Most of you who have been paying attention know that I drive a tractor-trailer for a living.
I will not tell you the company…nor will I tell you exactly where I ply my trade…because I know some of you out there are donut-assaulting government spies or snitches and that you would use that information against me because you think I am a domesticated terrorist and then you would help set up an unconstitutional VIPER Team so that I would step off my porch and act warlike and get shot multiple times by jack booted thugs who would giggle maniacally as they did it.
Anyhoo…I received this little note in my paycheck last week regarding a new Federal law, commercial drivers, and the use of cell phones.
I don’t know why this shit bothers me, but it does.
Maybe it’s because I’m old and curmudgeonly and sensitive and I don’t like government assholes telling me what to do.
Maybe it’s because I hate talking on a fucking cell phone any damn way, and I avoid it at all costs.
Maybe it’s because…although I’m just a dumb-ass truck driver who makes more money than I ever dreamed and has earned the respect and admiration of the general public because I am like a chivalrous knight on the highways…I take pride in my work and I take it very seriously and I don’t need another fucking law to tell me what is and is not a good idea to do behind the wheel of a big rig.
I’ve been doing this shit for twenty years.
I don’t claim to know everything about my job, and I’m always willing to listen and learn new things.
But…why do I need another new law when there are already a multitude of laws regarding distracted driving?
If I were a mordant skeptic, I would almost think that this was Big Brother getting in my ass once again.
Or that maybe Big Brother cut a sweetheart deal with the expansive and evil BlueToof technology lobby.
Or that maybe it was another way for Government to fleece American trucking companies and their drivers through fines.
Or that maybe our Government hates American truck drivers and the American trucking industry, and that this is another way to regulate them into oblivion in order to make it easier for foreign companies and drivers to slide in and take over at slave wage rates.
But, to think like that would be crazy conspiracy theory shit, wouldn’t it?
All I know is that I had to buy a $60 plastic pygmy dick to jam in my ear so that when my boss calls and wants to know where the fuck I am I can be a good little serf and be compliant.
Maybe my company will reimburse me for being required by Federal law to purchase an anodized electronic cockroach to stuff in my head.
Maybe I will simply toss my cell phone and BlueToof device out the fucking window at 65 mph in some Midwestern state at 2 am while reciting blood-stirring Patrick Henry quotes to myself.
Or maybe not…