Monday, March 26, 2012

Indy Car 2012 Season Begins

Spring has sprung.

Bees are chirping.

Birds are buzzing.

A young man’s thoughts turn to silky toned tanned female flesh.

An old bastard like me starts thinking about open wheeled Indy Car excitement.

Some of you might be thinking, “Zoomie!  What the fuck is this shit?  Post a dark and depressing picture about mass graves or a story about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, or guns…or something.”

My reply would be, “Fuck you, Sparky!  Long before I got maniacal and blogged about politics and hate, I blogged about auto racing…and hate.  So eat me!”

The season has begun with the running of the Grand Prix of St. Petersburg down in Florida somewhere, and Teamster Penske yes-man and all-around fake motherfucker Helio Castroneves was victorious.

He climbed fences and patted a Dan Wheldon sign and feigned grief and remorse about last year’s tragic loss of the two-time Indy 500 champion.

I ain’t buying it.

Helio is a great driver and has made the Indy 500 his bitch, but Helio is also a high-ranking Teamster Penske employee.

Helio is like a shorter and more foreign cloned version of Roger Penske himself.

Everybody knows Penske executives are not human, have no feelings, and are basically sociopaths, so don’t give me a buncha emotional bullshit Teamster Penske sobbing about the passing of Dan Wheldon.

I guarantee Helio and every other shit-head Teamster Penske executive (and most of the IndyCar paddock) is ultimately thinking, “Better him than me.  That’s one less decent driver I have to worry about as competition. Thank fucking God that wasn’t me with a fence post through my cranium, but to show you what a great guy I am, I’ll bite my lip and hold and shake my helmeted head after I win a race this year.”


It is great drama, and God knows Indy Car racing is all about drama. 

I expect this Wheldon Mania to last all season.  I just hope they don’t over do it this May at my racetrack here in Indianapolis.

Somebody’ll get hurt if it happens.


In other IndyCar news, the new cars have finally been run in righteous indignant anger.

When the new car design first came out, we were told it would put the driver back into the equation.

The driver would actually have to drive the car…finesse that motherfucker…and weed out the wanna-be's and Dr. Jack "Kevorkian" Millers of the series.

Not as much down force meant actually lifting in the corners on a high-speed oval…

Recent testing indicates they have the balance and setups to where the new car is similar to the old car now as far as handling and down force.

So…which is it?

Is it a driver’s car, or is it full-tilt boogie all around Indy without lifting in the corners?

I guess we shall see…

Fucking hell these new rigs are ugly, and everybody thought the old ones were bad.

But...I guess it coulda been much worse.  We coulda got this hideous piece of shit...

The new sleds look like the bumper cars at Great Times Family Fun Center...totally computer generated and ergonomic…designed with your safety in mind.

A rear bumper…on an IndyCar?

Negro please.

Dan Gurney vomits.

Look, assholes.  Open wheel auto racing is dangerous as fuck, and everybody involved with it knows it.

It is razor’s edge “Holy-Fuck-I’m-Gonna-Die” dangerous…and the drivers have ‘nads the size of the Hoover Dam…and that’s why we love it.

Fucking admit it…

Way back a long time ago a famous author who later suck-started a Mossberg said something about bull fighting, auto racing, and mountain climbing being the only real manly sports.

Word up…


So…how’s about we design an Indy car that is esthetically pleasing to the eye and creates sexual excitement and not worry about lawyers and idiot-proofing this shit?

Mmmkay?  Thanks.

Indy cars have three different engines this year…Chevrolet, Lotus, and Honda…and they are using turbo-chargers for the first time in decades.

This is good.

I approve of diversity…and turbo-charging.

All internal combustion engines should have turbo-chargers…even my Craftsman lawn mower.

That’s what I think.

Racing engines, however, should not have mufflers.

Racing engines should be violently and obnoxiously loud and should make one wince and snarl and smile all at the same time.

So far as I could discern from the TV broadcast, the racing engines in the new Indy Car are not loud enough to suit me.

But, then again, who could tell with the ridiculous non-stop banter from announcers Marty Reid and Scott Goodyear?

Somebody needs to tell these two jerk-offs to shut the fuck up every now and then so that we...the valued viewing public…can hear the sweet sweet sounds of a screeching racing engine.

There have been a couple of notable changes in the Indy Car paddock this year.

Danica Patrick-Hospenthal and her man Paul hit the road for NASCAR, but we are still treated to her and her sultry lesbian friend’s Go-Daddy ads…where we get to watch the two of them apply body paint to a third quivering, oiled-down, gutter-slut and prance around a sound stage half naked while retarded men fall all over themselves in fake sexual distraction.

Give it a rest, whores.

You ain’t all that…and you never were.


Another notable change to the Indy Car paddock is Rubens Barrichello.

If you recall, Rubens was in Formula One as Michael Schumacher’s lick-spittle at Ferrari…dominating for many years where they cheated and pulled over for one another and “by-your-leaved” each other so they could win many races.

