretations of the above image.

It was kind of a slow day at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway today, but it was still cool because I saw some shiny and fast open wheel racing machines turning laps. Therefore, I can honestly say that it was much better than being at work. (Sorry boss.)

I say sorry because I know he's reading this, but I also know that he agrees whole heartedly with my above statement.

I am fairly confident that I will still have a job when I return many, many, many, many, many days from now after race day.

Yes. As long as I don't say the word suck too much, I will still be employed.


This is Buddy Lazier's race car. He will take to the track tomorrow when all the big dogs come out and play.

Tony George's Vision Team should be a force this year. They have some good pilots and excellent equipment.

I am looking for good things from them, and if I don't see any good things from them, Tony and I are going to have a sit down and have us a little chit-chat as to why his team is under performing.

I bet Tony is very nervous about the possibility of having to explain himself to me.

Don't you?

Here is Ed Carpantier's car coming out of Tech Inspection.

Here is a dramatic aerial view of Ed's sled. Feel the drama!

I will not tell you how I got this exciting and pants-wetting image. Real and professional photographers don't reveal their special techniques or trade secrets.

I'm not going to tell you because I've forgotten already how I did it!

Here's a shot I took today in the pits. It features Vision Team hot shoes Anthony Foyt and Ed Carpantier chillin' and looking cool, while their team mate Dave Hamilton sweats it out on the track.

When drivers are in their civilian attire and loiter around in the pit area, they look very cool and confident and sure of themselves. That's the kind of thing pretty girls are attracted to. Probably.

I don't imagine Ed or Anthony have many problems getting hooked up, and I bet they never have to print their last names on the backs of their shirts either.

By the way...don't go thinking I am attracted to either one of these guys. Not that there'd be anything wrong with that....but....I like women. Heck, I am married to a woman, if that tells you anything!

I am not looking to get hooked up. I already am.

This is the car Anthony will drive during the race.

He hopes to win several more Indy 500's than his famous older relative did.

If Anthony wins this year, I bet AJ will come tear-assing into the Victory Pedestal area all sobbing and teary eyed and blubbering and overflowing with liquid snot substance.

Then, AJ will give Anthony many rough noogies, I bet.

Here is the Urban Dictionary's definition of noogies:


A painful sensation caused by the rubbing of knuckle, fist, or hand to ones head. Generally causing hair displacement and mild cursing.
Yes. It makes sense to me that the above scenario would come to fruition if Anthony wins the Indy 500, because both of these fine gentlemen know what Indy means.

Speaking of AJ, here's his crew getting busy doing important stuff today.

Yesterday, they were doing some not-so-important taking delivery of a couple of outta sight Harleys!

These are real and cool motorcycles. This is how a motorcycle is supposed to look.

That fact is indisputable. However, I believe anything one does at Indy during the month of May should be directly related to race car preparation.

Race crews have the rest of their lives to horse around with Harleys. May at Indy comes but once a year, and AJ knows this.

I figure the crews had the bikes delivered while AJ wasn't looking, because as soon as the crews took possession of the bikes, they spirited them away to some other undisclosed maybe Sam Hornish's garage.

AJ would never think to look there.

"Outta sight, outta mind. What AJ don't know won't hurt him."

I can hear the crews thoughts and words, because I used to do the same sort of thing when I would try to get over on my parents.

I would spend an inordinate amount of money on stupid stuff like hi-fi equipment or Aerosmith records, and then I would sneak them into the house by slipping them into my bedroom window. Then, I would walk in the front door empty handed like it was cool, or something.

Same kinda deal here...

Thing is....AJ, and my parents, aren't/weren't stupid. They know what's going on, but, a lot of times, they let us go ahead and screw up so we will learn a valuable life lesson later on.

AJ, and parents, are wise.


One often hears about how accessible IndyCar Series drivers are to the fans. The drivers are most often very friendly and nice and willing to chat about their days activities with enthusiastic crowds.

I have found this to be true, pretty much.

A co-worker once asked me if there were any drivers that I ever hated during my long years of Indy open wheel attendance.

Hate is such a strong word. Sure, there were some drivers I admired or appreciated more than others, but I never really hated any of them.

That is, until today....

I hate this driver.

I asked him how his car was handling.
I asked him if he was able to acquire enough sponsor dollars to run the entire schedule.
I asked him about his racing background.
I asked him for a job as the official and full-time team photographer.
I asked him if he cared for a cold beer.

He didn't answer one of my questions.
He wouldn't say a word.
He ignored me completely.
It was as if he was looking right through me.
Stone silence...
Heck, he didn't even move, or open his visor to look me in my bloodshot eyes!

I hate this driver.

I think I'll report him to Brian Barnhart.

That's what I'll do!

Here are several pictures right in a row with no stupid comments from me. I bet you are thankful for that!

Unloading Kanaan...

Matsuura car at tech...

Unloading Sarah Fisher's racing unit...

The Jeff Simmons rig gets a thorough seeing to...

Vitor's racer...

Here we see the crack Target/Chip Ganassi crew testing their finely tuned racing mill. They were revving it and punishing it and I stood right there and soaked it all in without hearing protection because ear plugs are for girls.

I've heard it said, on the intardnets and elsewhere, that the new ethanol fuel is more better than methanol and smells like buttered popcorn when it is being burned at alarming rates in an IndyCar engine.

I think it smells more like a sweet and spicy piece of orgasmic heaven. That's what I think! And, it doesn't make your eyes water or repulse you like methanol does either.

In fact, I think the odor of burning ethanol should be bottled and used as a cologne or body splash, or maybe even marketed somehow as a kind of soap on a rope, or something. (We could call my fragrance Zoomie's Unforgettable Hawt Indy Nights. Maybe.)

It smells much so that, even now, I can still smell it on me because it is stuck to the sunscreen I put on my pasty white emaciated body this morning.

I may not shower the rest of the month. You wouldn't like me very much then, would you?

For my final post of this evening, I have a very special and exciting and secret announcement to make. After a lot of hard work by a lot of dedicated people, it seems as if a long-time dream of mine might be coming true.

If everything works as planned, I will attempt to make the field for this year's Indy 500. I will tell you now how this came about.

I talked to Milk 'n' Donuts today. She said once she makes the field, that I could have her backup car. She had already cleared it with Hugo Chavez, so my next step was to get a quick lesson in real IndyCar racing.

To do that, I had to get permission from Tony George to use his race track. So, after the 6pm gun went off today, Tony had the joint cleared completely of people. The only folks there were my car's crew and the safety trucks stationed around the track.

I made sure there was an able photographer there too, because I wanted to record this moment for posterity and also to prove that I wasn't just making this whole thing up.

Here I am, at speed, on Indy's main straight!

I am a badass! I am amazing, bordering on spectacular! As evidence of this, you'll note I'm not even wearing a helmet. That's how tough I am!

If Milka wrecks her primary, I guess I'm S.O.L. though, so let's hope she keeps her stuff squared away.

Look out Helio! Zoomie's comin' for you, man.

May 8, 2007

Here is an updated spy satellite image indicating just exactly who is clicking on my ridiculous blog thingy, and what they had for breakfast.

If you look closely, you will see several things:

1- Florida has decided to participate and be a team player. Thanks for joining us, SunShine State!

2- Someone from Portugal has checked in! Welcome, Portugal! Don't drink too much Ouzo. I know you Mediterranean types like your Ouzo. I would prefer to never taste Ouzo again. It tastes like liquorice, both coming and going.

3- Alaska and Hawaii still haven't made an appearance. I'm glad I still have a 48 star flag.

4- My friends from the United Kingdom are conspicuous by their absence. Maybe they are too busy worrying about Her Majesty while she is over on this side of the pond. She'll be fine, mates. I cordially invite you to attend here.

5- Asia, most of Europe, Australia and South America haven't yet clicked, but that's OK because I don't need any Trojan horses or viruses or suggestions that I should send my banking account numbers to them.

6- The South Pole is still icy, regardless of what Al Gore says.

A big and hearty thank you to all who have bothered to click!

You are cool.


Yes. Today was a stupendous day at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway. As Bob Jenkins, the broadcast legend, is prone to say, it was an all-skate in the normal direction today.

The big dogs took to the racing surface. They didn't waste any time either!

Chip's boys came out STRONG right outta the box.

Heck, Wheldon did one or two warm-up laps, then he pulled a 220+ lap! Unreal!

He and Scott Dixon ended up going even faster a little later on, but I don't have all the statistics for you because statistics are boring and will put a brick to sleep.

If you want actual lap times, I suggest you utilize Google, or something.

Here is the racing machine of Ryan Briscoe.

It looks like one of the old Pennzoil Penske/Chevy rigs from back in olden times. Therefore, it is cool beyond reasonable belief.

This car is owned by Roger Penske's son.

His name is Jay.

I bet Jay gets all of Roger's setups and top secret hints and special aerodynamic mirror mounts.

In fact, I know the above to be the case, because, if you look closely, you can see that Briscoe's mirror mounts are covered and concealed from prying eyes with high speed, low-drag, teflon-coated and stealthy rear view mirror upright covering devices.

Yes indeed. Nepotism can be a fruitful and good thing in real, open wheel Indy racing.

I saw Sam Hornish following Briscoe around the track today too. I bet Sam was talking to Ryan via walkie-talkie....telling him when he was and wasn't screwing up.

If I was Brisoe, I'd be listening closely to Sam. Sam is an Indy Champ.

Sam knows what Indy means.

Nothing more needs to be said, I think.

Here are some shots of the Penske racers you might like. Please note the super special high speed, low-drag, teflon-coated and stealthy rear view mirror upright covering devices!

This is the car of two-time Indy champ Helio Castroneves.

A lot of people groan and get mad and stuff whenever a Penske car wins a race.

Not me, though, and I will now tell you why.

I think it's refreshing to see a guy or a company so dedicated to doing the best it can and performing at the highest level.

It seems like nowadays, good enough is good enough, and half-assed efforts are rewarded and lauded as being cool and normal and expected and satisfactory most of the time.

Not with Roger Penske! I bet he breaks out the headache stick whenever he finds out he has a recalcitrant malingerer on his team.

That's how I'd run my real Indy racing team too.

Roger and I are a lot alike, if you really stop and think about it.

Here's a couple of images depicting the racer of defending Indy Champ Sam Hornish.

I think this last picture turned out kinda cool because the background is sorta blurry while the foreground is clear. It is so clear that, if you look closely, you can even see the little rubber hairs on the sidewall of the tires.

I pay attention to details like that sometimes.

Roger Penske would probably have some interest in hiring me for an important position in his organization.


These are photos of some of the shiny and fast Indy racing units from the Andretti/Green stable.

Tony Kanaan was the team test driver today. He removed and installed his seat into darn near every one of his team mates' rigs.

Marco has been a little gun-shy with his car lately, maybe, so Tony jumped in it first thing today and posted blistering speed. Then, Tony pulled into the pits, jumped out, threw the keys back to Marco, and said, "There ain't nuthin' wrong with this car, boy. Get in it and drive it!"

Don't ask me why Tony Kanaan was speaking like a Hoosier hillbilly.

I cannot answer that question.

Perhaps he has been in Indiana too long.

Ask Mr. Kanaan.

Here is Dario Judd engaging in dangerous horseplay.

Marco's sled after a thorough flogging by Tony Kanaan...

The boss's car...

The color green used to be bad luck in real Indy racing back in the day. The old time legends, like Jimmy Bryan or Steve Krisiloff, would never think to paint their race cars green.

Apparently, it had been decided some time previous, that painting your belly-bumper green would not be prudent. (Belly-bumper is a new synonym for the term race-car I just Thesaurused... or made up. Sorta.)

If you are curious as to the origin of this green-is-evil superstition, I suggest you consult Google, or David Donaldson, or something.

The Brits came along in about 1961 with their cute little cars they painted British Racing Green and changed everything forever.

Darn those Brits... are two teams, who didn't get the above mentioned memo, and their green cars. These are improper paint jobs, in my opinion.

I would not drive a green race car.

I would refuse, and there isn't anyone, here or anywhere else, big enough to make me drive a green race car!

A dramatic, high-altitude view of the Milk 'n' Donuts mobile...

She has run many laps in this car.

She is going to wear it out, and then pull her backup ride out from under me.


I will not be happy then.

She needs to give it a rest.

Pretty much.

Vitor Meira engaging in dangerous horseplay...

