Monday, May 24, 2010

Part 13- My Humongous Astronomical 2010 Indy 500 Blog Mess: Practice And Qualifications Wrap-up

This is sorta like a part of my practice/qualifications wrap up report thing.

I may write more. I may not. Who’s to say? If I make this shit similar to work, it ain’t no fun. And if it ain’t no fun, it ain’t no good. Maybe.

We had lots of rain during the week and it was cold too.

Then, for qualifications, it was Africa Hot and many formerly shiny and fast Indy racers made wrong mistakes and turned right and crashed. But, all the real and talented teams put their shattered rigs back together and managed to put their cars in the field.

I salute all the skilled technicians who thrashed day and night, and I will not heave their exhausted and smelly carcasses in front of speeding large commercial vehicles.

The new qualification setup forced the top nine drivers to go out and risk certain death innumerable times for my entertainment….which is the way it should be.

My entertainment is of paramount importance.

This new format was supposed to draw untold millions of new fans and make them all piss themselves with excitement. The crowd looked just about the same to me, and folks in the stands seemed interested in the proceedings, but I couldn’t say if replacement undergarments were needed during the process.

In the long run, even with the new format, there were really no surprises. Penske and Target dominated pretty much.

Helio Castroneves continues to make Indy his bitch. I’m not prepared to call him the all-time King of Indy, but he is untouchable at Indy in the current sled. Come race day, and with a little luck, he will be the next 4-time winner…but he’ll still not be Rick Mears or AJ Foyt or Al Unser. This fact is indisputable.

Tony Kanaan wadded up two racecars during quals, but managed to make it into the field. TK starts way back in the back, so he’ll probably drone around all day in 25th place until one of his unskilled fellow participants puts him into the fence. TK’s Indy snake-bit ways continue, and I no longer automatically pick him to win it this year. Too many negatives to overcome. Maybe next year.

Danica Hospenthal opened her big fat mouth and caused many of her former fans to boo and throw rotten tomatoes. She cried and whined after her fecal-like racer scared her during quals. She said her feelings were hurt. Boo-Hoo. Real Indy racers don’t cry about poor performance, and they don’t bitch about subsequent treatment from fans. Shut your hole and drive. You don’t know what Indy means.

Sarah Fisher made it. Ana Beatriz made it. Simona DeSilvestro made it. And they are all pretty much real racecar drivers, sorta generally more attractive in all categories than you, and good sports about this whole thing. They know what Indy means, and I would rather have cold beers in Turn Three with any of them than you. Bye!

The rest of team Andretti made it, but they are probably still scratching their heads. A hot race day could spell doom for them if they don’t get things sorted.

My good buddy Paul Tracy didn’t make the race because Team Vasser made a dumb decision to try to re-qualify, and the car was unsafe at any speed. PT hanged it all out and dirt-tracked his racing unit in the turns, but could not find enough speed in the hot and greasy conditions. I bet Team Vasser fires their transmission specialist who fucked up on Saturday. That’s what I think.

I guess now PT has more time for an interview with me, but he had his chance and blew that too. I got more important shit to do now, like work the next couple of days, then prepare and execute Indy 500 party activities. Down the road, Jack. Maybe next year.

Alex Tagliani put his low budget shoe string team solidly in the show and had a shot at The Pole for a while until the evil Teamster Peskey showed up. Good job Team Tags! Then, as a sign of goodwill and payback from last year, Tags put Bruno “Blinky” Junqueira into the backup car, and he put it in the show with almost no practice. Awesome performance, Blinky!

Team Tags is the feel good story of Indy this year. I am pulling for them in the race.

Team Dreyer and Reinbold put all four of their rigs in the race early on. I am very impressed with this. It won’t be too long before Team Dreyer and Reinbold bitch slaps Penske and Ganassi. I will take great pleasure in this if it ever happens, because I always root for the little guy and the underdog, and I hate bullies. Good luck on race day!

Team Panther put both of their cars into race, even though Dan Wheldon forgot where the pits were early in the week and crashed. Danny won it once. He could do it again.

