Saturday, November 1, 2008

Halloween Sucks

Man...I hate Halloween. I mean, except for hawt chicks dressing up even hawter for the occasion, Halloween has historically sucked for me.

I once got fired from an admittedly shitty job on a Halloween afternoon. That was fun explaining to the new wife at the time...

Now, I think Halloween aggravates me because strangers I don't even know come on to my property and expect me to give them shit I paid for...for free.

Halloween is kinda like a micro-organism of this country.

Maybe. at the Zoomie homestead, we have rules for the proper conduct and execution of Halloween festivities.

I will enumerate those rules for you now:

A) You must knock on the front door. You can't just stand there, and expect me to derrick my fat ass outta the recliner to answer an un-knocked-upon door. Otherwise, you and I are gonna just stare at each other through the window of the storm door...and very much of that is gonna make me reach for a weapon of some sort.

B) You must clearly state your intent when I answer the door by exclaiming, "TRICK OR TREAT!" a loud, boisterous, enthusiastic, and commanding manner. Do not whisper. I might get aroused. Nobody wants that. The amount and quality of sugary snacks I pour into your goodies bag is directly proportional to the quality of your statement of intent.

C) You must be in costume. If you look like a big bowl of ass-soup, you will walk away candy-less. The explanation of, "I'm disguised as a mouthy teen-ager," will not apply.

D) You must be of appropriate age. If you need a shave or a Midol, you will be turned away.

5) If you receive a sugary largess from me, a "Thank You" is in order and always appropriate and appreciated. If I don't get one, I will try to pry a "Thank You" from you by saying "You're Welcome" in a sarcastic tone. It's the way I roll. Polite and mannered youth are appreciated.

6) If you are turned away for any reason, by either me or the wife, a hasty and silent retreat off the premises is highly recommended. I will not hesitate to follow you and assist you in your efforts to vacate my property. I am not a scared and cowering homeowner intimidated by angry and disgruntled youth. The sooner you know that, the better.

I have been known to patrol the grounds long after the time for official Halloween festivities has ended.

One just never knows how many disgruntled former candy beggars are out there lurking in the shadows...waiting to smash your punkin or soap your windows or set the barn afire.


Halloween sucks.

Pretty much.

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Feel free to comment away with your bad-ass selves.

Cursing and foul language is fine...even encouraged here. In fact, I think cussing is fucking wonderful.

Just remember...this is MY house, and I will not be insulted or maliciously messed with here.

Good-natured ribbing is cool, but if you and I don't have some kind of previous relationship, you had best mind your fucking manners or I will relegate you to the intardnets dustbin for being a cunt.

To know me is to love me.

Or something.