Friday, January 4, 2013

A Half-Grin And A Gleam In The Eye

I wanna tell y’all a story about the house-man blues.
I come home one particular Friday and had to tell the landlady I done lost my job.
She said, “That don't confront me, as long as I get my money next Friday.”
Now…next Friday come I didn't get the rent, and out the mother-fuckin’ door I went.


That’s not the story I wanna tell y'all.  That’s a Johnny Lee Hooker/George Thorogood song.

I got my ass kicked once.  Once...

The story I wanna tell y'all is true.  

It happened way back in olden times when I was in high school.

It is kinda like a parable or a fable, and maybe you can learn something from it and apply it to what’s going down today.

I’m pretty sure I was Senior at the time.

I was tall, but I couldn’t have weighed more than a buck thirty soaking wet, with a neck that looked like a crooked stack of dimes.

I was not an imposing figure.

I still ain’t.

There was this one kid…I’ll call him Scotty…an under-classman, whom I didn’t think showed the proper respect and deference due me.

He was short and stocky and somebody I thought would be easy pickings.

I was a Senior.  A member of the “King-Shit Club.”  Seniors rule!  All must bow down to us!  


This Scotty kid didn’t get the memo, and for some reason I felt that I needed to put him in his place.

Now…why I felt it was my duty to do this, I have no earthly idea.

Maybe it was youthful exuberance and the feelings of superiority and invincibility and hormones and stuff like that.

I dunno.

My old man hated a bully, and he beat it into me at an early age that he would not cotton to me being one.

I guess I was hardheaded, and had to learn some lessons first-hand.

Anyhoo...after a couple of days of thinking about Scotty and how much it pissed me off that he was mouthy and smart with a much-vaunted Senior, I decided I’d had enough and that today was “show-time.”

Between classes, I noticed Scotty in the hallway.

As we passed each other, I threw a shoulder into him, hoping to start some shit.

He spun around and said something like, “Hey mother-fucker!  What’s your problem?”

I said, “You’re my problem, asshole!”

We were about six feet apart.

I threw my handful of books to the floor and advanced on him.

He squared up.

He had kinda a sly half-grin on his face and a gleam in his eye…as if to say, “I didn’t ask for this, and I really don’t want to do this, but keep coming and I’m really gonna kinda enjoy this.”

It was unfortunate for me that at that point in my life I didn’t pay real close attention to the ways of the world and to body language and to the little hints folks give off when shit starts getting froggy.

Looking back on it now, I didn’t read Scotty very well at all.

I never saw that shit coming, and to this day I don’t even remember which fist he used.

He popped me hard right square in the mouth, and sent me reeling.

My glasses went flying and were merrily kicked down the hallway by my loving classmates.

I got my shit together in about three seconds, and then it was like the Charge of the Light Brigade.

I banzai-rushed Scotty, knocked him to the floor, got him in a headlock, and proceeded to wail on his face like it was a piñata.

It was too fucking late, because Mr. Smith, the history teacher and ex-Marine, broke it up before I exacted a satisfying amount of my (un)just vengeance.

My upper lip was splattered all over my face, and I was leaking like a mother-fucker all over the floor and myself.

I don’t remember if it was this incident or some fucking movie I’ve seen, but I seem to recall that Scotty said something like, “Yeah!  Fuck with me again asshole and you’ll taste more of your own blood!”

What a fucking dumbass I was. 

This had to be the low point…up to that time…of my pretty much unremarkable and disgraceful life.

I tried to bully a kid and got my clocked publicly cleaned for my troubles.

I was humiliated and felt ashamed of my actions and the way the West was really won.

Wait…that last part was a Mellencamp song.

Forget that part.

I went to the restroom and cleaned myself up the best I could.

My shit was fucked up, and I wanted to crawl under a fucking rock and disappear.

Mr. Smith came into the restroom and asked me if I was OK, but I don’t remember what I said to him.

I just knew I had to get the fuck out of that school as fast as I could.

