Thursday, October 18, 2012

A Great Big Hearty “FUCK YOU” To One Member Of The Indianapolis Metropolitan Police Department

So there I was.

Zero-Dark-Thirty this morning.

In my big rig on I-70, downtown Indianapolis, raining, dark, 5 lanes heading east.

Doing like Ben Franklin said...minding my business.

I’m in the middle lane going about 57mph in a left-curving portion of the interstate.

The posted speed limit is 55mph.

(I am a rebel.)

There is a six-foot tall concrete dividing wall separating the eastbound side from the westbound side.

Ahead of me in my lane I see a Conway doubles rig putting along at about 50mph.

I kick on my left blinker, check my mirrors and see nothing behind me to my left, and proceed to move around the Conway rig.

About halfway through my maneuver, I see a set of headlights in my mirror suddenly appear around the divider wall in the lane to which I’ve almost completely moved.

I realize there’s no sense in trying the whip back over to the lane I was in, seeing as I would have had to lean into the binders pretty hard on wet pavement to miss Conway…and homie wasn’t about to do that…and the speeding headlights I saw still had one other lane to my left to safely get around me.

But he was closing the gap very quickly.

Too quickly, especially for the conditions.

So I gassed it a little more to get around Conway and create some space between Speed Racer and myself, and as the speeding car now in the far left lane got closer, he kicked on his high beams…and his driver’s side door pillar spotlight!

It was a fucking cop!

IMPD’s finest.

As the cop overtook me and passed me, he adjusted his spotlight so that it constantly shined directly into my driver’s side mirrors.

When he was at a position to where he could no longer shine his spotlight into my mirrors, he adjusted his spotlight again so that it shined directly into my face!

Nice professionalism, Porky.

Motherfucking pig had to be going 65mph in a 55mph zone…at night in the rain…got all road-raged because a mere mundane dared to impede his forward progress, and he decided to play flashlight tag with a fucking semi!

Let me give you a little tip, you worthless fucking scrote.

If you’re in such a big fucking hurry because you are on an emergency run, turn on your god damned disco lights.

I would have seen their reflection long before I saw your headlights, and I would have given you the space you apparently so desperately needed.

You didn’t turn on your disco lights because you were not on an emergency run.

You acted like a complete asshole because:

-The hot light at Krispey Kreme was on.

-It was the end of your shift, and you were in a hurry to get home to shoot your dog and beat your wife.

-You and yours operate by one set of rules…doing whatever the fuck you want…while we peasants must operate by another.

And another thing…if my driving errors were so egregious to the extent that you felt it necessary to fuck with me, why the hell didn’t you pull me over and cite me?

I’ll tell you why.

It’s because you are a lazy fucking coward.

You didn’t want to get out of your car and get wet, but you wanted to show your ass and prove to a hard-working taxpayer just who the fuck was in charge.

Fuck you, pal.

I wasn’t intimidated.

I didn't piss my pants.

I wasn’t scared of you. 

I didn't slow down either. 

I wasn’t impressed, and I showed you who was the bigger man by not retaliating in kind.

I didn't brake check you, swerve at you, flash my high beams at you, or honk my horn at you because I am an adult and a man.

You cannot say the same because you are a punk with a badge. 

I wish you had pulled me over.

I wish you had cited me.

You’d have gotten a fucking earful.

I god damn guarantee it.

And you would have seen me in court also.

That I god damn guarantee as well.

Let me tell you something else, fuck-face.

There’s a whole lotta law-abiding motherfuckers out here who are tired of your shit.

Yet, you and yours cry and bitch about not getting any respect or courtesy.

That shit is a two-way street.

You get what you give.

One of these nights, you may get your tit caught in a wringer, and the only motherfucker out there at that time of night to lend you a hand in a timely manner just might be me or another cat like me.

We might help you.

We might not.

It’s pretty much up to you.

Fuck you anyway.



Paul Johnson



  1. A-fucking-men Zoomie. Assholes like that piss me off to no end, and they seem to be multiplying exponentially these days. They tend to make me want to flip the bird at the next pig I see up-ended in a ditch or whatever while I mash the throttle and go on my way. I didn't see shit. What goes around comes around jackoff...

  2. why are you sugar coating this???

    1. I realize I need to work on my shyness.
      One day I will emerge from my shell in glorious fashion.

  3. Ha Ha , yeah I`m thru there quite a bit to. They've got a D O T boy who loves that wide spot on 465-W just before I-65. I've passed thru there all hour,s and seen him shaking someone down there.

    1. "Shakedown" is the perfect word to describe it, my brother.

      It ain't about "safety." It's about collecting revenue for the state, and they figure the pickins' are good with truck drivers because we have jobs that usually pay pretty good, so we can afford the double and triple value fines.

      Cocksucker criminal highwaymen with badges need to get actual jobs and find out what it's really like to have to labor for their daily bread.

  4. That was some uncalled for childish bullshit.
    Kinda makes a feller wanna play NASCAR and put the sonofabitch in the wall.
    Catch him just right with the duelies and it won't even leave a mark on your rig.

    1. That ain't no shit! I had a dumb bitch in an Explorer two winters ago bounce off my trailer tandems during a snowstorm in a construction zone..

      She was going too fast for conditions because she thought her 4WD made her invincible. She got impatient and tried to pass me, got squirrely when she swerved onto the left shoulder, over-corrected, bounced off my trailer tires, then spun off into the median and the retaining cable catch fence.

      Fucked up that Exploder something proper. I hardly felt it and laughed at her dumb ass.

  5. I carry a digital voice recorder in my vehicle to record all encounters. I got pulled over once and informed the nice occifer that our conversation would be recorded and he told me that he didn't give his consent to be recorded. I told him that I didn't need his fucking consent, I just needed to make him aware of it.
    That cost me $300...... Quietest and quickest ticket I've ever gotten.

    1. Yessir. I can do the same with the Ipod I have with me at all times. I can switch from jamming AC/DC to video/audio recording in a heart beat.

      I guarantee I'll be posting whatever I get all over the intardwebs!


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