Sunday, June 3, 2012

Number One Son Graduates High School And Makes Dad Look Like A Genius!

I can fuck you up in any number of ways.  Just give me a second to get out of this goofy outfit first!

Number One Son graduated from his high school yesterday.

Seventh in his class of approximately 200…

One of those moments in life where I think all the constant nagging from my wife and I (parenting) has paid off.

One of those moments that make me think, “Fuck!  He actually listened to some of the shit I told him!”

I have often told him and his brother and sister to NOT do what I did.

"Study.  Work hard.  Don’t half-ass anything you do.  You are responsible for you, and you have nobody to blame but yourself for your failures.  Educate yourself and learn a skill that will allow you to earn a decent living.  Nobody owes you a living."

I am so proud of him the buttons on my shirt are popping off like an M-16 on full auto.

His good grades seemingly came easy for him. 

Math subjects like algebra and calculus, which, in ancient times caused my brain to shut down and my eyes to glaze over in glorious stupidity, were no great problem for him.

Finite math was another story, apparently, and he had to devote some actual study time to pass this course.

When I attempted finite math, I smoked bowls on the walk to class and arrived thoroughly baked.  I eventually dropped the course in order to avoid receiving my well-deserved F.

There’s a reason they call it “dope”…

I told all my kids early on that it would behoove them to learn Spanish as the country was being over-run, and having this skill would most likely end up being beneficial for any number of reasons.

Number One Son also excelled in Spanish language, although I have rarely heard him speak a word of it around me unless it was a Spanish curse word of some sort.

I think this is because I’ve always encouraged my kids to speak “American” at home, and that I constantly ask them to report to me any devious goings-on of their Commie-loving, Chavez-nut-gargling, Castro-ass-kissing, Che-worshipping Spanish teacher.

Anyhoo…after years of prodding and listening to me tell him how NOT to do things, (and that there was basically no way I was going to be able to fund a college education for him), Number One Son decided to follow in his uncle’s footsteps and pursue the computer field.

No dumb shit like truck-driving for him…

He will be attending the local satellite office of Purdue University.

He received a small education scholarship or two, and took out a student loan in his own name.

Apparently, these facts, according to some, make my son and I members of the tax-devouring Free Shit Army, and we are to be despised and loathed by all true and real American patriots.

I dunno about all that. 

He earned the scholarships with his good grades, and he will repay his loans through working while/after attending school.

So…therefore…I don’t give two stinking shits what anybody says about my son and I being leaches on the system.

Fuck you anyway.

Besides all that, I taught him to shoot at an early age.

Another lesson from me he took to heart…

He is a crack shot with a handgun and a rifle.

He can fuck up your world with lead, and, someday, with computers…a frightening combination.


I am a bad dad.

Congratulations, son.

Well done. 

I couldn’t be more proud of you.