We weren’t allowed to just leave the school whenever we wanted, but I said ‘fuck it’ and didn’t care.

I bolted, but I came back to school later in the day because I knew if my folks got wind of me cutting classes or ditching they’d be pissed off royally.

So there I am at school the rest of the day with my head down and trying to hide my swollen mouf.

Gawddamn that was embarrassing!  I don’t think I’ve ever felt like such a colossal dickhead since.

I’ve come close a time or two.


Anyhoo…I found out later on that this Scotty cat was a Junior Golden Gloves Boxing Champion or some shit like that!


Can somebody out there please pass on pertinent info like that?

This would have been great intel to have prior to my engagement with Scotty.

I would have changed my tactics, perhaps.

Or not…

I ran into Scotty on the streets of my small town a few years later.

As I walked up to him, I could tell he was a little bit wary of me.

I said, “Hey Scotty!  Remember me?  The guy whose ass you kicked at school?  Just wanted to tell you…I had that shit coming ‘cuz I was an asshole.  I ain’t mad atcha.  No hard feelings.”

I don’t remember what his reply was.

Hells bells.  I think we even shook hands.

I’ve never been the kinda guy who holds a grudge.

Now…some of you might be saying, “Zoomie!  What the fuck is this rambling bullshit?  You were a punk douche-bag when you were a kid and you got your ass kicked something proper!  Then you kissed Scotty’s ass and groveled like the big pussy you are!  So what?  How does this crap relate to what’s going down today?  Fuck you.  You suck.  Please hurry up and die already!  Asshole.”

Whatever.  Guilty, I suppose.

But…as I think about the commie-libs and their looming attempts to further regulate firearms and wipe their collective asses with the Bill of Rights and the Second Amendment, my point is this:

Don’t start nuthin,’ won’t be nuthin.’

Don’t under-estimate your opponent.

Beware of the sly half-grin and the twinkle in the eye, ‘cuz very bad shit could be heading your way.

I get the feeling that the Patriots and gun-owners of this nation are saying to themselves, “I didn’t ask for this, and I really don’t want to do this, but…as sick as it may sound…keep coming…and I’m really gonna kinda enjoy this.”

Folks seem to be resigned and resolved to what’s coming, and it don’t confront them none.

With a half-grin and a gleam in the eye…


  1. Saw something at a gun show here last weekend that would have given " Them " cause for some serious soul searching.Parking lot`s at the scene where packed , the service road`s were lined on both side`s for a mile. Most of the customer`s went straight to certain vendor`s table`s got what they were looking for and left. No laughing and joking whatsoever. I went back over there about 10;00am Sunday morning ,met a vendor I`ve bought odd`s and end`s from leaving , " Your leaving allready ? " .." Yeah I`m sold out ".Katie bar the door. This is gonna get wild.

    1. The atmosphere at the gun show was rather somber, eh? I get it. I can relate. I know the feeling.

    2. Yep. Same deal yesterday & today at a show near Salt Lake City: maxed out parking, attendees packed to the rafters, good stuff selling out really fast, lots of people making private deals/trades, etc. I guess most of America has just decided to take up plinking, eh? Be safe out there...

    3. Getting similar reports out here in Commiefornia. This is not panic buying.....the American people are getting ready for war.

  2. Nicely put Walter. Liked it so much I linked it to may facebook page, not that I ever login to my facebook page or anything.

  3. Shit, bro. If you are who I think you are, you remember this shit because it happened right in front of your locker!

  4. Yep. Like Blue says, "True Dat."
    Miss V

  5. I think these two songs go along with your thoughts.

    Have a good weekend.

  6. Half grin and gleam, yeah, I got those. Just keep on comin' motherfuckers...

  7. Damn, how can you match those pics with writing? That's gotta be some kind of record or first or something This is an easy early nomination for Post of the Year 2014.

    I'm trying to figure out the lesson. I think it's everybody be how they is. Is that close? Heckuva job, Zoomie.