There's an awful lot of this sort of thing going on at IMS this year. Tony George or Brian Barnhart need to tug on the reigns a little, I think.

Pretty soon, the kids are gonna be outta hand, and it'll be too late to stop the madness.

Here's a view of the inner workings of Chastain Motorsports.

I think they just got to IMS today, because they were still setting up and their car was in eleventy trillion pieces. Their driver will be Steve Gregory.

He is a Frenchman from France.

Last year, he drove the Effen car and insulted and offended many people with his filthy sponsor name.

It is nice that he found a team with a good family name this year.

Earlier today, John Herb, in his Racing Professionals Spl., was tooling around the legendary 2.5 mile oval, when, unexpectedly, the left mirror fell off.

No big deal, right? That's what I thought too. They fixed it pretty quick, and I bet they fixed it the same way I fix stuff around the house.

Whenever something falls apart at the Zoomie homestead, I just use a few more and bigger and longer drywall screws, and then all is right with the world.

And, sometimes, if the hole the screw is supposed to go into is too big and wallered out, I break off some wooden toothpicks in the hole and then squirt some Elmers Glue into the hole to make things just that much more secure. Finally, I will drive the drywall screws into the above mentioned prepared holes, making things all tidy and tight and stuff.

Team Racing Professionals probably fixed their mirror issues in the same exact way, I bet.

A little later on today, something unfortunate happened. John Herb made a wrong mistake at Indy.

This is what a wrong mistake at Indy looks like.

Luckily and thankfully, John Herb is OK.

Wrong mistakes at Indy are expensive and depressing.

I don't think drywall screws and toothpicks and Elmers Glue will fix this wrong mistake.

I hope Racing Professionals have an awesome set of tools. They are going to need them.

Otherwise, this rig will forever remain in the Indy HurtLocker. The Indy HurtLocker is a place where all the bits and pieces of shattered Indy racing machines end up after wrong mistakes are committed at Indy.

You don't want to visit the Indy HurtLocker.

It is bad mojo.

For my final post of this evening, I have some exciting news! This announcement has me vibrating like a Chevy pushrod!

When I came home from the track today, I had an email from a well-placed TrackForum source stating that I would be getting a SILVER BADGE in recognition of my hard work and stuff on the intardnets here!! (I feel so dirty when people call this stuff I do work.)

I will be TrackForum's Official/UnOfficial Pit Lane reporter/photographer guy!

Apparently, many strings had to be pulled and promises made and lies told so that I would receive one of these highly sought after credentials.

In case you don't know, having a Silver Badge means you are almost the coolest real open wheel Indy racing insider ever. A Silver Badge is a lot like a Bronze Badge, except that a Silver Badge is even more better.

A Silver Badge means you can get in the pits and rub elbows with Rick Mears or Kim Green or Marty Roth or Mrs. Michael Andretti!

You get parking privileges to, I think. That means I won't have to park in the third turn and hump heavy beer for a mile.


Also, I can get into the pits on race day until 11:30 if I want. I don't think I want to take advantage of this, though, because I will be sitting with my cool sister and her husband and my son and all the other cool people in J Stand on race day.

There are already too many hangers-on and people that have no business in the pits on race day, so I think I will pass on that particular advantageous aspect of the Silver Badge program.

I will use it every other day, though, and I will make every effort to make you all proud and glad you know me.

I will shoot breath-taking and candid and personal photos of the cars and stars of real open wheel Indy racing.

I will bathe and brush my fangs beforehand.
I will not be intoxicated.
I will wear long pants and appropriate footwear in the time honored tradition.
I will be aware of what's happening up the track.
I will not curse too much within earshot of a lady.
I will not flick boogers onto the racing surface.
I will try to not wet my pants from excitement.

I'd like to thank a certain top-secret TrackForum member, and especially the most wonderfullest folks in the world at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, and in particular, Mr. Fred Nation and Ms. Deb Taylor!!

It's Christmas in May!

My dad would be so proud.


May 9, 2007

Here is the latest spy satellite image indicating weather and intardwebs conditions around the world and who is sitting around being lazy at work or in their underwear at home clicking on my foolishness...

It is nice to see another continent has checked in for participation in light, real, open wheel Indy banter.

That new and special continent is Australia! I like Australia. I think Australia is cool, even though I've never been there. It's kinda too far for me to drive, I think. They need to move a little closer. That would be more convenient for me.

Australia is cool for many reason. I will list them now.

1- AC/DC

2- Jet

3- Foster's Lager

4- The Outback SteakHouse

5- They are part of the United Kingdom, and the UK is always cool in my book. Even though the UK and the US have experienced some unpleasantness way back in the olden times, we are now fast friends, and we feel comfortable sharing girlfriends and nuclear missile technology and stuff.

6- Their general attitude. Australia was created by a bunch of criminals and never-do-wells and free spirits who decided they wanted something a little different from Merry Old England.

7- Australia still remembers and appreciates how the US helped them keep some marauding and surly Japanese soldiers off their soil back in the 1940's.

8- Australia has a prime minister who shoots from the hip and doesn't take any crap from terrorists or other hateful characters too.

I bet I would get along famously with the fine people of Australia.

That's what I think!

Thanks for clicking, Australia!

I knew it was going to be a good day at the track when I arrived armed to the teeth with new and special real open wheel Indy racing credentials and stuff.

When I pulled in the lot, the Yellow Shirt asked, "Are you a reporter?"

I replied, "No. I am a combat correspondent."

Things went downhill from there with the Yellow Shirt. Maybe I'll tell you that story sometime.

Pretty soon, it started raining hard. This is proof that God has a sense of humor.

I was laughing too. One should always laugh at God's jokes, because if you don't, you'll be miserable all the time.

Life is too short to be miserable all the time, so, since there weren't any cars on the track, I strolled around to see what might catch my eye.

This is what caught my eye. This is the Corvette Pace Car.

It is cool, as Corvettes always are.

The only problem I have with this Corvette Pace Car is the color. Pace cars should be painted a bright and highly visible and cool color like red or yellow or white.

Pace Cars should never be painted a color that matches the rusted catch fencing.

Camouflaging your Pace Car is improper and imprudent.

With that said, I would not kick a camouflaged Pace Car out of my garage!

No. That would never happen.

Soon, I grew weary of slobbering on the Corvette, so I cruised the garages.

Here is an ace mechanic from Chastain Motorsports preparing their shiny, and hopefully, fast Indy racing machine. They were thrashing hard the last three days to get this rig ready for their French driver Steve Gregory.

This is Mr. Gregory's crew at the fuel island. Their racer is wearing the latest in rain fashions this season. It is very sexy...maybe too sexy!

I saw one crew member put his arm way up inside this car's fuel tank like he was performing some kind of sick and twisted and demented vehicular prostate exam on it!

I have a picture of this unsavory act, but I will not publish this photo here, nor anywhere else, on the intardwebs.

I try to do a clean act, and I have found that discretion is very important in real Indy racing. If I go blabbing about all the stuff I hear or know or see all the time, it wouldn't be cool.

So please don't ask to see the photo.

This is what I saw next when I rounded the corner. It is the Citgo garage of Milk 'n' Donuts.

If you look closely, you will see a cool toolbox with the Union Jack on it.

I bet that tool box is a souvenir from the Falklands War. I suspect it was liberated from a Royal Navy frigate, or something.

Or, maybe the tool box used to belong to the roadies of the band The Who, and it was lost or stolen during Who's Next world tour.

Either way, it seems to me somebody has sticky fingers on the Citgo crew, so the other teams better keep a watchful eye on their equipment.


When I was in the Marine Corps, we had a saying that went, "Gear adrift is a gift."

Same kinda deal here.

The rains became very heavy, so I went back to my car because I can't let my Kodak Instamatic get wet.

I had some cold pizza and a beer. The monotonous staccato of rain on the car roof soon had me taking a nap.

Old people take naps sometimes.

After my nap, I went home because it was still raining and I figured they'd never get the track dried in time for any activity.

Boy, was I wrong!

While listening to the live feed on the intardnet, I heard that the sun was out and the track was drying and they'd throw the green in a half hour!

I make it back to the track and I finally get to use my cool Indy racing insider pit credentials. I was so happy and excited that I did a little dance as soon as I crossed that magic line separating the unwashed masses from the elite, pit pass holding glitterarti.

My dance was exactly like the dance Darryl Waltrip performed when he won the 1989 Daytona 500. I call it the Zoomie Shuffle though.

Hopefully, none of you witnessed my dance.

It was horrendous, bordering on nauseating, I'm sure.

Here are some groovy and outta sight pictures I was able to take in the pits.

Buddy Lazier...

Martin Roth...


Milk 'n' Donuts...

Here are a couple of shots of Sarah Fisher. She is real Indy open wheel racing's girl next door.

Sarah is cool. I think I would like to have a cold beer with her, or take her to the prom, or meet her parents, or something.

Pretty much.

Some mean people somewhere might title this photo Cat Fight At Indy. I would never give one of my pictures a name like that.

More intimate pit road photos for your viewing pleasure with limited interruptions...




I swear the green paint on this sled makes my camera ill!

These are my closing shots for this evening. This is the Chastain Motorsports Panoz with Steve Gregory chomping at the bit to take it for a ride.

Unfortunately, the team wasn't able to get Steve going before the practice session ended.

I think the Panoz is a much prettier and sexier car than the Dallara, and these photos prove that sentiment.

Pretty much.

I Googled Chastain Motorsports and I found out they might be getting Linus Operating Systems as a key sponsor.

I don't understand how a Charles M. Schulz cartoon character who is known for sucking his thumb translates to Indy car racing.

Nor am I interested in going to a hospital and having surgery performed by a prepubescent youth toting a filthy, disease ridden blanket.

In any case, what I believe doesn't matter. If real Indy racers want to race, and to do that they have to get a weird sponsor or two, who am I to say it's bad or not?

I'm just a dork race fan with a camera and intardweb access.

What do I know?

Nobody care what I think anyways...

Good night.

See ya track side...

May 10, 2007

This is the latest picture I took from outer space showing the spread and influence of my evil blog type thing throughout the world.

It is noteworthy for a couple of reasons today:

1- The continent of South America, in general, has finally clicked on my stupidity and found some interest in viewing light hearted Indy 500 chit-chat. The country in particular is Chili. Chili is a long skinny country way down south in the southern part of South America on the west coast side. I bet it is very hot and steamy all the time in Chili, because it is near the equator, hence the name Chili.

Ma Unser used to have a big chili party at the Indy 500 way back in the olden times. I bet that's where the South American country got its name.

Thanks for clicking, Chili!

2- Many more Aussies have checked in. Having Aussies around is always a good thing. You are guaranteed a good time whenever the Aussies show up at your party. You just better be sure to have plenty of beer available for them.

If you are an American, you should never try to out-drink an Aussie. It can't be done, and trying to do so will only make you vomit and look like a dumb Yank.

Something even more interesting is the fact that Tasmania has clicked here recently. Tasmania is a big island off the coast of Australia which has many weird and special animals unavailable anywhere else at any price.

Tasmania has a small furry and fanged creature which can whirl around so fast it can chew completely through mighty oak trees and brick walls. This critter growls and drools a lot and even sometimes talks! When it talks, it talks like a caveman and says stuff like, "Me want woman!"

I bet the people who live on Tasmania can out-drink their Aussie neighbors. We Yanks should probably steer clear of the Tasmanians when they drink.

That's what I think.

I am sorry. I have been a recalcitrant malingerer. Today I did not devote all my attention to providing the Indy 500 coverage you deserve.

I will now make some excuses.

I ran into a buddy with whom I went to US Marine boot camp. I hadn't seen him in a year. I had a case of cold beer in my car.

You can probably imagine what happened next. I spent an hour or better with him, BSing and telling lies, and we Eff'd up that case of cold beer in the infield of the World's Greatest Racing Facility!

That's what happened!

Luckily, I was able to get some pictures prior to the above decadence taking place.

This is Al Unser Jr.

In spite of his recent legal/personal problems, Al is a two-time Indy Champ. He has more rings than all the Andretti's and their drivers combined.

I wish him luck and success in all of his struggles.


There but for the grace of God...


This is the Roger Penske subsidized racing machine of Ryan Briscoe.

I saw 4-time Indy champ Rick Mears today. Was hanging out with Jay Penske's team and giving them fatherly advice.

