Thursday, March 8, 2012

A T-Shirt I'd Like To See

Actually, I AM going to see it because I just made one for me at my custom Zoomie Shirt Shack on the intardwebs and I should be wearing it on my trembling and emaciated body within a week.

It will be a one-of-a-kind shirt from my private collection unavailable anywhere at any price because of two reasons:

A-  I can't sell it to the public due to the fact that Mickey Mouse is on there without permission, and I don't need Walt Disney's zombie corpse to beat me to death in a dark alley somewhere and devour what's left of my brain.

2- I kinda stole the remainder of the design from another guy who really shouldn't be toyed with because he has vast and terrifying knife-fighting skills that he learned in a Magna Carta dobro.

And if there's one thing I've learned in nearly fifty years, it's that you don't fuck with a dude armed with the blueprint for Western civilization, a knife, and a guitar...unless you smile and giggle a lot as you do it.

Some of you might be saying, "Zoomie!  It is offensive to the general public to be wearing clothes depicting a boorish cartoon rodent flipping the world the bird.  You are a crass Yankee asshole with no manners.  If you wore that shirt south of the Mason-Dixon Line, you would be shot numerous times and clandestinely fed to the hogs."

My reply?

Lookie here, Rhett.  I'm not gonna wear this stupid thing to church services, my kids' school functions, or the Ladies Auxiliary formal tea.

Give me a little credit...

I'll save it for special the shooting range, Occupy Wall Street gatherings, or court appearances.



Well...looks like the crew at my custom Zoomie Shirt Shack on the intardwebs has gone all Commie on me.

I got an email from them last night saying my design "conflicts with one or more of our acceptable content guidelines," and that they would not ship my T-shirt.

It's probably some kinda copyright thing with Mickey Mouse or something, but I don't recall Disney having a shit-fit when the design was used during the Iran hostage crisis back in the 70s.

Or maybe flipping the bird is considered obscene?

Or maybe the "III/Resist" is copy-written? 

Fuck if I know.

They didn't clarify.

I think I'll try my other design and see if they let it slide through.

If not, fuck them and their shirts too.



Fuck these assholes at Zazzle.

They refused my second design.

I sent them the following e-mail, and I will now stomp my feet and walk away from them like a petulant child who didn't get his way.


Here's an idea...

How about being more specific when you refuse a design? 

Don't tell me you don't have time. 

You are taking the time to look at a design and research and nit-pick every little detail.

Therefore, you have time to type a few words pointing out the offending detail.

I can go through your site and find all kinds of items that are offensive to me or are obviously "borrowed."

I am of the opinion that my conservative and belligerent designs are ruffling a few feathers out there in Kalifornia and are getting yanked for reasons other than "copyright" infringement, "
an individual’s rights of celebrity/publicity," or "obscenity."

I am done with you.


Paul Johnson

Anybody know of a place on the intardnets that will print my cartoonish and crappy shit without asking a lot of stupid fucking questions?


  1. Wear it. Fuck'm if they don't like it.

  2. I like it : ) But you knew that already...

  3. I have to ask; What is the obsession with the short-pants'd white gloved rat? Is it a latent Michael Jackson issue? A rodent phobia, lessened by anthropomorphism? A fondness for cheese, gone too far? What?! What is it?
    You can tell me, or not. Either way, I'm sure I'll eventually hear about it through word-of-mouse.

    1. You ask too many questions, and I suspect you are in the gubmint's employ.

  4. That's not true. And don't make anything out of the fact that I obtained your retina scan, fingerprints, DNA profile, two fingernail clippings, and a hair follicle. It means nothing. Go about your business in a calm orderly fashion. There is nothing to see here...

  5. I think I like Annie's skillz.


  6. Not the best quality (although certainly not the worst), but I'm pretty sure will print whatever the fuck you want.


Feel free to comment away with your bad-ass selves.

Cursing and foul language is fine...even encouraged here. In fact, I think cussing is fucking wonderful.

Just remember...this is MY house, and I will not be insulted or maliciously messed with here.

Good-natured ribbing is cool, but if you and I don't have some kind of previous relationship, you had best mind your fucking manners or I will relegate you to the intardnets dustbin for being a cunt.

To know me is to love me.

Or something.