Part 10- My Fantastic Supreme 2009 Indy 500 Photo Diary Blog Type Thang: A Good Day At Indy...For Me, At Least

Although my day at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway was much better today, it didn’t go so hot for Mike Conway and a few other drivers.

Early during the first practice session, I was in the garage area when I heard what sounded like a large metal dumpster hitting the ground. It was not a dumpster, but it was Conway biffing it hard into the First Turn wall.


At the time of this writing, it was reported that Conway was suffering from a possible bruised lung. Whatever the extent of his injuries, I wish him a speedy recovery.

It wasn’t long before Al Tagliani committed a similar wrong mistake at Indy, but he wasn’t injured.

Indy’s dreaded hurt locker is getting a lot of visits, which is never a good thing.

Eleven more positions were filled, but it really wasn’t very dramatic at all.

However, one dramatic incident stands out.

See…John Andretti was on the track practicing for his umpteenth qualifying attempt. Entering Turn One, John ran out of interest in pursuing a safe and prudent line through the turn. John’s sled pitched violently out of control and careened into the wall, distributing multiple shards of his shattered racer about the area.

Close behind was IndyCar hotshoe GrahamCracker Rahal (GCR). GCR was minding his own damned business, when he was suddenly faced with the spinning, disintegrating remnants of John Andretti’s racer.

This is John’s sled before…


This is bits of it later…


If a lesser driver had been in GCR’s rig, John Andretti could have been skewered in a dreadful manner.

Luckily for Andretti, GCR is a young and real Indy racing stud with quick reflexes. In an exhibition of professional driving expertise, GCR spun his Newman/Hause/Flannigan racer safely past the forlorn Andretti.

GCR’s machine was apparently undamaged in the incident.

Possibly.

It was amazing and spectacular. Myself and the five other people in the grandstands applauded and cheered wildly.

It was as good of a display of driving prowess as I had seen in my 40 years of Indy 500 attendance. It was a beautiful thing to witness, and I wanted to shake GCR’s hand and hug him and congratulate him for it.

Or something.

Maybe.

I would like to see GrahamCracker Rahal win the race. That would be cool. He is a badass.

Anyhoo…as I said before, my day today trackside was enjoyable. I met and conversed with cool and real Indy racing insider fanatics, one of whom purchased a large frosty draft beer for me in order to assuage my unfortunate and real or imagined Indy post Pole Day Depression.

Another attractive young female version of a real racing team insider provided me a cool soft drink compliments of her employer and spoke to me as if my appearance didn’t totally repel her. She is groovy and not aloof and doesn’t come across like many of the poseurs flitting about the garage area as if they are Christ arriving to cleanse the temple.

Pretty much.

I felt much better talking and bullshitting with these fine folks, and I do appreciate them pretending to enjoy my company.

This is something I saw today which also made me feel a little more better.


This is a young youth of today, who was at the track with his dad, dressed in an authentic reproduction youth-sized race driver fire suit type thang. It is cute beyond reasonable belief… except for the unfortunate references to Little Dale and NASCAR.

I also ignored his Crocks, which are improper, imprudent, and totally inappropriate footwear…and took the picture because of his overall adorableness.

I also saw racing journalism legend Robin Miller running in circles and cursing. I know I’m not supposed to, but I gotta admire this guy. Maybe it’s because he’s an ass…just like me.

Yes.

Today at IMS was a good day.

Part 9- My Fantastic Supreme 2009 Indy 500 Photo Diary Blog Type Thang: One Of My Turns

Author's note: The following are my opinions, but evidence suggests that I am not the only long-time supporter of the Indy 500/IMS who feels this way.

I went to Pole day today at The Indianapolis Motor Speedway, but I didn’t go as your Unofficial Indy 500 Photo/Blogger dude.

I didn’t take one picture, unless you count the one I took of my old racin’ buddy taking a nap with his puppy on the couch during all the drama.

I simply sat in the Northwest Vista and observed as a fan.

It was windy and kinda cold.

There were a couple of wrong mistakes committed today at Indy, but I’m not going to report on them because you can read about them and see them all over the place if you want to.

Really…If you’ve seen one destroyed Honda/Dallara/Firestone, you’ve seen ‘em all.

Drama.

