Sunday, February 21, 2016

The Sad Saga Of Rocky Raccoon


So, some dumbass (me) left the garage door open a few nights ago.

The next morning I find shit and piss all over the place and a raccoon and a cat holed up in my garage.

I persuade the cat to leave, but Rocky will have none of it.  He has gorged himself on dry cat chow and is fat and happy and has taken up refuge in my gutted, derelict 1968 Chevelle project car from hell.

Rocky's a big motherfucker, and he doesn't want to leave.


I really don't want to hurt the dumb-ass critter because I am a man of peace like Gandhi or Mandela and all of God's creatures are sacred.

So I call up a work buddy to see if he has a live trap I can borrow.  He does, and I go over and get it.  The trap looks a little too small, but Rocky hasn't eaten in a couple of days and I figure he's gonna be getting desperate and he just might try to force his fat ass into the trap for some free goodies.

I bait the trap with canned cat food and put it in the trunk of the Chevelle.  Rocky's in the passenger compartment, but since there is no interior he can move freely from there to the closed trunk space.

Well, this morning I get up to check the trap, and this is what I see when I go outside.

Somehow, Rocky escaped the car and tried to wedge himself under the garage door and got stuck so tightly that he probably asphyxiated himself.  He was cold and stiff and very much graveyard dead.


I tried to do the right thing and be humane, and the ignant motherfucker offed himself.

Stoopid.  You shoulda taken the deal.  Now look atcha.  All dead an' shit...

I am sorry, Rocky.


  1. That's sad. Too bad he didn't go in the trap. I can think of a handful of people that I would rather see trapped , cold and stiff, under that door.

    1. I know. The night before this, I left the garage open again so he could escape if he wanted, but he didn't do it.

    2. Motherfucking Clinton comes to mind...

      Walt, I miss ya. Your old Brit friend from across the pond. I had a shake of bad luck and zipped out to south America. :)

      Fuck those pongos. I see your words, hear your heart and still fucking love ya. You pump out some of the best and most real words on the entire intardnets.


  2. "Ironic" is the only word that comes to mind....

    Good for you, though, for trying to do "The Right Thing".

  3. That's really unusual for a raccoon to misjudge like this. Are you sure the garage door didn't accidently close on him as he was leaving?

    1. Unpossible. I am a poor and broke truck driver, and I can't afford them new-fangled automatic garage door openers. Those garage doors are 50 years old if they're a day, and one must open and close them with purpose because of the ancient spring and pulley system. They don't close air/water tight, and Rocky got hisself into a pickle when he sensed an opening...I guess.

      The whole thing kinda bums me out. I understand 'coons are more or less a nuisance animal, but they are kinda cool and I didn't want to hurt him. That's why I nixed the idea of popping him in the brain-pan with a .22 short.

      That and the fact that the local cops and I have had an interaction regarding the discharging of a firearm within city limits at two charging Rottweilers a few years ago made me resort to a more "civilized option.

      I just wish it all woulda panned out. :(

  4. Well Zoomie, you just can't predict what a non-domesticated Trash-Panda is gonna do.

    You gave him a chance for a better way out, he choose a life on the street, got caught in the squeeze play of the decade and paid with is life.

    Release your feelings of despair, for yours was a righteous attempt. And NO, those cops around there have proven to you, that they do not know a law-abiding, gun toting citizen like yourself has a right to protect your person and property from dogs and all animals foreign and some-what domestic ! -- Tommy DaComic

  5. That was definitely not the way I saw this story ending. I wanted to read about some crazy struggle in the trap or how you went Hulk on him and forced him out of your garage. But you now have a solution to your problem. Now you are stuck with dragging a dead raccoon carcass off of your property.


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