I bet Jay has recommendations coming from all directions. I think it's almost like Jay has two daddies. One is his real daddy, Roger Penske. The second would be Rick Mears, his surrogate daddy.

Jay is probably bald from tearing his hair out. Indy can be stressful that way sometimes.

Here's a couple of shots of the Chastain Motorsports team.

They are gripping for some additional speed. I watched them climb to 216mph, then they kinda leveled off.

Keep working team! We are all pulling for you!

It's easy to root for the Penskes/Ganassis/Andrettis.

I like to be a little different and watch the smaller teams and root for them. The smaller teams are chasing a dream and are sorta old school and they need our support and they need us to hoot and holler for them.

Besides, some of the crew are younger guys and they are not full of themselves. They will talk to you and not give you crappy looks when you aren't paying attention to stuff in the pits and they need to get through with their golf carts.

That's why small teams are cool, I think.

This is Danica Hospenthal in her speed racer.

This is Danica Hospenthal and her boss, Mike Andretti.

A couple of days ago, Danica Hospenthal and her other boss, her husband Paul, were jogging on the road course. It was filmed and broadcast on the big screens all over the track.

The poor girl never has any privacy. It's no wonder she sometimes gets a little snippy.

Here are some more pictures of some AGR rigs.




This is the Vision Team car of Ed Carpantier.

If you look closely, you'll see that not only is it pointed in the wrong direction, but it is also fitted with all-terrain snow tires.

I don't know what's going on with the Vision Team, but something ain't right.

Going in the wrong direction at Indy would be a recipe for disaster, and snow tires really aren't necessary at Indy in the month of May.

That chit-chat I told you I was going to have with Tony George is looming in the near future, I think.

This is a series of pictures in quick succession right in a row one right after the other boom boom boom of Panther Racing's Kosuke Matsuura!

...and here is Kosuke Matsuura engaging in dangerous horseplay!

I bet Kosuke hopes he crosses those bricks first on race day in his racer, but if he doesn't quit Effing around he may never make it to race day.

Please be more careful Kosuke. I imagine your bosses at Panasonic would be none too pleased that you are risking your neck by goofing off like you are.

In fact, if you insist in carrying on like this, I'm guessing Panasonic will start giving some serious thought to firing you.


Here's the other Panther car driven by Vitor Meira.

One of the reasons I like Vitor is because he has an appreciation for the history of Indy.

I heard Vitor bought a huge poster of Bill Vukovich looking worn out and tired and forlorn after winning at Indy back a long time ago when it was a really difficult physical thing to do.

Nowadays, when our modern racing heroes win Indy, their hair is hardly messed up and they look like they would still have the strength to run a marathon.

Therefore, it is way cool that Vitor knows what Indy means and that winning at Indy used to be a real grinder.

Pretty much.

Photographer unknown

Here is the required Penske photo.

This is Darren Manning. He drives for AJ Foyt Enterprises and is Little Al's team mate.

Manning pulled a fast lap of 223mph. Nice job. Now they need to get Al up to speed because he only managed 218mph.

That's not going to cut it in real Indy racing.

I'm sure AJ knows this and will take care of business shortly.

These are race car parts.

You know you have issues if you take pictures of springs and shocks and suspension parts!

I must close out this blog thing for this evening because I am having breakfast with Roger Penske tomorrow morning. We will be discussing various aspects of real open wheel Indy racing and how we can make it more better.

I will be doing most of the talking. Roger will be doing most of the listening.

That is the way it should be.


Good night, race fans.

May 11, 2007

Satan came to visit today at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, and he defiled the sacred bricks. He and his cohorts arrived disguised as a hard rock band called Spittle, or Drool, or Expectorant, or something like that.

I have all their 8-Track tapes.


These guys are true racing fans, I bet.


Lone Star JR took their lead crooner for a 120mph spin around the track in the pace car.

I told JR he should have hit the wall in turn two just so we wouldn't have to look at these posers anymore.

JR readily agreed that my suggestion was a good one, and that real open wheel Indy fans shouldn't have to suffer through the likes of such human debris while attending Fast Friday activities.

Lots of hard rock and heavy metal guys like to act like they're all tough and stuff. They put on airs as if they are brawlers and will kick your butt just for sport, or something.

I don't think they're as bad-ass as they think they are. Here's the singer cringing and wincing like a little girl as a fast and shiny Indy racer blows by him at speed.

His name is Josie. How appropriate. He is a pussy


And another thing....

If we're going to have ceremonial guest green flag waver people, can we get someone who doesn't wave the flag like a totally bored and disinterested construction zone worker?

I mean, if I was up there on that platform, I'd be going all Pat Vidan with that flag.

When I was a kid, I used to practice and wave the flag sometimes when we had bike races and stuff. I got very good at it too. I got so wild that the flag would shred to pieces after a few races.

I think Tony George should let me wave the green on one of the practice days.

I would be a crowd pleaser because I know how to be a showman and get excited about important stuff.

Pretty much.

Not long ago, somebody somewhere on the intardnets suggested I should take more pictures of pretty girls.

I have shot pictures of just about everything else at every conceivable angle, so I decided to try to find something else a little different and interesting to photograph.

These two are certainly different and interesting.

They are trying to sell more tekillya by showing more skin.

I don't drink tekillya. It makes me do stupid stuff and makes me think I'm handsome and bulletproof.

If I drank tekillya, I'd probably buy it from these two.

Here are two gratuitous shots of Harleys.

I figure Harley pictures are always cool, and there are always cool Harleys at the track.

If you don't like Harley pictures, you should probably tell me. That way I'll know we can't be friends anymore.


Now on to the real open wheel Indy racing portion of the program...

I told you earlier how John Herb made a wrong mistake at Indy this week.

He destroyed his racer in an intimate encounter with Indy's wall. I asked a crew guy if they could fix it. He said they would use it for parts, and that they had another car standing by.

This is that car.

Congrats to the Racing Professionals Team for getting a rig ready for Mr. Herb in time for qualies!

Nice job!

The Playa Del entry piloted by Jack Lazier...

I had breakfast this morning with Roger Penske and Rick Mears and Helio Castroneves and Sam Hornish and Ryan Briscoe.

I asked Roger how many ribs he fractured from laughter when that other American open wheel racing series said they'd race at Indy if they could get his setups.

I was forcefully led from the premises by several of Roger's bodyguards soon thereafter.

I guess serious professional and real Indy open wheel racers sometimes don't have a sense of humor.

Or something...

This is Jeff Simmons from the Rahal/Letterman team.

This is Jeff chit-chatting with a real intardwebs legend.

More from Chastain Motorsports...

Steve Gregory...

Keep at it guys! We are watching and wishing you well and I promise I'm not stalking you or anything!

I'm just a harmless dork real open wheel Indy racing fan with a Kodak Instamatic and world wide intardnet access and a silver badge and parking privileges...

...and beer.

Dream girl...

Good night, race fans!

May 12, 2007

Today was pole day at Indy. I carried on a recent tradition by malingering in my duties as your unofficial real open wheel racing blogger by taking my two lads to the speed palace.

I am a good dad.

You may remember that I did the same thing last year. I also told you at that time that, even though I am a man of peace... like Gandhi or Mandela, I would not hesitate to mess you up if you stalked or tried to kidnap my kids now that you know what they look like.

Now that I've made myself perfectly clear on this issue, I will not discuss it with you people further.

Now on to other racing related matters...


This is something I never really noticed before or thought to comment upon. I will remedy that situation now.

This is what is called the Miller Lite Party Deck.

It is situated in what was once the turn 4 infield before the evil influence of Formula One and Bernie came about.

Anyhoo...if you look closely, you will see that the Miller Lite Party Deck is sitting on top of the Turn 4 crappers! Maybe.

I don't know about you, but I have little to no interest in partying and drinking cold beers on the roof of a glorified reinforced concrete block outhouse....even at Indy!

Even though I enjoy the consumption of many many cold beers, and I don't mind improvising and adapting in order to do so, I will not now, nor will I ever, attend a drinking event on the roof of a public toilet.

It wouldn't be prudent.


This is a sorta cool picture I took of Scott Dixon's racer just before he went out to qualify.

The pits were very full of Danica fans and other people who really had no business in the pits at Indy on pole day. They were just standing and gawking and getting in the way of the serious business of real and fast open wheel Indy racing qualifying.

I did not want to be one of those glommers, so I took one quick tour of the pits, snappped a few pictures, and then I departed the pits for the day.

I know what Indy means.

Indy doesn't mean being a nuisance.

Pretty much.

Here are two pictures I took. I hope you enjoy them.

Darren Manning prepares for qualifying...

Vitor Meira's fan club...

This is a high priority super top secret spy photo I took.

This is the racing unit of PJ Jones and the Leader team. They have tried to make it look like Parnelli's turban car! It is cool too, in case you didn't know and had to be reminded.

I never really understood why they called it a turban car anyways.

The Urban Dictionary defines turban like this:


A totally pimpin’ type of hat. It’s made of long strips of fabric wrapped around the head, and (is) sometimes adorned with gold and stuff. Turbans have recently become taboo because of US government sponsored racial profiling of Arabs.
I am sorry.

I do not see the connection with the above definition and the racer of Rufus Jones from way back in olden times of Indy.

If there's somebody out there who could explain things for me about all this, I would appreciate it.


May 13, 2007

A question from an IndyCar fan:


I respect your opinion on lots of stuff. What do you think of the red blinker lights at the back of the cars this year? Whatever you think of them, that will be my opinion, too.

Dear Sir:

Thank you for writing in. I am sorry I haven't replied until now, but I have been extremely busy blogging and stuff in an effort to bring you and your real racing friends the best in Indy coverage.

Regarding the tail lights which are now standard equipment on all shiny and fast open wheel Indy racers....

I am sorta conflicted and junk. I mean, what's next? Turn signals and windshield wipers?

I bet Jim Hurtubise never had tail lights on any of his race cars.

F1 and ChampCar have had tail lights for a while, and I'd hate to think the IndyCar Series has them now just because we think they are bitchin' and groovy and set us apart and now we are different just like everybody else.

It's sorta like the neon undercarriage or windshield wiper squirter illumination kits you see on rice-burners or tuners...kinda goofy and silly and not really my bag.

You feelin' me?

On the other hand, if a high-tech LED tail light will prevent a heinous rear-end collision or another Paul Tracy from passing under the yellow, then it's a good thing.

So, in conclusion, I would have to say as a safety feature, tail lights are probably a good and prudent thing to have on a real open wheel Indy racer.

Feel free to form your own opinion.

I will answer any and all questions here, as long as I have the strength.

Today was Mothers Day at Indy, but, before I get to all that, I have to hurry up and post these top secret spy images I took of the Commemorative Rufus Jones Turban Leader Team Car!

I just heard David Donaldson say that hardly anybody has seen it yet, and I know how important it is to scoop everybody else reporting on real Indy racing in the newspapers and on the intardwebs, so that's why I'm in such a rush.


Like I was was Mothers Day, and I carried on a tradition by saying to the mother of my children, "Happy Mothers Day! I love you. I gotta go to the track now!"

Then, after the track closed, I went over to see my mom and I said, "Happy Mothers Day. I love you. I gotta go home now because I am suffering from track buzz!"

(Track buzz is that feeling one gets after being at the track in the blazing sun while walking several miles and drinking many cold beers and hearing the ear-splitting roar of finely tuned racing mills all day.)

Needless to say, I am a bad husband and son. was Mothers Day and Womens Day and Family Day at the track too.


Laura Steele, a broadcasting legend, interviewed Sarah Fisher's mom Reba, and also Lynn St. James was there too! It was a cool interview.

Ms. Steele asked Reba how she liked the two-seater ride she took a while back with Sarah driving. Reba said it was like the shampoo commercial on TV where the girl in the shower washing her hair is all climaxic and goes, "Oh oh oh oh...!"

I take from all this that Reba Fisher sorta enjoyed the ride. I also deduce from this that Mrs. Fisher is a sport. I think I would like to enjoy a cold beer with her sometime...providing I had Mr. Fisher's approval, of course.

Lynn St. James offered many motivating words of encouragement to today's youth and girls about racing and life in general.

She talked about how cool it was to drive racers because nobody judges you on your looks since nobody can see your appearance when you are all suited up in safety gear.

Then, things took an ugly turn when Lynn St. James talked about noted NASCAR driver Kurt Busch and how he "got his ears pinned back" by having some plastic surgery to improve his appearance.