Honestly, I come away from Pole Day today kinda sad and pissed and disappointed.

The crowd was sparse.

Drama.

Every car gets untold hundreds of chances to qualify.

Drama.

Hells bells…Paul Tracy got bumped, then bumped back into the field of 11, half a dozen times or more, and he performed only one qualification run.

Drama.

Who will get the pole? Which red car? Will it be Penske or Ganassi? And tell me again…how many chances do they get to bump their teammate off the pole? I forget.

Drama.

Maybe it’s just me.

Maybe I’m just getting too old for this shit.

Maybe I still remember how it used to be.

Maybe I miss the old friends who are no longer with us, and the good times we had.

Maybe it’s because the month of May makes me think of my dad, and I still miss him.

Maybe I should only go to the race, and forget attending practice days and quals, because it’s never going to be as good as it once was.

Maybe I should look for somebody to blame, but that’s been done already. I try not to rehash.

In an interview today, Scott Sharp was comparing the American LeMans Series (ALMS) to IndyCar. Basically, he said the ALMS cars were high-tech, highly innovative machines, while the IndyCars were pedal to the metal left turn drone-fests.

He’ll probably get some flak for saying what he said, but maybe he has a point.

Back in olden times, IndyCars were high tech and highly innovative.

Maybe when the new car rules come into effect, things will get better.

Maybe I should just sit back and enjoy it for what it is now.

Maybe I should find a new hobby.

Maybe I should drink more.

Maybe I’m just having one of my turns.

Who’s to say? Certainly not me.

In the meantime, I wait.

Drama.

Maybe.

Part 8- My Fantastic Supreme 2009 Indy 500 Photo Diary Blog Type Thang: Dario And Dorks

This year, after quitting NASCAR because it is goofy and cartoonish, Dario Judd took a gig with Chip Ganassi.

This is what Dario’s car looks like now.



In this shot, Dario’s crack crew is flogging the snot out of their Indy Honda V-8 engine.


A couple of years ago, Dario won the Indy 500 in grand style and cemented his legendary status in real open wheel racing history for all time.

During the post-race sobbing and hugging and moaning ceremonies, Dario stated he was happy he could join his hero and fellow Scottishland countryman Jimmy Clark as an Indianapolis 500 Sweepstakes winner.

With this in mind, I recently got to thinking that Dario would probably like to have this picture of Clark, which my old man took at Indy a long time ago back in 1963.

(Rick Johnson photo)

So…I printed up a nice copy from my vast vintage racing photo archive, and proceeded to Dario’s garage so that I could present it to him in a gesture heretofore unseen in the annals of real Indy Racing fandom.

I had visions of Dario’s wide-eyed amazement as I gave him the photo. I also half-expected him to hug me and kiss me and moan a little as well.

Maybe.

Unfortunately, this intimate scenario did not come to fruition, because every time Dario comes out of his garage or something, he is mobbed by rabid and enthusiastic real Indy 500 autograph and camera dorks.

Knowing that I could not haul around a glossy 8x10 shot of Jim Clark all day without spilling beer on it, I left the picture with an elderly and responsible-looking Target/Chip Ganassi crewmember…with explicit instructions that he should personally hand-deliver it to Dario with my compliments.

The TCG crewmember looked at me as if I were an insane stalker, took the photo from me, and slowly backed away.

Top Secret Spy Photo (by Curt Boggs)

I have no way of knowing if Dario ever received the photo.

I bet the TCG crewmember threw it in the trash to protect his driver from unsolicited but historic racing related images.

That would be disappointing.

I am such a dork.

Speaking of dorks, here are some other dorks of the camera variety I saw in the garage area today.


The pictures they took at this moment probably destroyed the delicate inner-workings of their expensive photo equipment.

That’s what I think.

Part 7- My Fantastic Supreme 2009 Indy 500 Photo Diary Blog Type Thang: The Ghost Of Dan Gurney...or something

This is a top-secret spy photo of the Rahal/Letterman 2nd week car to allegedly be driven by Oral Servia.

It is the prettiest car at Indy this year, and if looks can make a real Indy racing machine go faster, this rig will win the Indy 500 hands down.

These facts cannot be disputed, so don’t even try it with me.

