Sunday, May 1, 2011

Part 2- My 2011 Indy 500 Blog Mess: Centennial Era Indy 500 Jamboree and Hootenanny

This year is the third year of the Centennial Era Indy 500 Jamboree and Hootenanny.

It’s party time in Indy, and if you know me, you know I like a good party with guns and booze and drugs and chicks and fire trucks and all the other things that make life worth living.

Yes. 100 years, give or take, of pants-wetting open wheeled excitement at the palace of speed.

I say, “Give or take,” because maths is hard for me.

Actually there were a few years from 1911 until now when the track was closed for wars because it was deemed improper and imprudent to gobble up petroleum products and other vital natural resources at alarming rates for the amusement of the general public.

During World War One, we were a little late to the party and we stepped in to smack the dog shit out of the Germans.  So…for 1917 and 1918, we did that instead of having races.

A few years later, the Germans and the Japanese got all uppity.   

We allowed them to have their fun for a couple of years, but then we put our foot down.   

From 1942 until 1945, the Indianapolis Motor Speedway was silent while we went ruckus on the Germans and the Japanese.

Things are cool as fuck now, and we no longer have any problems with the Germans and the Japanese.  In fact, we are all the bestest of buddies and we share beer, girlfriends, and nuclear technology.

Can you imagine what would happen today if it were decided that we would not hold an Indianapolis 500 Mile Sweepstakes because we were having a war or three?

Or that because of a war or three, I-Pads and gasoline were not available, or that Dancing With The Stars would not be televised because it was deemed detrimental to morale?

There would be civil unrest and rioting in the streets.

It’s a good thing gasoline is cheap and plentiful.

Anyhoo…by my estimation, we are roughly six Indy 500s shy of one hundred.

Whatever.  I flunked just about every math subject known to man except for geometry, so who am I to complain about the “centennial” thing?

I understand there are going to be many different things going on in celebration of the “Centennial Era Indy 500 Jamboree and Hootenanny.”

Apparently, there will be a life-sized Hot Wheels track installed in the fourth turn infield.  

It will be several stories high and will include a big orange plastic loop-de-loop thingy which will most likely propel a full sized NeckCar pick ‘em up truck into the crowd causing grievous death and dismemberment.

Damn.  What a buzz-kill THAT will be…

I just hope this cheese-dick monstrosity publicity stunt doesn’t ruin my site lines from J-Stand on race day.  I will be extremely irate if it does.

Also, I heard Donald Trump is going to drive the pace car.

This too is a grave injustice and will not stand.

I’ve said it before.  The pace car should be driven by somebody cool like an ace fighter pilot or a former Indy 500 winner or somebody who is savvy.

The Donald may be savvy in getting shit done like building a skyscraper.  Hell…he would have had the World Trade Center rebuilt twice as tall 5 years ago…but he is not savvy or cool enough to drive the pace car at Indy.

Photo courtesy

Trump is bound to go all Eldon Palmer and fuck this up just like all wealthy douche bags fuck shit up when they get in over their heads.

Photo courtesy

I am right about this, and there can be no further discussion.

There might be other tourist attractions during the two weeks of May Centennial Era Indy 500 Jamboree and Hootenanny celebration, but quite frankly, I can’t be arsed to look them up because it would be ponderous.

I suggest Google for further information if you are so inclined. 

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