I don't think that kind of comment is really necessary, Lynn.

It was mean.

Don't hate.

This is a racer from olden times. It was driven by a woman, so that makes it appropriate for today's discussion.

The woman racer who drove this sled was Janet Guthrie.

I sorta met her once at an Old Timer's banquet I got to go to because I have a cool friend who is a seething-with-rage ChampCar fan with connections and he needed a date. Maybe.

The Old Timer's are a club of cool, older people who have been around Indy for a long long time. They have done many good things over years to help make us all aware of what Indy means.

I salute the Old Timer's!

I also salute Janet Guthrie. She is a classy lady and not full of rage like some other drivers I could mention.

This is something groovy I saw in the infield today.

It is a Lincoln Continental. It is cool too. I believe it is of the 1966 year of manufacture. I could be wrong on the year, but I'm too lazy to Google it for you.

Back in the olden times, real Indy racing fans used to take a rig like this to the Snake Pit. There, they would lop the roof off it with a hack saw and make it an infield expedient convertible.

After the race, and after consuming massive quantities of cold beer, marijuana, and Quaaludes, the above mentioned vehicle would be set alight and allowed to burn to the ground in a hellish conflagration as a sort of viking funeral tribute to all Indy racing heroes.

Yes. Those were the good old days!

Today, it would be considered criminal to destroy such a classic car, because it is far too valuable to sacrifice to the gods of real open wheel Indy racing.

Today, if one was inclined to hold a post-race vehicular bar-b-cue, one should choose a more proper a Honda Element.

That's what I think.

The next cool thing I saw today was this in the grandstands.

This is a custom, hand fabricated, Indy racing open wheeled Radio Flyer Wagon, complete with real-world modifications like independent rear suspension, nitrous injection, close ratio five speed gearbox, rack 'n' pinion steering, and supplemental cold beer carrying device!

And, it has a rear wing to help keep that squirrelly ass-end planted to the pavement at high speeds!

What kid wouldn't kill to have something like this?

May 14, 2007

Wow! It has been a while since I showed you people an updated spy map of all the folks who are clicking on my blog. Consider yourself updated now.

These satellite images indicate to me that advertising works!

If you look closely, you will see that China has clicked.
China frightens me.

This is a closeup view of our European brothers who have decided it may be interesting to look at funny fotos and read light hearted real Indy racing banter.

I will now interpret and dissect the above map.

1- England/Great Britain has finally arrived on the scene. You all know by now how I feel about our Brit cousins. I don't think I need to repeat myself about them. Thanks for stopping by, my friends. I tip a New Castle Brownie in your honour, mates.

2- France, which is the birthplace of Frenchman and IndyCar legend Steve Gregory, made an appearance. Hello, my Franco buddies!

3- Spain has taken a peak at my silliness as well. Even though we accused them of blowing up one of our boats in Cuba a long time ago and we decided we needed to have a war with them based upon flimsy evidence (sounds somewhat familiar, maybe, doesn't it?), we don't hold a grudge anymore. I, for one, am happy to call Spain and all Spaniards my friends. Peace through racing!

4- Netherlands took time out from their busy partying schedule to click also.

They have a lot of dikes in this part of the world. Dikes hold back water, and are often repaired by jamming various human body parts into leaking holes and crevasses.

I hear Amsterdam is the world headquarters for legal and outta-hand debauchery and unlimited ingestion of exotic intoxicants! I would like to visit Amsterdam sometime.

Way back during the unpleasantness during the 1940's, we and the Brits and a few Poles tried to save the Netherlands from angry Germans. This fact is documented in the movie A Bridge Too Far. That was good cinema!

Anyhoo...we decided we couldn't really help the Netherlands with their German problems because the Germans weren't cooperating, so we kinda destroyed the Netherlands as we departed.

I bet the Nederlanders don't think we were being very helpful. That's what I think.

I hope you don't still hold a grudge, Netherlands, and thanks for clicking on my real Indy racing blog thing.

5- Belgium! Hello Belgiumites! It is nice to see you. Belgium is famous for many things....Brussels sprouts, chocolate, the AC/DC song Bedlam In Belgium, and as a shortcut for angry Germans who want to holiday in France.

Belgium has dikes too.

I was in Belgium once, but not for long. It was Antwerp, in the middle of the night, and just long enough to refuel our plane. It was thunder storming, and I thought our plane was going to crash during takeoff!

Don't worry, Belgium. I don't hold a grudge. I think we can still be fast friends.

6- Sweden has checked in, even though they normally don't care one way or another about much of anything unless you mess with them directly.

Sweden has lots of snow and guys named Bjorn.

Sweden is cool because they make good chocolate and jet fighters. I am a big fan of both, therefore, Sweden will always be AOK in my book.

I thank all my Swede fans for stopping by.

7- Estonia is a cool place too, I bet. I say this because they have made it a point to read and hopefully be entertained by my hard work here on the intardwebs.

Estonia used to be part of what was call the Soviet Bloc, I think. The Russians were passing through during the 40's on their way to Berlin and decided to stay a while because they liked it so much.

Who could blame the Russians? I hear Estonian women are very attractive.

Anyhoo...the Russians overstayed their welcome, and the Estonians threw the bums out a few years later.

Estonia's largest inland body of water is Lake Pepsi. Now you know where the delicious soft drink comes from!

Thanks for everything, Estonia!

May 15, 2007

Hello again! The track has been closed the last two days so that the crack environmental crew at IMS can clean up the mess of beer bottles and other effluvia left behind by piggish and real open wheel Indy racing fans.

I needed a little break anyway. I was almost starting to get burnt out on real Indy racing.


This downturn in activity has allowed me to mow the grass, weed the garden, and generally catch up on all duties pertaining to home ownership and fatherhood.

I've also written a couple of letters of apology!


Here is the latest in spy satellite technology imaging from outer space and stuff. We have some new visitors too!

1- Czech Republic, Praha, Hlavni Mesto Praha...that means Prague, in the Czech Republic, in case you didn't know. I hear Prague is a beautiful city, especially this time of year.

Welcome Prague!

During World War 2, we accidentally bombed them when we mistook them for Dresden. Sorry about all that, Prague. Way to go, AirForce!

Then, a little later on in 1968, Prague decided they didn't care for some stuff the Russians were doing, so the brave folks in Prague got all uppity. Soviet tanks quieted things down a little, but then the Berlin Wall fell down from lack of maintenance, and the surly Russians and their tanks went home for good. Bad, bad Russians!

2- Norway, Brusdal, More og Romsdal...I'm not sure what all that means, as I don't speak Norwaygian, but a big howdy-do from the US!

Norway is famous for its fiords and the parrots which pine for them!

A fiord is like a sneaky and secret hidden narrow river which flows between mountains near the ocean.

Angry Germans used to park their battleships there, without permission, back in the old days. The surly Germans thought the Brits would never think to look in the fiords for a big boat. Boy, were the Krauts ever surprised and wrong when some Lancasters showed up!

3- Brazil, Paulo, Maranhao....I think this is Portuguese for Sao Paulo, Brazil. They speak Portuguese in Brazil, not Brazilian. I thought you should know that.

I have an affinity for Brazil. I will tell you why now.

They have created many good race car drivers...too many to list here now. I suggest Google for further info.

Way back when I was a kid, my older and cool and hippy sister had my mom and dad do the exchange student thing. Our exchange student who lived with us was named Joe Gomez. He was from Sao Paulo, and he was cool too! I bet he thought my family was weird, but he never said so because he was a good and polite guest.

Brazilians are cool and fun loving and are rabid racing fans, and I am happy to call them my friends.

4- Germany. Germany used to be frightening, but not so much any more once we got them settled in to a more normal way of looking at things.

Willkommen, meine Freunden! I've forgotten most of the German I learned a long time ago, apparently.

There used to be two Germanys, but I guess they thought that was being silly and imprudent, so they made it into one big single Germany to tidy things up a bit.

Germany is cool because of Porches, Mercedes, Tiger tanks, Messerschmidts, and their beers!

Germans don't mess around and are efficient in everything they do. I'm kinda surprised, but happy, that the good folks in Deutschland have taken the time from their busy day to click on my foolishness.

5- New Zealand! Oh boy! The party can start now! It's about time the Kiwis showed up!

New Zealand is part of the UK, but they are like Australia's little rowdy brother, or something.

We Americans should never enter a drinking contest with a Kiwi either. Kiwis are consummate professionals, while we Yanks are rank amateurs at the fine art of swilling booze.

It would be a waste of time and effort to try to out drink a Kiwi.

That's what I think.

May 16, 2007

It was cold and windy at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway today. Conditions were not at all conducive to drinking cold beers and looking at pretty ladies.

I drank some cold beers anyway, because a real Indy open wheel racer is always prepared for any conditions and adjusts and doesn't whine about the weather much.

I also met up with my very old and cool older sister who just turned 50 and is a hippy, while at the same time, is a wealthy conservative with a palatial mansion in an exclusive gated community.

She is a walking contradiction. Pretty much.

We discussed many real open wheel Indy racing subjects, and I dazzled her with my vast knowledge of this year's 500 Mile Sweepstakes Speed Contest and its participants.

She nodded in total agreement to every word which spilled from my filthy mouth!

Boy, do I ever have her fooled.

My old sister is very gullible. Sorta.

Here are some school children who I caught in the act of desecrating the sacred bricks.

I don't know what they teach in schools these days, but it is apparent to me that they don't teach discipline and self-control anymore.

These crumb-crunchers were loitering and wallowing around on my bricks and probably left behind lots of flotsam and jetsam and boogers and hurl for the crack IMS Environmental Crew to clean up.

If I was in charge, I would have made these little brats do push-ups until their butts were sucking buttermilk!

That's what I would've done.

Here is AJ Foyt IV suiting up for a run.

He and the rest of the Vision Team platooned, or convoyed, today. They played follow the leader and drafted each other and were fun to watch.

I bet Tony George ordered all his drivers to get out on the track and do something for us fans, because he doesn't want all of us to sit around with no shiny and fast racers to watch.

That's why all the Vision guys were out today, even if it was windy and cold.

Tony George knows how we are. Tony knows we get restless and hyper and will get into mischief if we aren't entertained.

And we need to be entertained...

This is Ryan Briscoe chatting with a fan or his Mum, or somebody. I don't know who the lady is, and it would be impossible to Google for that information, I think.

If you look closely, you can see Helio Castroneves in the background. I bet Helio is eavesdropping or spying on Ryan and the lady.

Whatever is going on, you can be sure Helio is up to no good. I bet he sabotaged Ryan's racer or put red pepper in Ryan's undercrackers this morning, and is standing a short distance away so he can watch his fellow driver's discomfort and surprise.

Helio should stick to what he is good at...winning at Indy, because he is not good at being a sneak.

A true sneak doesn't get caught red-handed by a dork race fan with a Kodak Instamatic and intardnet access.

That's what I think.

Here's a couple of pictures of Jimmy Kite and his PDM racing machine.

Last year, this rig was driven by Indy legend Thadeus Medieros. Thadeus made a couple of wrong mistakes at Indy last year, so he was fired and replaced by Jimmy Kite.

This sled would take on drastic changes in its appearance later on today, because Jimmy also made a wrong mistake at Indy. Maybe.

Jimmy entered turn one a little low, I think, and the rear end swapped around, and the once shiny racer careened violently out of control and smashed into the wall with a great shattering of carbon fiber and expensive left side suspension components!

Luckily, Jimmy Kite was OK.

I asked one of the PDM crew dudes a little later on in the day if the car was fixable. He said yes, and that fact made me happy.

Good luck Jimmy and PDM!

Here are many cool pictures of the Commemorative Rufus Jones Turban Leader Team Car!

It is bad-ass and very much so that all the real and cool and bestest photographers were crowding around it and making it almost impossible for me to get a peek at it.

I yelled "INCOMING!" really loud, and the other real photographers hit the deck or jumped outta the way so I could bring you the more better picture coverage you see below now.

PJ Jones looks just like his old man, and they both look like they could kick the butts of anyone else in the paddock!

Rufus was there watching his boy drive the Commemorative Rufus Jones Turban Leader Team Car, and I bet he got emotional and stuff too.

Thing is, you will never see an Indy legend like Parnelli cry or act like a girl. Parnelli would choke a person out before he openly wept about anything, I bet.