Some have been saying, on the intardwebs and elsewhere, that the paint job on this car is sacrilegious and violates all known and unknown rules of proper etiquette and procedure because it resembles Dan Gurney’s classic Eagle racing units from olden times back in 1966/1967, or something.

(Rick Johnson photo)

I don’t know too much about all that, but, just because Dan Gurney wrote the White Album, an infamous piece of subversive and real open wheel racing literature, doesn’t mean that Bob Rahal, or anyone else, can’t use one of Dan’s old paint schemes on a modern-day racing sled.

If Dan Gurney has a problem with someone using his design, he should have copy written it. Maybe.

So far, I don’t think anybody at Indy has heard a peep from Dan lately…not in a long, long time.

That’s a good thing for Bob Rahal and David Letterman, but not so good for American open wheel racing in general.

Probably.

Part 6- My Fantastic Supreme 2009 Indy 500 Photo Diary Blog Type Thang: GrahamCracker Rahal

This is GrahamCracker Rahal (GCR) giving a hard-hitting interview to a powerful and influential local broadcasting legend.

GCR is a young man who seems to be more at ease at Indy this year than last. He seems happier, and I bet it’s because his crack team at Newman/House/Flannigan is paying closer attention to making sure his tummy is filled with yummy snack food items.

I say this because my keen eye caught this scene today in the GCR pit.

If you look closely, you will see many tasty, single serving sized junk food treats carefully taped to the side of the pit box.

Anytime GCR pits, his caring crew can quickly rip a bag of Cheetos, or something, from the side of the pit box and serve them to their ravenous driver.

I understand completely, because I have three teenagers at home too, and trying to keep them satiated is damn near an impossibility.

Normal teens are bottomless pits, and they will eat you out of house and home, so I can just imagine how much a teenaged real and shiny and fast IndyCar hotshoe needs to consume so that he can concentrate on the demanding task of orbiting the world’s most famous racecourse.

Here, we see GCR’s rig being towed back to Gasoline Alley.


They were done for the day because they exhausted their supply of chips and cookies

Probably.

Part 5- My Fantastic Supreme 2009 Indy 500 Photo Diary Blog Type Thang: Sarah O'Gara

It was a beautiful day at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway today. The sun was shining and the beer was flowing and the real and fast and shiny Indy racing machines came out in droves.

They parked all of us great unwashed masses, who don’t have real Indy Racing insider credentials, in the gravel lot behind the front stretch grandstands, instead of way out in Turn Three, because Turn Three had turned into a frothy muddy bog from all the rain.

It was similar to being treated like royalty to park so close to the action, and it enabled me to make many return trips to my Paul Tracy Signature Series Limited Edition Beer Wagon Cruiser to reload my beer supply.


I finally ran into Grover as I normally do at Indy, and, as is tradition, he stomped a new mud hole in my arse and stole some of my beer.

Then, I met up with legendary intardnet Indy Racin’ lensman 9Rows. You can see some of his photographic genius here.

9Rows and I cursed, smoked, drank beer, talked racing, watched hawt chicks, and he bought me a breaded tenderloin sammich because he felt guilty about owning a camera that is better than my Kodak Instamatic.

He's liberal like that...

Then, it was on to taking some photos, and watching Indy racing units at speed from various vantage points around the Speedway.

This is Sarah O’Gara and her crew at the fuel island in the garage area.


If you look closely, you can see that they are all having a rollicking good time, which probably happens often when you work with a cool girl like Sarah.

Sorta.

I’ve said before that I think Sarah is cool because she’s like the girl who lives across the street and not all uppity and stuff…except I don’t peek into Sarahs' windows at night.

Wait…

Anyhoo…the family she recently married into owns a cool little pub in my quiet little town. It’s called O’Gara’s Irish Pub, and I understand Sarah can be found there on occasion, enjoying an iced tea and conversing with eager race fans.


I’ve been in O’Gara’s a couple of times…usually during my town’s Fall Festival thingy, so that I can have a frosty draft beer and escape the unruly youths who roam the streets and cause mayhem.

O’Gara’s Irish Pub is a nice place. They even have a FacePlant page!

I recommend you stop by and say hello and do many shots of Jaeger if you want.

Anyhoo…this is Sara O’Gara’s car.


