Sunday, May 1, 2011

Part 1- My 2011 Indy 500 Blog Mess: Mailing It In?

Well…It’s May 1th again here in Indy, and it’s raining.  That means it SHOULD be time for them to open the gates of MY racetrack in order to entertain me.

Instead, the fast and shiny Indy racing machines are down in Brazil running on the twisty bits.

This is a grave injustice and will NOT stand!

But, what the hell can I do about it?

Nothing.  That’s what.

So…I guess I’ll start my 2011 Indy 500 Blog mess by stating that this year I’ll probably have to kinda mail it in.

Or something.


See…in the last year or so since we last met up, lots of sorta unsavory things have happened in my life that maybe you should know a little something about.

I will enumerate those things for you now.

1-   I shot a neighbor’s dog in self-defense.  It is a clammy tale.  You can read about it here if you want. 

2-   A grown-ass man attempted to do something heinous with one of my children.  If you should know one thing about me, you should know that I am fiercely protective of my family.  I will not delve further into this topic.  Suffice to say that I was homicidal.

3-   Due to political events and concerns that my country is being led purposely into the shitter by Communist progressive hippie ass-bags, I’ve become a rabid radical Libertarian Constitutionalist gun-owner.  I’ve been investing my disposable income in lead and lead accelerators in preparation for the upcoming apocalypse.

Thanks asshole

4-   I've had a new job since last September.  Therefore, I have no vacation accrued to burn.  Trust me. The job change weighed heavily on my mind because of this. Do I give up 4-5 weeks of paid vacation for the new gig and lose my ability to spend unreasonable amounts time at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway drinking alarming quantities of beer during the month of May? Yes. Yes I do. That's how much it sucked working for Teamster Penske. Ask Paul Tracy. He knows.

Anyhoo…many of my fans…both of them…have expressed displeasure and sadness that I will not be able to be trackside much this year.

Thanks all for your concerns, but I'm just a local douche with a camera and intardnets access. No great loss if I do an abridged version of my foolishness.

Don't worry about it. You'll be fine.

I'll probably get track-side once a week only. Sundays.


I'm not even getting a bronze badge this year. Why bother if I'm only at the track about 2 or three times before race day?

The desire to do the blog thang is still there.

I'll think of something.

Even if it's wrong. 

Especially if it's maybe getting a couple of my racin’ buddies, who don’t work much, and use them as if they were my unpaid mercenaries.  They could take cool, jaw-dropping photos and gather groovy insider stories and feed them to me so that I can embellish them and think up stupid crap to say.

Yes.  Zoomie’s Proxies.

There may or may not be some other special things in the works, but as a real kinda cool racin’ insider who knows how to keep his mouth shut, I can’t talk about it right now.

Stay tuned…

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Cursing and foul language is fine...even encouraged here. In fact, I think cussing is fucking wonderful.

Just remember...this is MY house, and I will not be insulted or maliciously messed with here.

Good-natured ribbing is cool, but if you and I don't have some kind of previous relationship, you had best mind your fucking manners or I will relegate you to the intardnets dustbin for being a cunt.

To know me is to love me.

Or something.