Rufus was supposed to be the official ceremonial green flag waver dude today, I think, but, he never showed up!


Who's gonna tell him he was late or that he Effed up? Certainly not me.

I would not like to be choked out...not even by an Indy legend.

Panther Racing had a third car just sitting around in an old tent at Camp Snoopy getting dusty, so they asked John Andretti if he wanted to race it in the Indy 500.

John is a NASCAR hotshoe, but his heart is really at Indy in May because he knows what Indy means and because it's in his genetics, or something.

Anyhoo... John Andretti said yes to this unrefusable offer, but before he would drive the car he said Vitor Meira had to go out and make sure it didn't shake and shimmy or leak tranny fluid all over the road at 220mph.

So, Vitor flogged John Andretti's car today, and here is some photographic evidence of that.


I bet it makes Vitor mad that he has to do all the dirty work for John Andretti.

That's what I think.

This is a dramatic and intimate close-up shot of the Citgo car of Milk 'n' Donuts.

I heard on the AM radio that she is very unhappy with the car's performance since she stuffed it in the wall last week and her team kinda fix it.

I say kinda because I heard she said that the car really isn't quite fixed totally yet, and that's why she was very slow on Wednesday.

I guess that's why she also got the drive it or get out of it flag from Pat Vidan, or whoever the official starter flag guy is, several times too.

The above may or may not be true. Who's to say for sure? Certainly not me.

I think I'll go ahead and let Milka have the car she said I could drive. She and the team seem to be struggling a little, and I may be running outta time to get my sled up to speed.

Maybe next year.

I have faith that the Citgo fellows will get things sorted out in short order.

Go Citgo Team!

The following is an edited editorial comment.

I have heard, here and on the intardwebs and elsewhere, that there might be a person or two who take exception to my use of clever nicknames for people and things.

Apparently my use of the terms Milk 'n' Donuts and Steve Gregory has caused an uncomfortable binding and relocating of intimate undergarments on one or two of my readers.

This is an unfortunate turn of events, I think, and I will tell you why now.

Anybody who knows me and is familiar with my style knows the respect I have for all real open wheel Indy racers and the Indy 500, and I have made this abundantly clear on numerous occasions...too many to list here now.

But, you may remember when I said this a long time ago the last time a person got mad about my use of clever nicknames for people:


Laugh, or don't laugh, whenever you want. It don't bother me none. It's a free country.

I have a cousin named Stewart. He went to William and Mary. He is a lawyer now. He is cool too. Sometimes, many times, we in my family call him StewRat because we love him and enjoy his company and we like to give nicknames to people who are a joy to have in our lives.

So, therefore, you know if I've given you groovy nickname it's because I like you and I think you're cool and a good dude and I'd like to have a beer with you sometime....not because I hate you or want to troll you.

I bet there's some people here who have never been given a cool nickname by people who know them.

That's what I think.
I hope this clears thing up for you all now.

If not, I feel sorry for you.

My work is what is known as satire. Maybe some folks should Google that term, or something.

I am not inclined to edit for content, except maybe for dumb spelling and syntax errors.

I do not work for anyone here, at IMS, the IRL, or any specific real open wheel Indy racing team.

I do this for free. Besides... who the heck would be dumb enough to pay me for this?

I will not discuss this topic with you people further. I think you know where I stand.

Thank you.

May 17, 2007

It was another cold and blustery day at the Speed Palace. Some bad and painful and expensive things happened, and I saw it all.

I was sitting in the inside bleachers between one and two. It was extremely windy at that point in the day as I watched the Chastain rig of Stephan Gregoire come through one cleanly. Then, in the chute, he lost the ass-end, probably because of a wind gust.

I yelled, "Oh crap!"

Except I didn't say crap.

A rear-end impact, which didn’t really seem severe, and the car slid down the track all the way to turn two.


Initial reports said Gregoire was OK but got out of his battered racer complaining of back pain. They took him to Methodist Hospital and told us later that he had a fractured vertebrae.

Here’s hoping for a speedy recovery for this brave Indy racer. I bet Gregoire won’t be able to race at Indy this year now.

I don’t know if Chastain can fix the car or whether they have another one available.

I don’t think the Panoz is suitable for Indy. They are slower than pond water and handle like a tub of excrement, apparently.

Another bad Panoz I saw today was the Playa Del entry of rookie Phil Giebler. He ran a few laps late today, then I noticed his engine started sounding Eff’d up….like maybe he had a broken exhaust header, or something. He pulled it in soon after I noticed his racing mill started going sour.

Jack Lazier drives a Panoz too. I bet he feels lucky he hasn’t been snake bit yet.

Run, Jack! Run as fast as you can away from that beast!

Here is the Panoz of PDM which Jimmy Kite trashed yesterday. If you look closely, you will see the ace mechanics of PDM happily going about the business of repairing their shattered racing unit.

They have a lot of experience fixing wrecked Panozes, so I expect this one will be back on track in no time at all.


John Andretti showed up today to drive his real open wheel Indy racing machine after letting Vitor Meira take all the risks and get all the glory and hot chicks yesterday by taking an unproven car and making sure no wrong mistakes would be made with it later on...

Here is a dramatic close up shot of John in his car.

John Andretti is a local Indy boy who went to Ritter Catholic High school nearby.

Long ago way back in olden times I dated a redhead from Ritter High School. She was a fun date, but I will not discuss this issue with you people further because it wouldn't be prudent or proper.

Besides, my wife/boss, who isn't the same fun redhead from Ritter High School I mentioned above, sometimes reads these blogs.

I think you understand.


Here is the Beck Motorsports/Curb Records entry.

I'm not sure who is going to drive this sled, but whoever it is they are lucky because this racer is shiny and black and evil looking and probably fast too!

It's not a Panoz either, a fact which is always a more better thing to consider.

Here we see Target hotshoe Scott Dixon signing a plethora of Indy related junk for today's eager and enthusiastic and impressionable youth.

Sometimes, when I'm walking through the pits acting like a bigshot, I hear little youths on the other side of the fence asking each other who I am and if I am truly as big of a shot as I appear to be.

I am hoping one of them will work up the nerve to ask me for an autograph, because when/if it happens, I will be able to relive a historic and real open wheel Indy racing moment.

I will recount for you now that moment.

Way back in the 1960's, my old man was a reporter/photographer for the big daily newspaper here. He also stooged for Bobby Unser and the Vita-Fresh team. How Dad managed to do both of these unrelated activities at the same time and not get fired from the newspaper, I'll never know!

(Stooged means you hang out with a real Indy racing team and do stuff for no pay like fetch tires and motor oil and cold beer for them. Usually, you have to be really cool and know how to keep your mouth shut about secret and unsavory activities to be a stooge for a race team.)

Anyhoo...One fine May practice day after the track was closed, Dad was back in the old wooden garage area, horsing around and having cold beers with his racin' buddies. Back then, a chain link fence butted right up against the garage doors, and it was a place where many enthusiastic fans would gather to get autographs.

Apparently, one youth mistook my crew-cut haired dad for a real open wheel Indy racing driver.

This youth asked my dad for an autograph.

My father readily agreed to the youth's request, and signed Walter Zoomie on a scrap of paper, or something!

Yes. My dad was cool.

Now you know more than you ever thought you would know.


I can't help but think that somewhere out there is a middle aged or older man who has a treasured scrap of paper in his autograph collection with the now infamous name Walter Zoomie on it!

I would like to sign a youth's real Indy racing item in the same manner, but it would not make me as cool as my dad.

That's what I think.

This is something I hope gets remedied very soon. I saw this in front of the PJ Jones garage.

I had hoped that we were through with distasteful sponsors at Indy.

This is an Effen family program, and I don't think we need Effen vodka advertised on our Effen ethanol fuel tanks at Effen Indy during the Effen month of Effen May.

Effen sorta.

This is Roger Yasukawa as he prepares for a test run at Indy today.

I really don't have anything smart to say either. I just thought it was a kinda cool picture.


Here is an improper delivery being made in the garage area.

There is no reason on God's green earth why I should see something like this in the Garage Area or on Gasoline Alley.

Frilly checkered flag draped wicker gift baskets full of tasty treats and other girlie crap should be banned from the race track.



I bet if Bill Vukovich ever saw something like this in his day, he would choke a fool out.

If you look at the picture closely, you can see 4-time Indy winner Rick Mears.

I bet Rick Mears shakes his head, rolls his eyes, and sheds a quiet tear at these horrific moments.

Don't you?

This is an improper motor vehicle I saw today in the parking lot.

We will all be driving something hideous like this if gasoline prices keep rising.

I would rather ride a mule.

I may not have a choice.

May 18, 2007

Right about now would be a good time to update you on my super secret spy satellite surveillance program and the related history and geography lessons which normally follow.

We have a couple of new guests clicking on my foolishness here on the intardwebs!

1- Italy! Hello from the US! Italy is cool because it is shaped like a boot and they have Ferraris and Lamborghinis and the Monza race track and great wine and chow!

I like to drink wine from time to time also.

They have the Pope too.

Italy has also produced many cool and great racing drivers...too many to list here now.

Italians are kinda mellow normally and would prefer to drink lots of wine and talk with their large families rather than fight in wars and stuff.

One time though, they kinda followed a dumb leader for a while in the 1940's. Their dumb Italian leader followed pretty much what a dumb surly German leader wanted to do, and together they started all kinds of trouble.

It wasn't long before the regular Italian folks decided they would rather have some wine and some tasty pasta based foods rather than fight and get hurt in a dumb war they never really wanted anyway.

So, the regular normal Italians got together and found their dumb leader and his old lady and strung them up outside a gas station or something.

Serves the dumb leader and his old lady right...the big dopes!

Italians are ultra cool people unless you mess with their laid-back lifestyle.

Who can blame them? I get mad when somebody tries to cramp my buzz too!

2- Switzerland! Wie geht es Ihnen?

The Swiss folks are like a mixture of France, Germany, and Italy. They are cool because they have snowy mountains where they ski a lot. They make good watches and chocolate and cheese. They have a lot of banks and ATMs too, I bet.

Switzerland is surrounded on all sides by goofy and sometimes surly neighbors who can't always get along.

The Swiss have tried, really hard, to stay out of dumb fights which many of their silly neighbors start. They probably figure they have the most to lose since they have so much cool stuff that they don't want blown up or stolen.

So, whenever a war starts around them, the Swiss take their weapons and go up into their mountains to their redoubts, where they chill out and wait for everybody else to kill each other.

Redoubt is defined thusly:

1. A small, often temporary defensive fortification.
2. A reinforcing earthwork or breastwork within a permanent rampart.
3. A protected place of refuge or defense.

Once the noise dies down, the Swiss folks come out of their redoubts and make sure all their cool stuff is OK...

The Swiss are very clever.

That's why they click on my blog.


Weather conditions were much improved today at Indy. Blue and sunny skies were the norm, as was a cooler full of cold beers!

However, I ran into Grover while strolling in the pits, and things took an ugly turn. As is his habit at Indy, he gave me a good sound kicking, then relieved me of my beer.

He is a mean and hateful bully real open wheel Indy racing fan.

I think I will report him to my contacts at the IMS credentials office.

They will yank his silver badge.

Then, Grover will have to sit in his rusted F150 in the infield while he drinks stolen beer and he will not be able to rub elbows with our Indy racing heroes along pit lane.

I will laugh at Grover through the fence wire too if I see him.

That's what I'll do.

This is the #98 Beck/Curb car of Red Barron.

They just got the car, I think, so they haven't had a chance to paint it red and put twin Spandau machine guns and Iron Crosses on the side of it yet.

Right now they are more concerned with getting the car up to speed and making the field. They'll worry about the red paint and insignias and armaments later.


Here is the former IPS hotshoe and cookie/cracker magnate and current Playa Del rookie sensation Phil Keebler.

Phil did a helluva job today, posting good speeds and keeping his demon possessed Panoz from careening violently out of control at Indy.

Many kudos to Phil Keebler and the Playa crew for taming the savage Panoz beast at Indy! I think they are the only real open wheel Indy racers to do so.

Pretty much.

This is the hard working Playa Del crew getting busy on pit road with Jack Lazier.

If you look closely at this first action photo I took, you will see Jack roasting his Firestone Firehawk Indy Racing tires as he leaves his pit!

The smell of burning rubber at Indy is intoxicating. It is a most wonderful aroma....almost as good as the odor of burning ethanol which I mentioned earlier that I will market as a cologne and call Zoomie's Hawt Indy Nights.

