Wednesday, September 17, 2014

More Jury Duty Tomfoolery

...but this time it's my lovely wife.

You'll notice the State has changed the format of the summons.

"You are ORDERED to call..."


There was a time when Americans didn't take too kindly to being ordered to do much of anything, especially by government shit-heads.


Are we all fucking slaves now?


...and if we refuse to comply with the State order, we are found in contempt and face fines and, ultimately, armed government goons?'s an HONOR to serve as a juror.  Says so right there on the summons.


An honor... honor to be ordered around and threatened by the almighty State.

Bend over and take it, knave.

...and be thankful.

Now...some of you might be saying, "Zoomie!  You would be the first guy to whine and bitch for a jury trial when you finally get popped for spewing threatening anti-government filth on the intardnets.  But here you are...crying again about getting called up for jury duty.  You suck!  Hurry up and eat a shotgun already!"

First of all, they'll never take me alive.

Second of all, I don't own a shotgun...or any firearm, for that matter.  I got rid of my guns when I found out they were dangerous and scary.  In return, the nice government man gave me a WalMart gift card which I redeemed for a red Snuggie and a bag of caramel apples.

When they come for me, I will bludgeon the jackboots with my teddy bear.

And besides, it's my old lady who got the summons this time.

I did my part.  It's her turn.

No word yet whether or not she'll go all Nathan Hale on them downtown.

I kinda doubt she will...but then again, she's pretty pissed right now because the summons is gonna fuck up her Fall Break plans.

Who knows?

She's a lot nicer than I am.

Them's the ones you gotta watch.


  1. Print 15 or so copies of the mickey picture and the gfy picture, and have your wife take them to the selection, she'll be excused quickly, I think.

    Dude. Really? Caramel apples for noise makers? You could have picked up four lego sets and some nerf footballs. Go stand in the corner and reflect on your misdeeds.

  2. Ask the Misses to make you a smammich before she goes for the selection. You never know when she might get back from the "honorable" duty (sequestered).
    But on another note never saw the word "Ordered" before on a jury summons. That kinda upsets my stomach a little and makes my ass pucker a bit.

  3. Have her wear a "Zoomie, Fuck off and die already" TShirt... should get her off,or I am with stupid tshirt...

  4. "We're gonna force you to act as if you consented."

    Jim Klein over at WRSA said in one sentence what I tried to say here in an entire blog post and failed.

    I suck. :(

  5. We have the same system, here in Palm Beach County, Florida... No big deal, I called, late afternoon, at 5:30, for 3 days in a row, at the end of last year, each time being told I was not needed, but to call again the next day. After the third day, I was released from jury duty. I just turned 70... after 70 they can't call you anymore, although, you can volunteer! And I know one or two people who do.

  6. This is what happens when you register to vote. I think. My jury duty a few years back was cancelled at the last minute, after making plans with work for my absence.

    Best way to get out of this. Appear before the court dressed nicely, speaking proper English, and carrying a copy of Mein Kampf or Boston's Gun Bible.


Feel free to comment away with your bad-ass selves.

Cursing and foul language is fine...even encouraged here. In fact, I think cussing is fucking wonderful.

Just remember...this is MY house, and I will not be insulted or maliciously messed with here.

Good-natured ribbing is cool, but if you and I don't have some kind of previous relationship, you had best mind your fucking manners or I will relegate you to the intardnets dustbin for being a cunt.

To know me is to love me.

Or something.