Sunday, August 4, 2013

My Take On The Recent Flying Death Truck Of Satan Incident: Update! Now With Exclusive Forensic Video Evidence! Holy Shit!

The following is pure, unadulterated speculation.

Some of you might be saying, "Zoomie!  You weren't there.  You don't know shit from apple butter!  Shut up and die quickly!"

I know.

I suck.


As a professional big rig steering wheel holder of nearly 20 years, something doesn't seem right about this story.

I pass through this exact area a couple of times a day, five days a week on my way to and from Cincinnati.

I am very familiar with this interstate and this interchange.

The US 421/I-74 interchange itself has a huge geographical footprint.  The junction is updated, modern, and pretty much idiot-proofed with long, wide, sweeping entrance and exit ramps due to the needs of the nearby Honda assembly plant.

General overview of the launch pad location...

To fuck up at this location in broad daylight under the ideal conditions present would take extreme talent.

The truck driver who crashed said he was forced off the road by a car that was moving into his lane.

I will assume the truck was in the right lane of I-74 and the car was moving from the left lane to the right on the semi truck, because the opposite scenario would have forced the semi into the middle grassy median, and would physically make no sense with the evidence on hand and where the crash happened.

Anyhoo…I can believe a car may have forced the semi off the road.  I see stoopid shit like that all the time.

But what happened afterwards doesn’t add up.

Click to enlarge if you want.  Or not...

If you look at my graphic you’ll see a large grassy area to the right of the travel lanes of I-74 at the junction.  I’d guesstimate that area to be about 200 yards.  Maybe more.  And at the end of that grassy area is an uphill embankment to US421.

Now watch the video of the crash and the flight of Satan’s Death Truck.

That is a conventional semi tractor with a huge sleeper and, from what I understand, a flatbed load of fucking bricks.  I’ll speculate further and guess the combined weight of that bastard was in excess of 60,000 lbs., and that mother-fucker gets major air!

How gawdamned fast do you suppose Billy Big-Rigger had to be going to take 200+ yards of grassy area, up that embankment, through a guardrail, fly over damn-near two lanes of US421, and through another guardrail before landing and exploding?

Cocksucker had to be moving at an enormous rate to carry that much momentum through all of that without scrubbing off major speed.

So…why so fast?

Stuck throttle/cruise control?  Maybe, but I ain’t buying it.  Nobody has claimed this happened.

That shit doesn’t happen as often as people think, but if it does happen, there’s all kinds of shit an attentive driver can do to make things right, so I ain’t buying that excuse either.

I had a cruise control unexplainably start accelerating on me once.  All I had to do was tap the brake or switch the cruise control off and all was right with the world.

Worst case, one can just shut the engine off.

Brakes failed?   Run-away truck?

Sell it to the Air Force, Mayonnaise.  Sell it to the Air Force.   

This area ain’t the fucking Rocky Mountains.  It’s as flat as a pancake, so this guy didn’t overheat his brakes.  Besides, lots of times when brakes fail on big rigs, they lock-the-fuck-up and one comes to a screeching-ass halt most ricky-tick.  I’ve had this happen to me at least a half dozen times.

Here’s what I think is the most likely scenario.

This super-trucker had his head up his ass and was going too fast, woke up, got into a situation way over his head, and tried to “save it” by accelerating and driving out of his predicament.

Or, maybe the driver was a chivalrous white knight of the highway and chose to sacrifice himself (and his son who was in the sleeper) in order to save the life of the idiot car driver who was coming over on him.


All I have to say is this.

Drive defensively.

Sometimes, it may be better to tap that car back into its lane.

If you are too inattentive, self-absorbed, discourteous, and ignorant to operate a motor vehicle safely, I personally will not sacrifice myself and drive off the road to save your stupid ass.

I am bigger and heavier than you, and I will win.  I will do what I can to keep from killing you (this I achieve by driving defensively, maintaining a buffer zone, and being painfully alert at all times), but I will not put myself in unnecessary danger because of your imbecility.

If it comes right down to you or me...guess what?

You are going in the ditch.

Not me. 

Cleansing the gene pool…and I wanna go home at the end of my run.

No.  I am not chivalrous.

I suck.

__________ I drove through the area Sunday afternoon and took this shitty video to get some kind of idea where our hero went off the road and to see if my guesstimations of what happened were anywhere near close to being right.

Regarding my initial speculative analysis, I think I did OK.

Yes...I sound like a ridge-runner, and The Beatles "Loser" playing in the background is frighteningly ironic and funny all at the same time!

Judging by the tire tracks, he went off the road right about where I thought.

I saw no skid marks on the pavement.

The tire tracks in the grass were relatively straight leading up to the embankment, and he nosed that rig between the light pole and the rock pile.

Those are big as cantalopes...not gravel as some have said.

The grassy area where old boy splashed down was all greasy and burned up.  I understand the rig overturned when it landed, but I can't verify that as fact.

I still think our boy had his head firmly and decidedly burrowed up his own ass at the time of this crash.

He went spastic, but at least he was spectacular.

Anyhoo...I find it interesting to look at bits and pieces of evidence and try to figure out what may have happened.

I am a pseudo-genius and I should have been a forensic pathologist.

I am like Quincy, or some shit...

With guns.

And anger.



Final update...

I have a neighbor who has a friend who was driving behind our hero when he had his little off-course excursion.

This witness pulled over and assisted the truck driver and his son, and spoke with the cops about what happened.

This witness said our hero flat out missed the curve on the interstate, and that there were no other cars around him.

In other words, our hero was not forced off the road.

The asshole fell asleep.

That's what I think.


  1. Thanks for your insights :) When I first saw the air he got going over that overpass I figured he had to be going pretty damn fast to get that much air!

  2. Ya know what? I think you may be onto something here Walter ...

    Something is seriously fisshy about his story. I realize that running off into the grass can be like trying to stop on ice ... but this dood looks like he had it mashed to the frickin' floorboard climbing up the embankment.

  3. I am not an OTR driver, but even with my limited knowledge of semis, my bullshit detector went of at the story he came up with. Your view is much more plausible.

  4. WOW... what's going on out there..

    Check out this one:

    1. I saw that. He was spectacular as well. Both should get citations for "failure to control," except one is graveyard giving him a ticket wouldn't help matters much, I expect. :)

  5. I am sorry I missed your assessment of these events, don't know what happened, nope don't read newspapers or watch tv, but when someone who drives this very road all the time tells it like it is, or as he thinks it is, I listen. Nice job bud..........;-)

  6. - Bad ass review, Walter. I too think the story told by this sketchy jockey is lacking in plausible fact. That much weight and that much air? No way. Looks like something Super Dave would attempt with his same and usual sad, sad result - Moton1

  7. Pseudo-Genius? Bullshit. You're The Man, Zoomie!


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