Maybe I'll call my second perfume I invent which smells like burnt rubber Firestoned, or Burnout, or something....

This is another in my series of improper vehicles I've seen at Indy.

It is not cool too.

If you look closely, you will see it has a BMW badge on the front.

I have never seen a BMW look so ugly and silly and improper and imprudent. I find it hard to believe that the fine citizens of Germany would ever produce such a rolling fecal container.

I bet some jokester somewhere brought this rig back from a crappy third world country and glued a Beemer badge on it.

That's what I think is going on here.

May 19, 2007

A devoted and demented reader asks:

Dear Mr. Zoomie-

I was curious if you would consider this to be a proper and prudent vehicle?


Curious in Columbus

Dear Curious in Columbus:

Anything with a Lotus moniker will always be considered proper and cool by everyone, including this blogger. If there is somebody somewhere who doesn't agree with my above sentiment, they are wrong and need to be taken out back behind the grandstands and given a sound beating.


I have several reasons for this which I will divulge now:

1- Lotussesesesss are made in the UK. Anything made in the UK is cool beyond normal everyday belief, as I stated here last year.

2- Jim Clark drove Lotussesesesss. Anything Jim Clark ever touched is cool, so you now see the connection. I hope.

3- Lotussesesesss have raced and have won at Indianapolis. I don't think I need to expound on this particular point further. Do I?

Thank you very much for your question!

Today was '70s ThrowUp Day at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway.

I didn't do a lot of throwing up until the mid to late '80s, so I can't really relate to the 1970s hurling scene.

These are a bunch of old hippies celebrating '70s ThrowUp Day at IMS.

Aside from the old hippies, this photo is significant for something else even more eye-catching than horrific tie-dyed t-shirts.

If you look closely, you will see the most prettiest Yellow Shirt girl ever seen by human eyes anywhere!

She is a vision.

She works the entrance to pit lane at the Yard o' Bricks. I bet she gets hit on by all the drivers and crews numerous times in the course of her busy day.

Who could blame them for asking her out on a date, or something?

I would too, if I wasn't married and stuff.

This is a bug-eyed fireman/paramedic dude I saw today in the pits. You can tell he is celebrating '70s ThrowUp Day too!

I have no recollection of drywall installers being groovy or in during the '70s. Maybe my memory is failing in my old age, or something, but, apparently, drywallers juggling gaily colored mortar rounds in the '70s are something we are supposed to look back on with misty eyed fondness.

In fact, I would call the above moment in time I captured on film Extremely Hazardous and Dangerous Horseplay!

That's what I think.

These are shots of Roberto Moreno in the Chastain garage.

Roberto replaces Steve Gregory who hurt his back earlier this week in a heinous racing incident at Indy.

I saw Steve in the pits today and he is looking a little stiff but otherwise he seems to be getting around OK.

I am happy about that.

What I am not happy about is what I see in these photos.

If you look closely, you will see that Roberto Moreno is being forced, probably at gunpoint by his highly amused and taunting crew, to put the Anglicized version of his Brazilian name on his racing machine!

A derogatory nickname like Bobby More for a gentleman and racer such as Roberto Moreno is uncalled for and childish and boorish and insulting.

Team Chastain should be ashamed of themselves!

I'm mad!


This is the crack real open wheel Indy racing crew of PDM. They are using razor blades to cut off all the little rubber hairs on their brand new Firestone Indy 500 Firehawk racing tires!

I bet doing this cuts aerodynamic drag and gives them an extra 3 mph!

I've never seen this before...not even by the elite Penske team!

With minute attention to detail like this, there's no stopping PDM and Jimmy Kite!

Go get 'em, boys!

These are sorta cool pictures I took today of some old time Indy racers.

This is the racing unit Al Unser won his fourth Indy 500 with back in 1987. I was there that day too! That fact almost makes me cool. I probably threw up the night before the race that year!

This is a reasonable facsimile of the rig Bobby Unser almost won an Indy race with a long time ago in 1979. He abused his gearbox and it blew up so he didn't win.

The big dope!

Today, Parnelli Jones was the Honorary Green Flag Waver Guy. Rufus was supposed to do this earlier in the week, but I guess he couldn't be bothered.

He found time to do his duties today, but not until after he took his boy's Commemorative Rufus Jones Turban Leader Team Car out for a few laps.

Parnelli wore an open faced helmet and goggles and a driving uniform. He looked like he could still drive a modern and real open wheel Indy racer.

I bet Rufus could still kick the crap outta everyone in the paddock too!

This is Grover's truck which I saw in the infield today. This is where he drinks all the beer he steals.

It's cool because it looks kinda junky, but at the same time it looks evil and deadly...sorta like the Christine of vintage SUVs, or something.

Here are two images featuring the Curb Records/Red Barron racing machine.

I hope they have a good set of jack stands supporting that car while they are working underneath it, otherwise I bet OSHA would have some interest in seeing this first photo.

This is a dramatic and close-up view of the Red Barron's brain bucket.

Feel the drama!

These are some members of the Gordon Pipers. They are a cool Indy tradition dating back many years. They play bagpipes and drums and they rock too!

I wish they would play AC/DC's It's A Long Way To the Top If You Wanna Rock 'n' Roll.

That song has some kick-ass bagpipes in it also.

These Gordon Pipers are posing for a picture to send to a family member named Brad serving in our armed forces far from home in a hell hole like Iraq or Afghanistan.

They have a sense of humor too.

I say this because, if you look closely, you can see one of them holding up a cold beer.

Chances are, Brad is in a God-forsaken place where he can't have a cold beer.

There were many service members strolling the grounds of IMS today in preparation for Armed Forces Day. I shook the hands of and thanked many of them for what they are doing for all of us.

They probably thought I was a dork.

Who's to say they are wrong?

I went by the US Marine display area and had a Semper Fi, band-of-brothers, hand-shaking, back-slapping, swear word-sharing moment with them.

I told them they were killers. Twice.

They replied, "Every day!"

I asked them to please get some for me.

They promised they would.

Then, in their honor, I did 10 pull-ups on their portable pull-up bar.

I received a cool USMC t-shirt for my efforts which says, "Pain is weakness leaving the body."

Then, I staggered off somewhere quiet to die.


I don't know what the hell is going on here, but I know I don't like it!

I liken this kinda thing to carnies and circus clowns and drag queens and stuff.

What I don't understand frightens me, and what frightens me should be killed.


Why we must have refugees from the movie GoldFinger at Indy I'll never understand.

What's the connection?

Here we see one of the gilded freaks abusing a small boy. Note the terror in the young lad's demeanor.

Shortly after I took the above photo, I kicked the human sideshow in the throat fifty times.

Now there's a connection I can understand!

May 20, 2007

Today was Bubble Day at the track. Bubble Day means the field of 33 is full and if there are still cars remaining that want to get in the Indianapolis 500 Mile Sweepstakes Speed Contest, they must go faster than the slowest racer already qualified.

Jimmy Kite and his PDM Panoz got bumped out of the Indianapolis 500 Mile Sweepstakes Speed Contest on Bubble Day today. That's too bad because PDM had to thrash again like last year. I think they should shred that sled because it has been crashed at least three times in the last two years. It has a voodoo curse and it should be destroyed because it is slow and it kinda sucks.

That's what I think.

The Commemorative Rufus Jones Turban Leader Team Car driven by PJ Jones did not make the race either, and it is probably a good thing. This car is an uncontrollable and slow death trap! I sat outside turn one for a while and saw PJ nearly eat the wall one time! He got waaaaay high exiting the turn, got up into the marbles, and had to get out of the throttle entirely to avoid a heinous racing incident.

As the above scenario played out, I exclaimed loudly to no one in particular, "Uh-oh! He's gonna wall it!"

Those around me probably thought I was insane and uncool, but they had no idea who I was and that I was a knowledgeable real open wheel Indy racing insider who knows what to look for when a shiny and not-so-fast Indy racer like the Commemorative Rufus Jones Turban Leader Team Car goes through turn one.

The ace mechanics at Playa Del pulled an all-nighter to fix the shattered racer of cookie and cracker maven Phil Keebler, who made a wrong mistake at Indy yesterday while qualifying and drifted into the wall causing substantial damage.

Today, with his racing machine repaired, Phil used some of his elfin magic and went out and qualified for his first Indy 500!

Nice job Playa Del and Phil Keebler!

Another team who tamed the savage Panoz beast and thrashed to get into the race are the bad-asses at Chastain Motorsports!

They made a gutsy call and withdrew their slow and sucky qualifying time from yesterday and re-qualified at a much higher speed!

They did this in order to strengthen and protect their position on the grid, and because they knew they had a real open wheel Indy racing driver/legend like Bobby More behind the wheel!

Effen A! That was so cool. Congrats Team Chastain!

These are photos I took today of Ryan Briscoe. He is everybody's dark-horse victor for this year's Indy 500 Speed Classic.

Pretty much.

Sometimes I like to try to take a picture of something kinda freaky and weird and different. I tried to do this type of thing with this photo. I took this picture shooting through the spokes of a real open wheel Indy racing racing wheel and tire.

It didn't turn out quite the way I wanted, because the people in the background are too blurry to recognize.

Even if you look closely, you can't tell one of those people in the background is four-time winner Al Unser...but one of them really is!

I swear!


I am sorry this picture didn't turn out quite the way I expected and wanted and envisioned.

This picture illustrates the limitations of my Kodak Instamatic.


The following is a picture I took in the garage area. It is alarming too.

One often hears about negligent fathers who leave their kids locked in a hot car on a summer day while they visit with their friends in an exotic gentlemens club.

And, we all are familiar with the unfortunate times when bad mothers leave their children unattended in locked vehicles at the mall while shopping for the latest in Dolce & Gabbana fashions.

Well, I'm here to say that this is just as bad...even if it is Indy during May!

It is neither prudent nor humane to strap your infant in a cool real open wheel Indy racing car seat and abandon him or her in the garage area at Indy during a broiling Africa-hot day.

I tried to keep the little feller hydrated by pouring some cold beer down his parched throat, but he would have none of it.

One should never take an infant to Indy.

Get a baby sitter, or stay home.

That's what I think.

This next picture I took is top secret, so don't tell anyone.

This is a picture of what next year's cars will look like at Indy.

It is a new formula...what many would call a spec car. I don't know what either of those terms mean, but they sound cool and all racing insiderish, don't they?

I guess Tony George and Brian Barnhart decided things are getting just too darned expensive to race at Indy, so they decided these would be more better and cheaper and would allow many more teams and cars to enter the race.

Many more teams and cars to enter the race is exactly what Indy needs.


May 22, 2007

Now would be a good time to update you all on my clandestine spy satellite program imaging project.

No new surprises to report, unless you count the surprising number of people in North America who are wasting alarming amounts of time at work and at home viewing Indy 500-related intardweb foolishness.

I also see some of my cool family members in Alabama have visited several times! Maybe.

Hi family members!

They are probably glad that their mentally challenged cousin/nephew lives way far away in Indiana.

That's what I think.

Finally, however, the continent of Asia has checked in. Nice to see you Asia!

The country, to be specific, is Japan! Hello Japan!

Japan is cool because of the following reasons:

1- Cheap Trick went there and recorded a kick-ass album at Budokan, and the Japanese girls enjoyed the show and yelled a lot. I like enthusiasm.

2- They invent or improve lots of cool stuff, like Nintendo.

3- Ninjas. Nothing is more sneakier than a Ninja. I have a great appreciation for a good sneak.

4- Godzilla. What is more better than an overgrown, rubber skinned dinosaur who shoots flames out of his mouth and runs amok and tramples major metropolitan areas? I can't think of anything offhand, and neither could Blue Oyster Cult, apparently, because they did a really cool song about Godzilla.

Way back a long time ago, we didn't get along so well with Japan. They got kinda angry and surly and thought it would be a good idea to try to take over their little corner of the world.

We got mad at them too, so we quit sending them oil and scrap metal and other stuff they needed.

Next thing you know, a few Japanese military folks decided it would be a good idea to blow up a bunch of our boats in Hawaii...and they went ahead with their plan and did it too!

Well, we decided we didn't care for that kinda thing too much, so we had a nasty war with them.

The war lasted a few years, and we got tired of messing around and wasting lots of money and lives and time.

