Saturday, March 21, 2009

A Strange Dream

Yeah. Fucking MPs suck.

This one time at summer camp, my mom and me were at the Camp Geiger E-club having a few beers.

See, reservists back then in the old Corps were allowed to take our moms with us for ATD.

So anyways, mom and me were having a beer at the E-club, and I got my .45 ACP Colt on the table and I’m cleaning it and stuff.

See, back in the old Corps, we were allowed to carry and take along personal firearms with us wherever we went on active duty because the Marine Corps either couldn’t afford to issue us side arms, or they wouldn’t, but we knew we needed them because Annual summer Training Duty for us reservists could be very dangerous and hazardous so we went ahead and did whatever we wanted that made us feel safe.

So…I got CLP all over the table and my hands, but we didn’t have cool old ammo boxes full of CLP back then. That kinda thing was exclusively for the active duty types. We just had the little plastic bottles of CLP, I guess because the Marine Corps figured a bunch of reservists probably couldn’t be trusted with an old .50 cal ammo can full of CLP.

Anyhoo…it’s not long before this pimply-faced LCpl MP walks up to our table and asks me if I got a permit to carry that 45 in his E-club.

I’m like, “Motherfucker please. No, I don’t have a permit.”

Then, my mom pipes up. She can get kinda mouthy and embarrassing after she’s had a few beers.

She says, “No he doesn’t have a permit, and he doesn’t need one either because he’s a Desert Storm Combat Vet! Desert Storm Combat Vets don’t need permits. They have a lifetime exemption. Go away now, twerp!”

While it is true that Desert Storm Combat Vets are turbo-cool, and they don’t need permits for anything because they get a lifetime exemption from everything, I really didn’t see combat during Desert Storm unless you count the combat I saw from about 50 miles away.

Well, the MP was apparently satisfied with our explanation, and he sat down at a table near ours and ordered a beer. A few of his LCpl MP buddies joined him shortly thereafter, and they heckled and made fun of me and my mom and all reservists in general the remainder of the evening.

Pretty soon I got fed up with his bullshit and told him, “Fuck all you motherfuckers!”

Then I challenged them to a duel, or something, and my mom reminded me to watch my language.

They backed down pretty quick after that.

LCpl MP types are kinda intimidated by reservist Desert Storm Combat Vets.


MPs suck.


MPs - military police. Nothing is more powerful or awe-inspiring or fearsome than a LCpl with a badge. A Marine cop.

LCpl - a rank exclusive to the Marine Corps. Pay grade of E-3. Known also as Lance Criminal.

CLP - cleaner, lubricant, preservative. A teflon-based liquid resembling melted butter. Used for weapons cleaning. Has a wonderful odor and would be most excellent as a perfume or cologne.

E-Club - an on-base establishment catering to enlisted personell who wish to consume massive quantities of cheap, government-subsidized beer.

ATD - annual training duty. Also known as summer camp. Two or more weeks served by reservists annually for training purposes.

Camp Geiger - a small offshoot base of Camp Lejeune, North Carolina. A wonderful, modern place with all the amenities of a Hilton hotel.