Hell…Ed Carpantier put his sled into the top nine. Effing awesome! Ed knows his way around Indy, regardless of what the haters say. He drives smart and is capable, and has shown he knows how to stay in the running and stick around until the end. He is my dark-horse pick. The haters would shit themselves to see Ed drink the milk! It could happen.

No Milk ‘n’ Donuts this year. I couldn’t be more pleased.

More later.



  1. I like the uncensored version better than the kiddie friendly track forum version.

  2. You are very comical. And humorous. And hysterical. Sort of. Hello from New Jersey, you have a contingent of fans here who hang on your every syllable. Please don't make fun of us as we gave the world one of the best EVER...Mark Donohue. He knew what Indy meant and knew that THERE IS NO CRYING IN INDY RACING. Please continue regaling us with your funny blog-type thang.

  3. Dear Anonymous in New Jersey:

    Thank you for your kind words.

    I never slag on New Jersey, seeing as I've never been there and therefore cannot make an educated assessment of your fine state. I'm sure it's a groovy place with cold beer and many hawt chicks. Hell....what else does a guy need?

    I also enjoy The Sopranos. Are you and your friends of Italian extraction?

    Except for the constant fear of being killed, I bet I would make a good Italian if such a group existed.

    Good day, sir.

  4. While at Indy on Saturday my buddie Boobie came up with a Zoomie (tm) T-Shirt...a big bully behind us stood up and shouted "Whose ass do I have to kick to get a beer from you guys!?!" I fooled him, as I had started consuming mass quantities early in the day, and only had one left, which I opened and shot gunned before Grover could leap down 5 rows of seats. Take that Grover!

    I like Baguettes, he is from Belguim, and they make great beer, and the bought Andhowser Busch from St. Louis. If I had more discriminating tastes, buying beer from Belguim could empty my bank account. I however drink copious amounts of Miller Lite, which is owned by a S. African Brewery. S. Africa also gave us Charlize Theron, who could also empty my bank account if she had a chance. CALL ME Charlize!

  5. Tadly:

    Grover is a big pussy. Now that I'm all swoll and cut, he's my bestest friend now. Hell, I drank most of his New Castle Brown Ale mini-keg earlier this month while sitting with him on the Third Turn viewing mounds.

    No need to be afraid of him. Like most douche-bag bullies, he backs down when you get in his face and threaten to throat punch him.

    See you at Camp 'n' Brew. Maybe.

  6. Mr. Zoomie, I happen to be an anonymous chick from NJ, though I do not look or act like any of the floozies from "Jersey Shore." They are allegedly of Italian descent.I am of Irish ancestry, therefore am well-versed in quaffing all brands of beer. Vodka too. And rum.

  7. Dear Anonymous Chick from NJ:

    I am sorry for assuming you were a dude, and I find it extremely hawt how you are shamelessly coming on to me.

    I am flattered.

    However, I am a faithful married man of 20 years.

    Anyhoo...I have some Irish ancestry as well....along with English and German. I fight World Wars with myself all the time.

    I am happy to hear that you are not similar to the trollops on the TV show. They are horrendous, and I would not drink cold beers in the Third Turn with them.

    I bet you listen to The Drop Kick Murhys, get hammered, and brawl a most East Coasters of Irish descent.

    Nothing wrong with that, BTW.

    Good day, fine lady.

  8. Mr. Zoomie, wrong on all counts. I am also a faithfully committed chick. To what institution is the question. Congratulations on your 20 faithful years!

    My better half is in Indy right now with his buddies having cold beers. I wasn't invited to the sausage festival. In fact, I got a cell phone pic from him with the caption "The Abe Vigoda." One day I'll get there.

    I'm not really a brawler, just a white-collar type with a racer in the family. Only half Irish, so don't really get hammered too much these days, as I heard you cannot do that and drive anymore. Pity. Not like the old days when everyone drank and drove around, even the race car drivers.

    Anyway, proceed with your humorousness.

  9. Hey Zoomie, sf-indy-fan here. Gotta disagree with you about Helio. Despite his dancing and general everywhere-ness, he has adequately demonstrated that he is definitely one of the REALEST and FASTEST open wheel drivers of all time, totally deserving to sit at the special VIP table with the really comfy chairs right along with AJ, Al Sr., & Rick.


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