It is a pretty racecar.

It is sponsored by a store that sells many low-priced Chinese-made plastic items.

Sarah was able to get it up to a respectable speed today.

Way to go Sarah O’Gara!

Part 4- My Fantastic Supreme 2009 Indy 500 Photo Diary Blog Type Thang: Ugly And Rain

I went to the track today, the official opening day, and got rained on. A quick perusal of the local weather radar indicated to me that today would be a washout, so, I took three pictures, drank a beer, and headed home.

This gives me time to stay warm and dry, drink beer, write stupid stuff, and post it on the intardwebs.

Lucky you…

If it clears up in time for some running, I’ll go back trackside. Such are the advantages of living close to the world’s greatest racing facility.

Aren’t you jealous?

Earlier I was speaking of ugly.

This is Al Lloyd’s rig for this year’s Indy 500.

It is not only ugly, it’s fugly.

I suggest Google, or some other suitable search engine, for the definition of fugly.

It is horrific and terrifying to observe, and, to add insult to injury, Al must wear a hot pink fire suit while he pilots this monstrosity around the track.

I bet Al is none too pleased to be poncing around The Brickyard wearing this getup. In fact, I figure he feels like the kid in A Christmas Story when he had to wear his aunt’s present.

But, then again, he’s probably happy he has some kinda sponsorship. The things one is willing to put up with to race are amazing, bordering on spectacular.

Generally speaking, I believe it is neither proper nor prudent to paint one’s real IndyCar pink, unless your name is Bob Sweikert and you took the checkers at Indy in 1955.


See?

Victory at Indy will make a lot of unpleasant things more better.

This is Nellie Phillips signing an autograph for an enthusiastic fan.


Nellie is a former ChampCar hotshoe who decided to try his luck at real Indy racing.

I bet he thought he plumb run outta luck when he first feasted his squinties on his new racing unit, because, it too, is fugly.

It is snot green with what appears to be a tapeworm slithering on the sides.


Nellie has been running a lot of laps, getting acquainted with the racing surfaces.

I’m guessing Nellie would like for his car to get reacquainted with a paint booth, so that the egregious errors committed there recently could be corrected.

That’s what I think.

Part 3- My Fantastic Supreme 2009 Indy 500 Photo Diary Blog Type Thang: Opening Day...Sorta

A determined giant came-a-callin' today at The Indianapolis Motor Speedway. He was pissed, and he showed all the young whipper snappers the quick way around the famous oval, and ground their bones to make his bread.


Or something.

Maybe.

That's how all the hack reporters will describe Paul Tracy's reentry to Indy 500 competition today.

Probably.

As soon as the Indy Lites cars were finished with their dazzling display of speed not seen at IMS since 1972, the big cars made their appearance, and Paul came out and made it look easy.

Right outta the box, Paul was turning 220's, then parked it for a hearty lunch of back-bacon and a sixer of LaBatt's Blue.

Once Paul's lunch settled, he came back out and turned a blistering lap of 223+.

It was with a gracious tow, though, and as soon as Team Gecko and Jammy Billson were through with their back slapping and smiling and hand shaking, I loudly let them know about the tow.

I bet they would have been unaware otherwise...

I think the angry Canadian from Canadia is gonna be a force to reckon with come race day. Don't you reckon?

I just hope they don't get too cocky, because Indy will turn and bite them on the ass if they let it.

Hell...the only guy I ever saw who didn't get his ass bit at Indy was John Montoya, and, if you really stop and think about it, Indy DID eventually take a chunk outta Montoya's arse when Formula One paid us a visit.



Indy always gets its taste.

Eventually.

____________

Roger Penske has three cars for the race this year. He hasn't done that in a long time, and in these tough economic times, he probably wouldn't be doing it now if it wasn't for Helio getting in all kinds of legal trouble for allegedly putting eleventy billion dollars in a boat in international waters somewhere and almost getting sent up the river with his sister.

See...Roger believes in covering all his bases and preparing for all eventualities, so he stole Billy Power from Jammy Billson and Kebmoe KelpOven just in case Helio went to prison.

But, since Helio lawyered up and got off scott-free, Roger had a extra driver available for Indy, because it wouldn't look cool to fire Billy Power who had been doing such a great job as substitute driver for Twinkletoes.