We couldn't convince the Japanese to quit fighting by normal means, so we pulled our trump card and vaporized a couple of their cities.

Some say this was an improper and imprudent and unfair way to wrap things up.

Still others say...they started it, or...war is hell, saved many lives on both sides in the long run, or...mess with the big dog and you're gonna get bit.

Feel free to form your own opinion on this historical matter.

All I know is, now we and Japan are fast friends, and we feel comfortable sharing food and drink and concerns about North Korea!

Bad, bad, North Korea!

I bet North Korea doesn't ever click on light hearted Indy racing related banter on the intardnet.

In fact, the normal everyday North Korean probably isn't even allowed to look at the intardnation superhighway.

Let freedom ring, or click, or surf, or something!


May 23, 2007

DavidM asks:


Is there a Color Key for your spy satellite program imaging project?

Inquiring minds want to know.


Dear DavidM:

Thank you for your question.

Yes. There is a color keyed explanation for the dots you see on my super sneaky satellite surveillance images.

I hope this clears things up for you.

Please do not tell anyone. This is top secret info I have just divulged to you.

If you are to be a real open wheel Indy racing fan, and, if you and I are to share many cold beers together in the future, you must know how to keep yer yap shut about delicate matters.

Otherwise, somebody like Curt Cavein or Robin Miller will get a hold of this sensitive intelligence, and, before you know it, it will be all over the intardwebs.

Thank you for your consideration.

Your Friend,

Walter Zoomie
Professional Sneak and Unofficial Real Indy Racing Insider

Today was Family Fun Day at the Indianapolis Speed Track.

There were many of the present generation's impressionable youth frolicking around the grounds and partaking in inflatable bouncy house thingies and skipping school and stuff.

With test scores as they are today, I'm not so sure it's a good idea to have kids ditching classes so they can wander around IMS and go to the bathroom every ten minutes and eat too much junk food and complain about being hot and thirsty all the time.

I bet it would be more prudent if they stayed in school and learned geography or history or the proper donning of condoms, or something. Maybe.

Anyhoo...I figured I'd make a short day of things since there were no shiny and fast real open wheel Indy racers orbiting the world's greatest race course.

The first thing I did was go see a guy with a certain real Indy race team. I gave him a CD of all the top secret spy pictures I took of his team during the month. He doesn't know it, but I still have the originals, so it's not like he's getting over on me or anything.

Then, I went out to the pits where I found many cool things to see.

This is the first thing I saw, and it is cooler than many things one normally sees in the course of a regular day too!

This is a real Indy racer from the olden times. If you look closely, you will see the original designer and builder of this type of racing machine.

His name is AJ Watson. He is an Indy legend, and he knows what Indy means.

This is a spine-tingling close up view of the finely tuned racing mill of Mr. Watson's roadster!

It has a basket of snakes on top of it, and snakes frighten me.

The fact that it has a basket of snakes on top of it leads me to believe that this racing power plant is a Ford double overhead camshaft V-8, because I've never seen a basket of snakes on top of an Offenhauser!

It would be silly to think an Offy would have or need a basket of snakes. Don't you agree?

However, since I see only four air intake horns, I thought this to be a four cylinder Offy engine. Maybe.

Then, I look closer and see the Ford nameplate, and what appears to be four more air intake horns underneath the bonnet!

I'm so confused! But, then again, I just pretend to know stuff about real Indy racing past and present.

I had no idea a Ford DOHC V-8 was ever dropped into a Watson roadster. Could this be a modern clone, or an impostor?

Who's to say?

I guess I'll wallow in my ignorance.

So, next I decide to apply an old scientific method I learned a long time ago from some cool teachers I had in school. That method is called compare and contrast!

I compared what I knew to be true and real Offenhauser racing engines to the motor I found in the sneaky Watson roadster.

And, voila, the contrast is stunning and revealing!

This is an Offy I saw in a cool Bardahl roadster...

And this is the Offy I discovered in an old racer originally designed specifically to compete on dirt surfaces...

Therefore, I conclude that my deduction of the Watson being powered by a Ford DOHC V-8 with a basket of snakes was correct!

I am amazing, bordering on spectacular.

That's what I think.

This next picture I took may be a little unnerving to some readers.

Some may say that having sterling silver pornography at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway is improper and imprudent and not at all in keeping with family values and atmosphere.

I would simply say, "Lighten up, Francis!"

I saw a couple of the SuperTeams practicing pit stops today as well. The following is what those pit stop practices looked like:

Dario Judd's crew...

The Penske Gang...

Roger's boys must have heard I was coming with my Kodak Instamatic today, because they removed all the freaky, hand-fabricated, real-world, custom modified rear wheel kick-ups on Helio's racer.

Apparently, the news of Indy spies with cameras has traveled far and fast.


Some of the Indy Pro Series machines were out of their wrappers today for technical inspection, or something. They will be practicing and qualifying tomorrow for the Freedom 100, which will be held on Carb Day, I think.

The Indy Pro Series is like the little brother to real open wheel Indy racing. Whenever one wants to become an Indy legend and get all the fame and fortune and pretty girls, one must first pay his dues with the Indy Pro Series.

There will be no deviation from this course of action either, I bet.

The Indy Pro Series is akin to the Busch Series in NASCAR, except the Indy Pro Series is real, open wheel Indy-style racing! That fact makes the Indy Pro Series exponentially more cooler than Busch racing.

That's what I think.

The racer of Teddy Pendergrass...

Johnny Klein's rig...

Steve Simpson's sled...

Jim Camaro's belly bumper...

With a name like Camaro, you know this guy is cool and will be fast!

Speaking of Camaros...this is the new Chevrolet Camaro which will come out later on, whenever GM gets to it, and will enable gray-haired baby boomers to get hawt chicks again!


If I had a choice, I'd rather have this Camaro! It is way more cooler and better. That's what I think.

May 24, 2007

Today was IPS practice and qualifying at IMS. IPS rigs are powered by Infinity V-8 engines which sound throaty and growly and a small block Chevy with duals and glasspacks.


This is Al Unser Trifecta. He has visions of winning multiple Indy 500s like his daddy and his grandpa and uncle, I bet.

Here are three photos I took today. These photos feature IPS hotshoe Joey "ScarFace" Scarallo. Joey is an Aussie who lives in New York, so I bet he's a tough guy.

Here, we see Joey muscling in on the pit entrance, with Steve Simpson sheepishly following behind!

I bet Joey said, "Say hello to my little friend!"

Or, maybe he exclaimed, "Well, you stupid duck! Look at you now!"

Either way, Steve Simpson was apparently intimidated enough to allow Joey to enter pit lane first.

This is Ken Grolsch. He won the pole for the Freedom 100 race, so, therefore, he is cool.

Ken Grolsch is also cool because he is named after a tasty Dutch beer which has a complicated system of metal levers and clips and pulleys one must use in order to uncork and enjoy the delicious beverage contained within.

Here is Lil' Johnny Klein being immature and irresponsible.

Because he is a thoughtless and selfish youth, he failed to fill up his fuel tank all the way, so he ran out of go juice.

That meant we all had to stop what we were doing so we could send a tow truck out to drag Lil' Johnny back to his pit.

That's OK, Johnny. Don't worry about it. We don't have anything better to do than watch you get dragged back to the pits. Take your time. We got all day.

This is Marc Williams. He is a Kiwi, and I hope you remember my warning about Kiwis. No American should ever engage in a drinking contest with a Kiwi. If Marc wins the Freedom 100, all Yanks should steer clear of this young man at the victory celebration!

Here we see Matt "The Jackal." He is a heartless racing assassin. He is a professional sneak, and he will get around his fellow competitors before they know what hit them. Maybe.

This is a shot of the racing machine of Bob "It's A Long Way" Tipperary. He drives for Sammy Hagar. I asked one of the crew dudes if Sammy was going to be in town for the races. Apparently, the Red Rocker would rather slam alarming quantities of his takillya in Mexico than come watch real open wheel racers at Indy.

Consequently, we must suffer through a Skid Block performance on Carb Day instead.

Bad, bad Sam.

These are many images, right in a row, of world famous soul singer Teddy Pendergrass and his race car!

He used to be with Harold Melvin & The Bluenotes, and he helped them on the song If You Don't Know Me By Now.

That song is so cool! It is smoky and sultry and sad and will make you openly weep.


Teddy decided to try something completely different, so now he's racing fast and shiny open wheel racing rigs at Indy.

A couple more IPS shots for your viewing pleasure...

Wade Cunningham's sled...

Sean Guthrie...

Some dramatic and kinda artsy phartsy stuff for you...

Looks like the Curb sled went to the paint booth...

A new toy in AJ's garage...

May 25, 2007

Today was Carbonation Day at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway. It's called Carbonation Day because, back in the olden times, Indy racers used to have carbonators, and carbonators were finicky and they needed to test them right before race day, but, not now. Now they have fuel infection because it is much more better and efficient.

Maybe they should call it Infection Day. It would make more sense.


There were eleventy trillion people there today, but this is not an attendance thread, so I will not mention the number of people at the track any further. It would be imprudent and irrelevant to do so.

The first thing that happened today was cool. This is ace mechanic John Jones, center, of Chastain Motorsports, getting the coveted Clint Brawner Mechanical Excellence Award.

Clint Brawner was a wrenching genius who fixed Mario Andretti's sled so he could win at Indy back in 1969.

See, back in '69, Mario destroyed his primary real open wheel Indy rig just prior to race day, and Clint had to thrash on a junky backup in order for Mario to have something to win at Indy with.

John Jones had to do something very similar after Steve Gregory made a wrong mistake at Indy and ate some wall and hurt himself.

Jones and his crew of crack real open wheel Indy racing mechanics were able to repair their obliterated sled in time for noted Brazilian super-sub Bobby More to post a most excellent qualifying speed.

The above facts are indisputable, and they also mean John Jones is cool and is now an Indy legend.

I watched the Indy Pro Series race today too. It was cool and fun to watch. These guys are nuts! They need to be reminded that it is improper to go into turn one at Indy three wide. That trick never works!

Alex Lloyd won the race. He is well on his way to being an Indy legend.

That's what I think.

There was a pit stop competition and a Skid Block concert at Indy today too. I have little to no interest in either of these things, so I just walked around and drank cold beers for a while.

I saw untold number of scantily clad ladies baring their bellies and other various parts. Many people were drinking too much beer and whiskey in preparation for the Skid Block show. This was an activity the numerous police took a great interest in.

I also saw a group of college boys doing beer bongs out of a plastic human skull which had its top lopped off and a rubberized spinal column as the delivery tube. (Maybe they were pre-Med, or pre-Law...what's the difference?)

I've never understood the whole beer bong culture. I've always been able to drink cold beer plenty fast enough, not that it is a race or anything, from traditional vessels like cans, bottles, and the tap. Beer bongs are not a good way to enjoy the taste of cold beers, and it should be considered universally imprudent and improper and juvenile to do them.

That's what I think.

Anyhoo...My sixth sense told me it wouldn't be long before unsavory stuff mass arrests, riots, arson, fist fights, and synchronized vomiting.

Seeing as I had no interest in taking part of any of these activities, I excused myself from the IMS grounds and headed over to Camp and Brew.

There, I met and chatted with many real and cool open wheel Indy racers.

I was charming there too, I bet.

I drank some of their beer, but I made a contribution to their charity bucket, so, that fact means I can stop by their campsite any time I want and drink my fill of their yummy and cold draft keg beer.

Yes. Making a donation always is a good way to slam alarming quantities of somebody else's beer and not feel guilty about it later.

Pretty soon I was getting tired, so I decided to say my goodbyes and go home.

Does that ever happen to you? Do you ever get tired after drinking somebody else's draft keg beer for the better part of an evening?

I would be interested to know your experiences with tiredness after consuming much keg beer.

We could compare notes, or something.


May 28, 2007

I went to the Indy 500 yesterday. It was cool and fun to watch too.

I have no pictures, because I can’t let my Kodak Instamatic get wet. I hope you understand.

I sat in J Stand, where the truest and most realest open wheel Indy racers sit. My wealthy and hippy and conservative sister decided she had better things to do than go to the Indy 500, so she took her family to Washington DC to see her bestest buddy George W. Bush instead.