    1. Jimbo:

      I know what you're saying, as my English and literature teachers used to ask me the same thing about my writing!

      "This doesn't make any sense. What does this have to do with that? What's the connection? Why is this here?"

      These were all comments made by my teachers about my disjointed, confusing, disconnected "style."

      I blame it on pot smoking and gazing at album cover art, liner notes, and song lyrics and trying to make sense of it all.

      Yes. I am one fucked up dude.

    2. Stream of (un)consciousness, man.........

  8. "I get it"..he said with a half grin and gleam in his eye while applying Break Free to the bolt carrier of his HK-91, and loading 50 mags with 1/4 tracer and AP.
    "I get it".

  9. Right, this post is laughable.
    Anti-Constitutionalists know they can do whatever they want and American gun owners will simply obey.
    Gold? Outlawed, and what did you do to stop?
    Slavery? Sheckled with debt, what did you do to prevent it?
    Rampant drug abuse and immorality, what did you do to slow it down?
    Ruby Ridge, Waco, did you even think about it?

    1. Yeah? Well...maybe this time it'll be different.

  10. We shall see. Their gonna make what, 30 or 40 million gun owners leave the reservation, metaphorically...

    Ones like me that'll simply take every opportunity to screw with and screw the gubmint out of its lifeblood.

    Cross the line and try to bring us back and there will a cost. To those that drive the "train".

    Jeff B.

  11. There's a gun show this weekend at the Cobb County Civic Center. I didn't go because I figured it would be crowded. Crowded turned out to be a poor choice of words. As they reported on TV last night, the line waiting to get in was over 1,000 long for most of the day. I wonder how many dealers won't show up today because they have nothing left to sell?

    Do they really think all those folks are pissing away millions of dollars today just to meekly turn it in or spend millions more in NFA stamps a year or so from now?

    Are they really that stupid?

    1. I think they really are that stupid. If they want me to register my AR's as machine guns, they will be machine guns in short order. As a FFL holder, I can order all the parts I need, legally. If Fineswine and her ilk want a shooting war, I think they could get their wish.

  12. W.Z.: It's A-OK to be a fucked up dude in the eyes of the "normal." I realized that I was not like everybody else too (no, not like gay) but I finally understood when I heard the album "Heretics and Priveteers" by John Kay of Steppenwolf fame. There are those who buy in to the Establishment guano and those who don't. Yes we are heretics and privateers. And for some astounding musical prophecy check out "The Ostrich" written in 1968 and more true today tha it was then.

  13. I went to a gunshow yesterday too. The prices were insane but people were paying them. I saw one guy with three cases of 7.62x39 he'd bought at $390 a case...
    The real eye-opener was the mood of the shoppers: Strictly business. no laughing or joking. No standing around swapping lies. Just buy what you need and get out. A lot of small concealable pistols were sold too, though not as many of the bigger framed guns.
    People are preparing for war.

  14. Good post, Zoomie.

    You deserved that ass whoopin.

    You still weigh a buck-thirty.

    Hope you're doing well, friend.

    1. Dear Violent Extremist:

      I beg your pardon. I now weigh a whopping buck-sixty. It is all muscle, fat, and bluff...and I take no more ass-beatings 'cuz I is old, armed, and polite.

      Doing peachy, thanks, and livin' the dream. I hope you are the same.

  15. I understand the old, armed and polite bit. Buck-sixty? Bullshit. Buck-fourty, maybe.


    1. I been eatin' a lot of ice cream and pizza...and I just weighed myself. 160 it is, smart ass. ;)


Feel free to comment away with your bad-ass selves.

Cursing and foul language is fine...even encouraged here. In fact, I think cussing is fucking wonderful.

Just remember...this is MY house, and I will not be insulted or maliciously messed with here.

Good-natured ribbing is cool, but if you and I don't have some kind of previous relationship, you had best mind your fucking manners or I will relegate you to the intardnets dustbin for being a cunt.

To know me is to love me.

Or something.