You following me?

Anyhoo...If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that the Penske Organization won't lie to you and tell you they're gonna do something, then not do it.

Roger is firm but fair.

Billy Power is one lucky dude.

Billy Power knows this.

Rick Mears told him so.

___________

A new accessory this year for real and fast IndyCar Honda racing engines is a muffler.

Now...I don't know about you, but, at first, I thought it was silly to put a muffler on a race car.

I mean...Hot-Rodders and Harley owners despise mufflers, mainly because mufflers cut their chances of getting noticed by hawt chicks, and because mufflers supposedly cut engine performance.

I can't say for sure whether either of the above things are true, because I'm too dumb to know anything about engines, and too hideous to worry about being notice by hawt chicks.

But, I can say that real and fast and shiny IndyCars are now a lot less noisy, and that the addition of mufflers has necessitated putting some kinda snorkel looking thing on the sides of the engine cover.

IndyCars should not have snorkels.

Snorkels are improper and imprudent.

Snorkels belong on submarines.

That's what I think.

__________

Speaking of HotRods, this is something I saw today at the track.

This is a Bill Vukovich Memorial/Commemorative, one-off, hand-fabricated, custom, real-world, modified, muffler-less, T-bucket, HotRod Jalopy Death Mobile.

It is cool too.

Even though its coolness is off-the-charts, it is NOT this...

..never could be.

...never will be.

__________

Dan Wheldon must feel like he's living in hell.

Dario Judd decided to quit NASCAR, because it was slow and boring and kinda sucky, and come back to IndyCars.

Dario stole Dan's job, so Dan had to take a gig with BlackCat Racing.

It's obvious to me Dan isn't a happy camper. He's not all spry and jovial anymore because he's sorta mid-packin' it now.

Kinda.

To top it all off, Dan has to drive this sled at Indy.

We've got more than our fair share of ugly race cars at Indy this year, but this paint job should win an award.

I would call that award:

"Paint job best resembling a gangrenous, pus-oozing canker sore."

Or something.

Maybe.

Part 2- My Fantastic Supreme 2009 Indy 500 Photo Diary Blog Type Thang: Bronze Badge And Other Stuff

An interested reader asks...

Zoom, how 'bout a picture of your Bronze Badge?

I have no earthly idea why anybody would want to see this, unless it is to bear witness to my incredible PhotoChop skills, so....here it is.

My 2009 Indy 500 Bronze Badge...

You will note that I have included the actual receipt from the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, LLC, and that it indicates that I am not indebted to them in any way.

Therefore, I can do as I damn well please while I am on their sacred grounds, and there's nothing the yellow shirts or the cops can do about it!

Also, please note the badge itself. It has an image of Allison, Newby, Wheeler, and Fisher...four rich Republican conservatives who stole innocent Hoosier farmers' lands for next to nothing and built a test track for the evil automobile.

I bet the current US leadership would have something to say about these nefarious business dealings if they were to happen today.

Anyhoo...as a recalcitrant and disgruntled youth, I attended Carl G. Fisher Grade School #1 in Speedway Indiana.

That fact is one of the many reason why I Am Indy and a well known and famous intardnet racing insider!

Here are some poor quality images of Fisher School I stole from an old book.




It was a cool old building built in 1918. It had ornate staircases and gleaming hardwood floors and was chock-full of asbestos and lead paint.

It didn't have elevators or wheelchair ramps or air conditioning, so, therefore, it had to go. It was torn down years ago and replaced with a yawn-inducing one-story bunker-looking thingy which has no personality but is kinder and gentler for today's society.

Progress...

Part 1- My Fantastic Supreme 2009 Indy 500 Photo Diary Blog Type Thang

It is May in Indy.

I’m back…





Welcome to my fourth annual coverage of all things Indy 500.

I am on vacation for three weeks. I have my Bronze Badge. I have planned a large beer purchase. I have polished up the Kodak Instamatic, and I have an ample supply of film and flash bulbs.

It should be fun and exciting.

Maybe.

In case you didn’t know, my Indy 500 Blog Mess is kinda interactive, which means you are encouraged to comment and ask pertinent questions regarding all things Indy. I will answer any and all inquiries, as long as I have the strength.

