Part 3- My Humongous Astronomical 2010 Indy 500 Blog Mess: Randy Bernard

(IndyCar.com)

There’s a new sheriff in town with the IndyCar Series, and his name is Randy Bernard, so y’all better be cool.

Welcome, Randy! We are glad to see you! Good luck with your new gig!

Randy replaced Tony George as CEO of IndyCar because Tony got outsourced by his conniving mom and sisters who were mad because Tony spent all their beer money on race cars and stuff.

Kinda.

More on that clammy tale later, maybe, but for now I’d like to discuss Randy with you.

Randy comes to us from a rodeo, which he made very popular because he knows what people want and for what folks are willing to pay exorbitant prices to see.

Randy brought bull riding and other American western-type sports activities from the dusty outdoor rings to the glitzy main-stream world of domed stadiums, and he really didn’t know anything about cows and stuff before he took THAT job, so…it is hoped he can do the same sorta thing for real and shiny Indy racing too.

I don’t know anything about bull-riding or horses or leather chaps either, and have never really wanted to learn about them or watch a rodeo on TV or anything, but I do know that bull-riders and IndyCar drivers are similar in that they both have gargantuan titanium balls and are brave for doing what they do.

Anyhoo…Randy has a lot to learn about open-wheeled and quick Indy racing, and he is talking to ass-loads of people to find out what Indy means so he can fix it and make it more better and keep from making wrong mistakes which were made in the past.

He hasn’t asked me anything yet, so I’m questioning his sincerity a little bit.

Here’s few things I would tell him, in no particular order of importance, when he asks me:

1 – Tony George has his faults, as we all do, but the one thing I am most thankful to him for is how the Indianapolis Motor Speedway has remained the fan friendly place it has historically always been. It is my sincere and fervent hope that the new management understands how important that tradition is to us fans. If IMS were ever to be run like Kentucky Speedway, I doubt I would ever set foot in the place again.

Kentucky is a nice track, but I want to be treated like the big boy that I am while I am there. My Constitutional and God-given rights to take my own beer and chow into the stands do not cease to exist just because I have crossed over on to your Kentucky racing track property.

All IndyCar tracks should be as fan-friendly as Indy, or they should be bulldozed and the remaining soil salted.

2 – Get Milwaukee, Michigan, Fontana, Pocono, and Phoenix back on the schedule, or you suck nutrients from petrified bovine droppings. For eternity…

3 – Build a new track, at anybody else’s expense but mine…and close to my house, which exactly duplicates the old Nazareth track. Do it.

4 – Make sure the new cars aren’t sucky looking and sound cool, and that real Indy racin’ insider team owners can kinda afford them.

5 – If you gotta cut the Month of May down…(I don’t like it, but I’ll deal with it)…give us a break on the bronze badge price. It doesn’t have to be 50%, but a slight discount would be a totally bitchin’ gesture. You gotta understand how much important trackside tomfoolery time you are eliminating.

6 – Open up the rulebook. Set some general parameters, and then cut the teams loose. Kinda like the sky’s the limit when it comes to engine and chassis innovation.

Those are a few things I came up with real quick without even thinking much. I do that a lot.

But here’s another thing I bet would draw many people. I know it got my attention when I saw it the first 88 times I watched it, and it’s something that Randy can relate to.

Probably.

It has everything an IndyCar race should have.

-An attractive and fast chassis with appealing lines.

-A motor that will run for hours and not get tired.

-A wild ride with an exciting and climactic ending.

I won't even mention the fact that it makes and consumes sammiches in a delightful manner, and will even bring you one if you want.

It may not be very affordable, but some things are worth it.

Pretty much.