So, I took both of my sons, and, with all the rain and delays and stuff, I was able to teach many valuable Indy racing rules and traditions and regulations:

1- You don’t ever leave the track or the grandstands just because of rain.
2- Prepare for any and all conditions so that there is no whining or complaining. Whining or complaining at Indy is improper and imprudent and not allowed.
3- You stand and remove your headgear for The National Anthem and Taps. And, if you want, you can shed a quiet and reverent tear too.
4- You sing Back Home Again In Indiana in a loud and boisterous manner whether Gomer is there or not.
5- You take the path of least resistance whenever you have to go pee.
6- Keep on eye on your gear. Gear adrift is a gift. Maybe.
7- Be considerate of others.
8- It’s the Indy 500. Be enthusiastic or stay home and knit, or something.
9- Don’t talk trash of things you know nothing about. For example, Peyton Manning doesn’t suck just because you are not a Colts fan. Manning has more SuperBowl rings than most of us. Scoreboard.
10- Launching free Jello shots into the crowd can generate a great deal of interest from the YellowShirts.
11- Truly cool people who come to Indy for the party do so in a mellow and sneaky manner so as to not draw attention to themselves.

Before the real open wheel Indy car season started, I was asked who my pick would be for winning this year’s 500. I chose Marco, but after watching all the teams prepare for this year’s race, I came to the conclusion that Kanaan looked the strongest and would be a good bet to win the Indy Speed Contest for 2007. I was almost correct. Sorta.

The start of the race was not as it normally is intended. It was kinda single file, or something, and this has drawn much ire and derision and hate from some. I figure it’s OK, though, because there were no fiery bits of shiny Indy racers launched into the stands, and that is always a good thing.

Kanaan look unbeatable, and this fact made me feel somewhat of a genius.

Then, Bobby More made a wrong mistake at Indy, and my good buddies at Chastain had another destroyed racer to look at again. Bobby said his back hurt a little, so they took him to the hospital for observation. We all hope he’ll be OK. Chastain Motorsports finished last and are probably bummed out and forlorn about their real Indy racing luck. You are loved and respected anyways, Team Chastain!

During this first caution period, I saw the entire field make a pit stop at the same time! I don’t believe I’ve ever witnessed such a thing at Indy before in my 30 some years of attendance. I could be wrong about all that, as I often am, because, during many of those 30 some years, I had cold beers! I might have missed something. Maybe.

Next, John Herbivore decided he needed a taste of all-vegetable Safer Barrier, and he made a wrong mistake at Indy and took a big bite. He is OK now, thankfully.

Milk ‘n’ Donuts made another wrong mistake at Indy too. She decided to hit the wall, first with the front, then with the rear, of her rig. Thankfully, she is OK now. Yes. She departed the race in dramatic fashion, and Indy is all about drama.

Tommy Scheckter added to some front stretch excitement when he got mad and speared Sammy Hornish’s rear tire and flattened it, I think. Tommy got a broken nose on his racer for his thoughtless on-track actions. Serves him right, the big dope! Later, Tommy said Sammy is a bad Indy racer and that Sammy is always doing stupid stuff on racing surfaces. I don’t know too much about all that, but I do know Sammy has one more Indy ring than Tommy. Scoreboard, Tommy.

John Andretti found himself a nice camping spot for today’s race. Unfortunately, John was not in his Winnebago. John was in his fast and shiny Indy racing machine, and the ideal camping location he found was the turn two wall. John made a wrong mistake at Indy there, but he’s OK now. Earlier in the race, one of John’s rear view mirrors fell off. I think many of the rear view mirror installers on Indy rigs need to be retrained…or fired. That’s what I think.

Phil Keebler and his Playa Del racer ran out of elfin magic and made a wrong mistake at Indy as well. All that remained of his unruly Panoz was bits and pieces and crumbs. Phil's OK now, thankfully, but his wrong mistake may take him out of contention for Rookie of the Year awards. Who's to say for sure?

Pretty soon, with Kanaan in the lead on lap 113, God decided Indy needed watering, and the race was red flagged for a while. I bet Kanaan was doing his version of a Brazilian rain dance, or something.

During this rain delay, my sons and I sat in J Stand with the other real and cool and die-hard Indy racers. We watched wreckers and flat beds and jet powered trailers go roundy round for three hours. The crack IMS crew got the track dried out very quickly so we could be entertained by more real open wheel Indy racing. I salute the IMS drying team for a superb job!

I also noticed, during this downtime, that a recalcitrant and malingering fan in the infield had spelled out a farcical message in empty beer cans which he stuck in the fencing. This message read, “I had sexual relations with Danica.” Only, it didn’t say had sexual relations with

Various YellowShirt personnel soon saw this improper advertisement, and it was quickly and prudently removed. YellowShirts know what Indy means, and they also know that Indy is a family program. Pretty much. Sometimes.

So, with the track dry, we resumed the Indy Speed Classic! I knew it was going to be a sprint car race to victory pedestal for somebody, because I figured more rain was on the way. I announced this fact to no one in particular, but those fans around me nodded in total agreement. I am sometimes amazing, bordering on spectacular.

Martin Roth made a wrong mistake at Indy next, but he’s OK now. He was probably tired of Indy competition and figured he had better things to do than to get in the way of others. Maybe. It was very considerate of him to excuse himself from the race, but I bet there’s a more better and safer and less costly way to do it. If I were Martin, I probably would have just pulled into my pit and waved to my adoring fans and told them my racer was a tub of excrement…or something. That way, I wouldn’t have deposited shards of my broken racing machine all over the track. Martin may have had thoughts of Indy and its associated drama, and figured he’d go out like a blazing supernova! Who’s to say for sure? Certainly not me.

With the next restart, Jack Lazier lost control of his beastly Panoz coming high out of turn four, but he’s OK now. This wrong mistake at Indy caused Kanaan to careen violently out of control near pit entrance. Kanaan did a great job of avoiding large and small bits of Jack’s decimated racer. Kanaan looped a time or two but avoided any contact, apparently, and limped on into his pit with a flat tire. These events effectively eliminated Kanaan’s chances for a coveted Indy victory. I bet Kanaan gave Jack a stern talking to, or maybe even a butt-beating, after all was said and done. That’s what I think.

Dario Judd had inherited the lead a little bit before all this. Dario knew about more rain coming, probably because he had live audio feed from the Weather Channel, or something.

I bet there’s some folks out there, on the intardnets and elsewhere, who are saying that the events which unfolded are all just an Andretti/Green secret spy plot so that one of their guys would win at Indy. Not me, though.

The final restart was a lollapalooza! It featured multiple Indy racing machine destruction and flight and invertedness!

Nearing turn three, Marco’s rear view mirror malfunctioned or he forgot to look over his shoulder before he made an ill-advised lane change without signaling. Whatever the reason, Marco got tangled up with Dan Wheldon. This contact sent Marco airborne and flipping in a heinous racing incident complete with showers of sparks and race car debris! Wow! Luckily, Marco is OK now. Marco is a bad-ass! He’ll shake this off too, and I bet he wins a few of these Indy Speed Events before all is said and done.

About this time, the rains began again. The race was declared official, and Dario Judd is named the champion of this year’s Indy 500! Congratulations Dario! Well done!

Ashley Judd was happy her husband won the race. I am happy she was happy, because we were allowed to see a fine, barefoot, southern lady in a rain-soaked sundress gleefully prancing about the pit lane area! This activity should be a new and permanent Indy racing tradition. That’s what I think.

Kanaan congratulated Dario on his well-deserved victory. They embraced. They hugged. They moaned and groaned together. They are good buddies, I bet.

I know there are some hate-filled curmudgeons out there who are saying this is a hollow victory, or that it doesn’t really count, and that Dario isn’t a real Indy 500 Champ.

I say balderdash!

Tell it to AJ Foyt, or Jordan Gongcock, or Bobby Unser, or Mario Andretti or Al Unser!

There have been many rain shortened races, or races often determined by luck, or by being at the right place at the right time, or being there at all at the finish.

It all counts and it all matters and they are all legitimate. Dario’s mug will be on the Borg-Warner Trophy.


The 2007 Indianapolis 500 was cool and fun to watch.

Everybody should go to see an Indy 500 sometime.

It would be the proper thing to do.

Pretty much.

May 30, 2007

The Winner

My Obligatory and Final 2007 Indy 500 Super Spectacular Pictorial Blog Type Thing Thank You Post...


I had the time of my life this year! I hope you all had fun too.

As long as I'm still breathing, I'll do it again next year.

A big THANK YOU to the following:


My wife…thanks for the patience and understanding.
Dad…thanks for the inspiration.
Mom…thanks for the encouragement and everything else.
My kids…thanks for thinking Dad is still kinda cool. Sorta.
Big Sis and Gary…thanks for the tickets, for being cool, and for getting it.
Big Bro and Jess…thanks for showing me what true sarcasm and dark humor is really all about.
Lil’ Sis, her man Bobby, and TaterTot…thanks for putting up with me, even when I’m an ass.

Trackforum and the Intardnets:

Jbaiza, Max Revs, sf-Indy-fan, SactoIndyFan, Turn13, 9rows, RV, Jeff Chiszar, R22, badart, cleanupcrew, Spicoli(?), roadrage, ROCK, MarkDonohueFan, R Mears Fan, Tim 65, RacingPortaJohn, pdalbey, MoparsRule, FLB, irnlsfan, roach, indy44, ND500BARB, mdkiel, Indycarjunkie, ZenMan, whosyer-sparkplug, GlennH, trow, CPS, Ken-Paul, dra, Defender, PHJIndy, Paula, Field of 33, Ovalfan, Indyfan4ever, CrewChief, Outlaw, ZenMan, BRG75, nm, SoDak, LadyTurnLeft, mstrangfeld, bever911, c7, jbr, scrambler, Wheel-Nut, RailBird, ECH, KnockOff, Shawnster42, doitagain, BiF, fastmaster808, aowzone, mstove, Tara, Teej, jcroche, SportscarBruce, gass, huffy, Racemind, IndyJim1, CRISTAL FAN, speedwaygirl56, turnrightgoleft, jiman1973, crashcoursed, skypigeon, cps, STAND E, Cant hit apex, TommyDaComic, Smacked, Lancelot, slompappy, Grover, gass, Leadfoot, Taliesin, Jughead, O&A Virus, Wrench, elephant, rosco, CrewChief, roadracer, DavidM, MacSparty, lutesk, SDandTSfan, Rob In Indy, Calhoun, lotuspoweredbyford, Broadway Joe, Mack Too, irlricefan13, fl-irlfan, Mindervillian, mec, cdp76, theunions, jiman1973, wedge, Rossfeld, Dizz Fan, rev-ed, Eagle104, rrrr, impact, Ziggy, anybody who clicked at the blog site here.

The Indianapolis Motor Speedway:

Tony Hulman, Tony George, Fred Nation, Deb Taylor, Ron McQueeney, the IndyCar Series, the IMS YellowShirts, the IMS Ecology Crew, the IMS Safety Team, all past and present drivers and crews, Arni, Dave "The King" Wilson, David Donaldson, Mike King.


Coors, Coors Light, New Castle Brown Ale, Coca Cola, Coppertone Sport SPF 50, Cadillac, Kodak, WNDE, Olympus, Radio Shack, Motorola, Microsoft, Jim Rome, TracFone, ImageShack, Ray-Ban, WIBC, the United States Marine Corps, IBM, Dell, Canon, Avia, Epson, the Indianapolis Star, Sony, WRZX,, Robin Miller, the Chastain Gang, Slug, Eddie, Shimster, Matt, Vinnie, Mrs. B, Bob and Tom, Zazzle, OffCamber, ChampCarFanatics, Reebok, SmackForum, CampAndBrew, SpeedTV, Dish Network, Michael Young, WFBQ, Paul Woods, real photographers, anyone who knows what Indy means.

Cardinal Health, Mike, and especially the senior drivers who left the month of May vacation schedule open so I could do this thing…Bill, Larry, KY, Doug, Lonnie. They may not know what Indy means, but they know what it means to me! Thanks a million, guys!

Everybody who GOT it…

Everybody who didn’t GET it, or like it…thanks for not crapping in my punchbowl.

Anybody who bought a T-shirt…

The several unknown people who walked up to me, only because I was wearing a dumb Zoomie shirt, and complimented me on my work...made me feel good and humble at the same time...thanks for that.

If I missed anybody, I'm sorry, but I suffer from CRS...can't remember squat...except it isn't squat I can't remember.

Maybe I should Google it, or something.

I know what Indy means.

Pretty much.