Even though I am an old fart, I have embraced modern technology, kinda, and there are a multitude of ways in which you can send me your comments/suggestions.

I will list them for you now:

1—Post your replies/comments/questions here. That would probably be the easiest thing to do.

2—Private Message…in case you are too embarrassed about your poor spelling and grammar.

3—Email me at various addresses which are easily found if you are savvy. However, if you send me porn or viruses, I will hunt you down and cause you great pain, so don’t even think about it.

4—FacePlant. Yes. I have one of those silly things, and for the month of May, I will leave it open to all visitors. You will learn more than you ever wanted to know about my boring existence, but this is not about me, it’s about Indy, and it’s one more way to contact me if you desire. There are pictures of me and my family there, so don’t get any ideas about stalking them or kidnapping them, because I will put you in the Hurt Locker if you try it. (It might help to tell me how you know me or how you and I are connected at FacePlant. Otherwise I may or may not ignore you!)

5—Twatter. This is something I don’t think I’m really going to use, because I have no mobile computing type of device, and I’m not about to go Twatting at Indy, but it’s another way to leave me messages if you want.

Ok…now that we’ve got all that shit outta the way, let’s talk Indy.

Lots of cool stuff has been going on since the last time we met.

It’s the 100th Anniversary of the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, and there will be a three-year-long party in celebration! I used to think the weeklong birthday party for my little niece was overblown, but this takes the cake.

This year’s party will feature hot wind powered, lighter-than-air conveyances, and they will battle one another in various speed and skill contests.

This was tried once before, way back in olden times, and it went terribly wrong.

See…one of the lighter-than-air racing units, piloted by a ride-buying foreigner, (probably Martin Roth’s great-great GrandPappy), went out of control and crashed into the Third Turn shitters, causing incalculable damage and heinous loss of life. The bodies of the horribly mangled victims were buried in a secret mass grave at what is now the location of the Miller Lite Party Deck. This fact is not widely known because the IMS spin-doctors and cover-up professionals were hard at work…even back then.

During a full moon, it is said that one can hear the pitiful groans and protests of the ghosts of the victims. Please say a silent prayer for all of them.

There is also something mentioned in the 2009 Indy 500 Festivities schedule of events about a “Baboon Glow” going on. I’m not quite sure what this is all about, but it probably has something to do with imported monkeys from Chernobyl. I don’t see the connection, but apparently somebody smarter than me does, so who am I to say it is improper or imprudent to have irradiated monkey meat at the Citadel of Speed?




One of the most compelling stories for this year is the return of the disgruntled Canadian from Canadia…Paul Tracy. He got rooked real bad in 2002, apparently, so he’s out for a little payback. Paul will be running a sled from Jammy Billson’s stable, and will use its chromed horn to bump Helio, and anybody else, outta the way so he can legitimately taste the milk, get the ring and the Borg and the Pace Car, and all the hawt chicks.



Welcome back, Paul!

I like Paul Tracy. I think I would like to have many cold Molsons with him. Paul is mouthy and enraged. He runs his pie hole constantly, and doesn’t care what others think. He will be a great source of quotes and amusement this month. I wish him luck.

Another Paul making a grand return to Indy this year is broadcast legend Paul Page. He will take part in the radio broadcast of the race. That will be cool…just like olden times.

I can remember back a long time ago when Paul’s radio career took a nasty turn.

See…before his career went to unprecedented heights, he was paying his dues as a traffic reporter for WIBC/1070am radio here in Indy. He would fly around in the WhirlyBird and report all the traffic snarls and stuff.

One day, his helicopter suffered a catastrophic mechanical failure, and it plummeted to the ground at my high school’s football field. I had just finished up some kinda athletic team practice, and was exiting the building just after the crash. I was one of the first persons on the scene…other than the guy with a lit cigarette who climbed the fence and hurried to the aviation fuel soaked site.



Luckily, there was no hellish conflagration. Heroic firemen and medical technicians quickly rescued Paul and his pilot.

Mr. Page recovered nicely from his injuries, and is currently enjoying a revitalized broadcasting career as is evidenced by his participation in this year’s Indy 500.

Welcome back, Paul!

More coverage later…

Enjoy and get it on!