I saw this shit happen…in person with my own two eyes…on my racetrack at the United States Grand Prix at Indy one year.

I was disgusted then, and I am still disgusting.

I will never forget it, and I will never forgive Rubens for taking part in such a fiasco.

Funny thing is…both Rubens Barrichello and Michael Schumacher are now washed-up has beens as evidenced by the fact that Michael doesn’t drive for Ferrari anymore, and Rubens is slummin’ it in Indy Car.

Serves them right, the big cheating dopes.

Anyhoo…that’s about all I have for now regarding the 2012 Indy Car season.

I look forward to the oval tracks and Indianapolis where the new rig will really get to show what it’s made of.

See you at Indy.



  1. Zoomie,I love ya man! But I like painted up gutter whores and GMC blowers big ones like 8-71's other than that,total agreement!!Turbos bah!
    Just screwing with ya I like drag racing!


  2. Zoom, Ya got that whole narrative right, ain't fun watching open-wheeled racers that ain't got open wheels, pretty soon they will be driving 68 Dodge Darts with the slant six automatics because of driver safety, blah give me the old Dan Gurney ol' 31 anyold time, that was when men were men and knew they may not be coming home on Monday if they screwed up on the track.

  3. I posted a link to your drivel on TF.

    I suspect much crying will ensue shortly.

    You suck.

    1. Oh goody! It will go over like a bum with dysentery squatting over the punch bowl at the victory banquet.

  4. Way back a long time ago a famous author who later suck-started a Mossberg said something about bull fighting, auto racing, and mountain climbing being the only real manly sports.

    That's a damn fine Hemingway reference.

    1. It would've been if Ernest Hemingway would've actually said or wrote that.

      I'm pretty sure there is a thought behind all the profanity, I just haven't spotted it yet. Contemporary for sure, though.

    2. Please regale me with some of your literary genius.

  5. why don't you leave just a little more space between the lines next time? i believe blow it out your ass, scumbag would be a typical retort brought by ignorance.. you have any links to add to this linquistical drivel? i would say be wary of the new regime and the newagers but neither have the skills to pick up your brass.. so pineapples n cups must do.

    1. Yeah...I remember my first trip.
      Initially, I didn't know whether I wanted to punch you in the face or thank you for this reply.
      After a little detective work, I discovered who you are. I had forgotten your intardnets handle.
      Zoomie don't mess with Tejas.

  6. Damnit! I missed the first race of the season.
    Oh, employer has excellent seats and pit passes for the Long Beach race, and if I'm reeeal lucky, I might win them this year.
    And I agree about Dan Gurney and his Eagle.
    They just don't make 'em (cars or drivers) like that naymore.

  7. To all you Trackforum folks, and anyone else who got their skivvies in a bind over this piece:

    I told you people several years ago that I was going to post more edgy shit here at my blog out of respect for Trackforum and its administrators who have treated me like a king over the years.

    I told you then that I was not going to censor myself…that I was going to let fly…and that if you didn’t like it, you didn’t have to read it.

    You were warned then, you were warned yesterday when 9Rows posted that link, and you are warned every time you visit my blog about “objectionable content” with the animated image on the upper left sidebar.

    It might be good if you also read my “Mission Statement” on the right sidebar.

    Yes. I am rough around the edges.
    Yes. I was raised by wolves.
    Yes. I am profane.

    But…if you and I have met in person, you probably think I’m kind of an OK guy, and I probably think the same about you.

    If you are my friend, you know that I would give you the shirt off my back, and that I would take a bullet for you.

    I blog because it is one of the few freedoms I have remaining, and to write what I want makes my heart soar on the silvery wings of eagles.

    If you enjoy my style, great. Thanks.

    If you don’t, fucking deal with it or be gone.

    I don’t give a shit either way.

    I came up with this piece as I awakened from a deep sleep Monday morning following the race.

    Then…I wrote it and posted it.

    I had no intentions of linking to it at Trackforum, because I knew it would cause a minor shit-storm…and I had nothing to do with 9Rows linking to it at TF. I found out about it after the fact.

    Your righteous indignation, after having been warned numerous times about offensive content, is wildly amusing to me.

    Lastly, I think it would be beneficial for some of you to look up the definitions of “satire” and “sarcasm.”

    Bites, don’t it?

    Down the road, Jack.

    1. kinda bites when you have to splain youself on your own blog..

      never the less you may have shaken up some brain cells..

    2. you don't owe an explanation zoomie

      but you are still a tool


  8. Come on man, tell us what you really think about it!

  9. I think we need you, come on over and join the fun.

    1. Yes, Fuck Spicles!!! That is always an acceptable response. I don't care what the question is.

    2. What grungex censoring, no threads locked/yanked. Political incorrectness is always welcome. Join us.

  10. Just wondering if there will be more stalking pics of Zoomie wandering IMS this year?


  11. That Helio act was scripted. Fake bastard. waaaa waaaa . . .



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